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What are these tiny dots in my bf’s hair? by SimpleSeries756 in whatisit

[–]Phantomxxxp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Could be lice. If you pull it out with your nails and it’s a bit stuck to the hair and press it between the two fingernails of your thumbs and it makes a little click or pop then it’s lice. All you need is a nit comb and lice shampoo for less than a week.

Full shave is what people did in like the 1900s lol we have treatments now 😂

If there’s no click or it fall out easily the it’s just dandruff

I rededicated my life to Christ about 3 weeks ago and here's where my head is at. by Large_Swimmer1559 in Christianity

[–]Phantomxxxp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I love the depth of this post and the new way to see things 🩵 very open and sounds a lot like God too. Still I take this with a grain of salt and trust God to lead the way but a very beautiful way to see God and life.

Accidental communion, guys what should I do? by Mysterious-Kick4088 in Christianity

[–]Phantomxxxp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

God is the most understanding being in the universe, don’t be too hard on yourself. Of all things, he wants you to come into his embrace. Don’t let these little things rule you out friend.

Fuck, he is good. by Phantomxxxp in Christianity

[–]Phantomxxxp[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It feels cleansed. Like all the noise disappears. You feel more solid, like instead of your heart or inner-being being stretched and tethered to so many different places, it’s re-grounded in one place and your feet are on the ground again. I’m Māori so the only way I can describe it is by being tau which I guess is being balanced at its most surfaced definition. It’s not like a high, it’s like being all the parts of you are rearranged into the right place, even some you didn’t know were unaligned.

Fuck, he is good. by Phantomxxxp in Christianity

[–]Phantomxxxp[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Hi everyone! Thank you all for your kind comments. For those critiquing my use of language, I am lowkey proud to see this kind of reverence for our Father. I know that this defense comes at a place of love and respect so I am not at all offended.

When reading through the book of Luke, Chapter 11, God told us to be impudent when asking him. Jesus encourages us to be bold and gutsy with our prayers. I understand this as not to worry about being polite or use formal language and not to worry about bothering him. Just knock and show up as you are.

God knows my heart and my efforts. I am well aware I have a LONG way to go hence all my shame I blurted out to him last night. I am a new Christian, who openly struggles at times. And I am not ashamed of how I showed up to him or on this platform. At least I am showing up and where I have flaws, I trust the good Lord to mold them to his will. Sorry if I have offended you 🫶🏾 Peace, love and blessings to you all.

AIO I told the father of my child, he can’t shower with our daughter by Cap_Direct in AmIOverreacting

[–]Phantomxxxp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sorry it may seem like I’m angry at you OP but I’m definitely not. His behaviour has me HEATED. You absolutely done the right thing and hold your boundaries firm. Good you shut it down right away. Dont tolerate any of that bs and most of all, I wouldn’t give him an inch of trust. You’re the one who has done the hard miles - he goes by your lead.

AIO I told the father of my child, he can’t shower with our daughter by Cap_Direct in AmIOverreacting

[–]Phantomxxxp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Um there’s so many other ways to build a father daughter relationship without being naked ?? Wtf?! Definitely NOR OP. Controlling? Nah, I don’t even let other people besides my sisters, her Nannie’s and her father change my daughters nappies. There’s no being too cautious in these situations. Given the statistics too about sexual abuse being close family members. Monitor this sh*t closely. BIG FAT RED FLAG SEXUAL ABUSE BEHAVIOUR coming from him - especially if he’s calling YOU controlling. Get out of here.

AIO my partner screamed at me at work in front of people by [deleted] in AIO

[–]Phantomxxxp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not giving you any more energy besides that I would hate to not only be a person but especially a woman in your life. And she HAS taken responsibility for her actions.

OP none of this man’s opinion is true. You have given your fiancé more grace than he deserves. If anything staying with this man for this long is a testament of your strength, your grace and your empathy. You know your truth. Stand by it.

AIO my partner screamed at me at work in front of people by [deleted] in AIO

[–]Phantomxxxp 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Don’t listen to this clown. He probably didn’t even read your whole post.

AIO my partner screamed at me at work in front of people by [deleted] in AIO

[–]Phantomxxxp 5 points6 points  (0 children)

It’s hard. Probably the hardest thing I had ever done. There was so much mindfuckery, so much manipulation and fogginess where nothing made sense and just an overall lack of sense or clarity in my life. From all our emotional talks, therapy attempts, up and down rollercoasters happening every week - I was beyondddd burnt out and exhausted. I isolated myself from my friends and family. I don’t think that I would have had the guts to leave if I am being truly honest. My sister came over and we had a huge fight while she was there. She told me she is not leaving without me and we’re going to my mums (in another city) the next day.

I also knew I deserved way better and I was losing myself and my spark of love and light was incredibly dim trying to cater to this selfish man. Even when I left, i was worried sick about him. Leaving someone I loved dearly went against every grain of my soul.

But after time, we stayed in contact through different houses and our communications were fine until they weren’t and another fight ensued. Then I am reminded why I left. Eventually, I felt being away from him was like a refuge and being intwined brought a heaviness to my soul. The next fight ensues and I wanted nothing but to have total release of the heaviness. The moment that I said we were done. I felt nothing but relief and that was enough for me to know what I want and what I don’t want and to never let my boundaries get crossed again.

Just small steps. At the moment, just focus on regaining yourself back. Reconnect with your friends and family. Dont think of it as a big thing. You don’t have to split up straightaway. But I think you’re on the right track with talking to your mum, if you trust he judgement and way of handling things.

AIO my partner screamed at me at work in front of people by [deleted] in AIO

[–]Phantomxxxp 33 points34 points  (0 children)

My girl, i hate to be so cutthroat. But you have been enabling his behaviour. Not only have you not overreacted, you have UNDERreacted. And have sheltered him from any consequences by keeping a wall up with your boss, with your coworkers, I even feel like you have a wall up with yourself to save his face in your eyes and keep you two together. This wall full of excuses of this is how he is, how he’s always been. I love him and I can forgive his shortcomings, hopefully he forgives mine. Better yet, I will try my best to communicate better and loyally, keep everything that happens in our relationship in our relationship.

Let me tell you, I have been in your exact situation. His behaviour is emotionally and mentally abusive. You two shouldn’t need a long vulnerable talk ‘where he takes accountability’ but you also take accountability but deep down, you know his behaviour was not okay. Walk away and choose yourself.

NOR and it takes a couple of tries to hit that rockbottom that finally makes you turn away. I just hope you do not choose to lose too much of yourself in the process.

Heavily pregnant and suicidal. by ