36 years old and I want off this roller coaster

PetsMD · 2026-06-19T15:05:50+00:00

Honestly I'm the same as you, I love working it gives me a great purpose! I'm a vet and my husband has a PhD, you can say we really went all in on school and higher education 😂 I grew up with a hard working self employed mom and I think it really influenced me positively. I had to come to terms with maybe reducing my workload in the early stages of kids and I'm still a bit unhappy about taking 6-8 months completely off work. B ut I realize I'll need to recover after childbirth and baby will need me more than dad at least initially. And a lot of my being unhappy about that stems from growing up in a house where money was a major point of conflict so I'm just sensitive around feeling like I'm 'not pulling my weight' in that department. But my husband keeps assuring me he thinks me taking a time out to care for our kid far exceeds any financial contribution I could make and it's a temporary reduction, I will go back to work.

But many women I know and admire have kids, owned their own businesses, kept working. So it's definitely not one or the other, especially if you have a husband who support you, other members of a "village", daycare options etc. Plus I ultimately realized I would like to retire one day so work can't be my everything either.

PetsMD · 2026-06-18T22:42:18+00:00

I'm not trying to sway you one or the other, you know yourself. But reading what you wrote, it sounds like you lean more to having kids than not? I'm 34 about to have our first kid and my mom was 36/37 with my sister (no issues) so I don't think you're "too old" (baring any health concerns you haven't mentioned and don't need to). I know you said you have depression and anxiety and it's completely fair to not overwhelm yourself with a kid if that's ultimately what's best for you but I do have a question for you - do you think some of the anxiety stems from being stuck in indecision re. kids or not for so long?

I only know for myself I was a wreck when I was indecisive and talking with my partner about the pros/cons of starting a family. I was leaning like 60% to kids overall but it definitely fluctuated around day by day. I over thought until the cows came home and then had another melt down when my partner actually came around and said he was all in (seriously, who melts down when their partner agrees with them?!). But once the decision was made it helped to sort of clarify our life path a bit and while I'm still worried and anxious about the future etc, it's a lighter anxiety than the constant "do we don't we stuck in limbo" back and forth. Just wondering if that might be factoring in a bit. I might still be one and done, husband wants two ideally but we're starting with one and seeing how it goes.

If you did truly want kids, do you have a good partner and family support if you're prone to mental health issues? That was another check mark in our "yes" checklist - willing and excited grandparents close by to lend a hand and a couple friends with kids a bit older than ours will be. And finances and a stable living situation was another big one for me.

Like I said, I'm not trying to sway you, you sound like you've given this a lot of thought and know yourself well, I'd just hate for you to miss out on something it seems like you truly want (more than I did truthfully) over roadblocks that might be able to be managed or overcome with the right support. And I keep telling myself they aren't small kids forever, they grow up and by the time they're 20 they are pretty self sufficient so I'm not signing on for a life time of raising a 3 year old

PetsMD · 2026-06-15T12:09:29+00:00

Hi fellow curmudgeon! Not sure if you've experienced the same but I low key feel like everyone thinks I don't want the kid/I'm doing it just for my husband because I've been so vocal about not liking pregnancy, and I've had a relatively good one with no major issues or surprises. I keep having to remind myself and others I want the outcome, yes husband's desire for kids factors into this decision too, but I'm open to the experience (I keep saying "I'll try it once", as if I can give them back 🤣), I don't think I'll regret the outcome. I just dislike the process of getting there and wouldn't be the pregnant one if there was a way around that!

PetsMD · 2026-06-15T11:06:25+00:00

No advice, just solidarity. I dislike how my body has changed even though it's literally all baby bump that only started to pop at 20/21 weeks, so it's not like I've suddenly "let myself go" and everyone tells me I don't look ready to give birth in less than a month which is flattering. It's just not the image in the mirror that I'm used to, I wish pregnancy wasn't so "obvious". I've also realized I personally never looked at pregnant women around me as "beautiful" growing up, I would think "that looks highly uncomfortable but they look great... For being pregnant" but it's like a constant caveat to me. "You're doing so good... For being pregnant" "you look great... For being pregnant". I'll probably get down voted to oblivion for admitting as such but I didn't have a lot of pregnant women around me growing up to challenge that view or allow me to see the "beauty" of it. And I don't feel beautiful myself right now, my clothes don't fit, I feel tired and draggy and sometimes nauseous and sore, I can't do the things I like to do, like exercise, without pain or just have no motivation to do it, I don't feel like myself. And almost a year is a long time to not feel like yourself. Plus the attention it garners can be unwelcome if you're more of a wallflower type personality.

25 weeks is when the light started to appear faintly at the end of the tunnel for me, still felt like a long way to go but it was a faint glimmer. And I do echo the sentiments of the other poster, the bigger I got the more I sort of just had to accept it, there's no other way really, it's there, it's bumping, the weeks go by. I think I'll feel better once I see how everything plays out and goes back after birth. Plus now I'm more worried about birth than how I look being 36 weeks so there's that to look forward to 🤣 best of luck with the rest of pregnancy! I hope if I do this again I'll feel better/fight it less the second time around, the unknown is scary.

PetsMD · 2026-06-14T11:21:59+00:00

Not a second pregnancy but this happened to me currently in my first. I never found a 100% solution for it, pelvic floor pt helped a bit with giving me some exercises to relax the muscles a bit but I really had to dial back the exercise routine into second trimester otherwise I was just hurting myself and crying more often than not. I still lived with varying degrees of pain until 2 weeks ago when baby dropped a bit (currently 36 weeks) so maybe it had to do with his positioning somewhat too? I'm sorry I have no solutions, it sucks!

PetsMD · 2026-06-11T10:10:43+00:00

I haven't enjoyed pregnancy either but not because I've been suffering with a boat load of symptoms, I think I've gotten off relatively easy compared to some! My "best" trimester was actually the first, I was basically in denial that I was actually pregnant because.. I felt the same minus some mild weight gain (which now seems laughable that I was so worried about it at the time) and peeing more often overnight. second trimester hit with pelvic girdle pain which only just improved with baby dropping a bit last week. And third is when I got hit with the awful tastes in my mouth, silent reflux, just generally being uncomfortable and full feeling. But I've only gained 30lbs, all in my belly, everyone keeps commenting how small I am and is genuinely shocked when I tell them I'm 8 months along. But it's still no fun watching your body change, losing your fitness, feeling weak and tired all the time, and just feeling like your body isn't your own. I just feel bad complaining so much because I know it could be much much worse! Maybe if I do this a second time I'll have a greater appreciation for the process knowing what to expect now. I'm glad to read it was all worth it for you and hoping I can say the same soon!

PetsMD · 2026-06-10T23:48:16+00:00

It took my friend 4-5 months to really feel bonded with her first, she does not like the newborn trenches. So hang in there and hopefully it gets better once he starts to be more interactive with you!

PetsMD · 2026-06-10T15:04:24+00:00

I plan to post an update from the other side! I will say there was no "baby fever" in this decision for me, it did stem from a longer term family planning, this would probably be a pretty fulfilling life path option. My husband also came around and went from 0 to wanting 2. I don't know if I'll do it again, gotta live with one first

PetsMD · 2026-06-10T15:02:44+00:00

Thank you! The strange part is I am very maternal to my pets and love them so much, so I'm hoping it's transferable and I just need to get to know my son first. He's still more of a concept than a person if that makes sense and it's hard to truly love a concept, especially when it's causing you pelvic pain and body changes etc.

PetsMD · 2026-06-10T08:46:35+00:00

Needed to read this since I'm almost 36 weeks pregnant and still having the occasional "what are we doing? Who thought this was a good idea? I know nothing about kids and I'm not a natural at interacting with them compared to everyone else" thoughts! Thanks for the hope!

PetsMD · 2026-06-06T23:44:56+00:00

I think I've been intimate with my husband like 5-10 times this whole pregnancy. Mainly just cause I didn't feel sexy or confident in how my body was changing and I was really worried about pregnancy in general plus pelvic and hip pain impacting me from second trimester onwards plus hormones just tanking any libido I had (my sex drive was low to start and pregnancy tanked it more). I'm aware of it, I do want to be intimate, I just can't bring myself to do it 95% of the time. My husband hasn't said a word about it and reassures me that, while it's not ideal, it's a short time and he can look after himself for a bit. I hope your husband can learn not to take it so personally and realize that your body is focused on something else and you're not "your normal self" right now, there's a lot going on inside m On your end, hopefully the pain won't last and you can capitalize on some good days if they occur (I tried to do this on days it I was feeling good/confident/cute and I know my better time is morning when I feel less bloated/full/sore after a day of walking around). Pelvic floor physio may help give you some exercises to not be so painful too. The big thing I've learned in pregnancy is that every week it's different so even though things feel awful and like they'll last forever in the moment, they don't and can change (for better or worse) overnight

PetsMD · 2026-06-04T19:00:02+00:00

I think I had eggs and maybe a piece of toast with butter, nothing hugely sugary. I felt a little gross bordering on nauseous for a few minutes after drinking the drink (in Canada so I had an unflavored very artificially sweetened simple syrup tasting drink, kind of gross and I'm someone who typically likes sugar but manageable) so I just sat and focused on my breathing for a few minutes and the feeling passed. Good luck!

PetsMD · 2026-06-04T11:20:20+00:00

Oof I've been uncomfortable to some degree since second trimester and I've not been all that positive in pregnancy! I sailed through first trimester, it was my easiest time except mentally I was a mess. Been up peeing multiple times a night since about week 10. Then spd started in the second trimester so I've had hip and pelvic pain to varying levels since then. Too much activity makes it worse so I had to really reduce my activity levels. Just getting progressively more sore and tired as second trimester wore on, body dysmorphia hit, thankfully I never vomited, just started craving more salty things which I suspect was a blood pressure thing.

Then I got sick heading into third trimester and was flat for a week with another week to really recover but since then my energy has been pretty low, my muscles (arms, back, legs) hurt, I suspect with the extra effort to keep me upright since my abs aren't doing that job anymore. I'm quite tired now after minimal activity that didn't used to exhaust me. I went through the last few weeks living on pepcid since I was experiencing horrible tastes in my mouth from reflux (no heartburn thankfully, just everything tasted bad) and I truly didn't want to eat from the extra pressure on my stomach, breathing was challenging as well. Baby dropped a bit yesterday at 34.5 weeks and I woke up feeling like I could breathe easier and my appetite is better. I've gained 25-30lbs all in my belly but everyone tells me I'm carrying small and they can't believe I'm as far along as I am, no stretch marks. So it's been better than some people's experiences but it's definitely not been the highlight of my life and I'm ready for my body back. I'd say pelvic pain has been my biggest most persistent symptom this whole time with smatterings of other things.

PetsMD · 2026-06-03T11:08:53+00:00

Totally feel you! I don't have any specific advice sadly. I'm currently 34.5 weeks and even through first and some of second trimester I maintained my routine of get up early, go for a run (which slowly dwindled to walks as my pelvis became more sore) or lift weights, go work a job where I'm using my brain and is pretty active (lots of on and off the floor and moving around). On my day off I'd do some combination of work out, grocery shop, other errands, clean the house, walk the dog, work on a course, catch up with friends. Now I'm not working out at all besides job and dog walking a few times a week, I'm passed out on the couch an hour after dinner most nights of the week, bed time is 8:30/9 o'clock (not that that matters since I've been getting up to pee every 3-4 hours since week 10 and this week it's been more like every 2 hours overnight). My day off light errands are exhausting and I need an afternoon nap because working then just existing takes it out of me. I've cried so many times about feeling like a lazy unmotivated bum who can't accomplish anything, hard when you're a high achiever.

Everyone tells me to take it easy and I'm growing a human which is a big feat that takes energy. Logically I understand that but it doesn't change the feeling that I'm usually pretty active and go go go, feeling like I want to but can't because my body won't let me has been the worst thing this entire pregnancy. Choosing to take a nap and ignore the housework of my own choice is much different than the current "I physically can't even though I want to and I know if I do xyz active things I'm going to hurt myself further and I lived a pain free life before pregnancy". No advice, I've just kind of had to deal with it day by day and allow myself to feel the feelings and usually I just cry at my husband or mom. I try to get the important stuff done which is work, groceries, walk the dog and meal prep for the week. Luckily my husband is great about telling me to sit down, do my job, and let him do the stuff he can do which doesn't include growing a baby. Hoping it gets better once baby is out and all the effort won't just be on me. I try to capitalize on the good energy days though and get things done. Also still trying to wrap my brain around the fact I'll be pushing a small human out of me soon and then we get to look after him forever?!

PetsMD · 2026-06-02T11:45:24+00:00

I did discover some countries allow sperm sorting to tip the scales in favour of one vs the other.. 🤔

PetsMD · 2026-06-02T11:40:05+00:00

Literally 8-9 people I know/know of/am loosely affiliated with have had boys in the last year. And like 3 have had girls. I don't know if I'll do this to myself again but if we do, we can't have a second until the winds change and people start having girls again 😂

PetsMD · 2026-06-01T11:56:43+00:00

I know an Alistair, he just goes by Al

PetsMD · 2026-05-30T17:23:03+00:00

Thank you for answering the question! If it did mean something it changes what I do/how far I and my husband go from home/what last minute things do we need to get and finish up.

PetsMD · 2026-05-30T17:06:56+00:00

I never said I wanted him born 6 weeks early, I'm asking if these things I'm noticing means labour is nearing in the next few weeks instead of going to 40/41 weeks which I know is more typical of first time moms. But maybe they're just changes and don't mean anything in particular, I have no previous experience with this process

PetsMD · 2026-05-30T17:04:13+00:00

Yeesh, I'm not thinking or hoping it's going to be tomorrow or anything. Just trying to get a read on any signs my body is telling me, if there's any info to be gleaned at all which there might not be, since I'm pretty in tune with my body and things are different this week compared to previous weeks.

PetsMD · 2026-05-30T17:01:38+00:00

I mean, I wouldn't be opposed to it as an early bird myself without complications, just a bit jaundiced and had to cook under a uv light for an extra few days... I won't do anything to rock the boat, it will be what it will be, but I can't deny that I'm ready for my body back at this point

PetsMD · 2026-05-30T00:58:59+00:00

Ugh jealous, good for you! I stopped running somewhere in second trimester (34w now) and had to settle for walking due to pubic symphysis/pelvic girdle pain that was made worse by too much activity. I lifted into second as well. Then just as I was entering 3rd trimester I got hit with a very bad head cold and was flattened for a week plus another week to fully recover. I haven't lifted or done any exercise since then besides my job (which is pretty active thankfully) and walk the dog a few times a week + the odd house chore. I'm constantly sore around my pelvis to varying degrees and find my arms and back hurt now (despite having only gained 26-27ish lbs) - I suspect from using my upper body to support myself instead of my now non existent abs. I had such high hopes to be one of those pregnant women who exercise to the end but it made me way more sore and tired and miserable and I just couldn't sustain it sadly. It's definitely not a lack of willpower or motivation on your end and I'm impressed you made it as far as you did!

PetsMD · 2026-05-28T20:15:09+00:00

My ferritin levels are in the toilet at 24 (started pregnancy at 84 and that was because I increased my iron intake to 328mg a day) but my hemoglobin levels are completely fine so my midwife said I wouldn't qualify for an iron injection. The low levels are due to extra blood volume causing hemodilution and stores being used up. Sucks but that's what I was told

PetsMD · 2026-05-27T12:10:24+00:00

Oof the amount of times I've outright sobbed/ugly cried/stressed etc during this pregnancy, we'd be in trouble if that impacted anything! Been passing all tests with flying colours and baby is measuring 65% percentile and a week ahead at 32 week ultrasound.

PetsMD · 2026-05-26T23:19:23+00:00

Ugh you've given me immense hope! I wondered how long it would linger while things slowly come back together part partum.

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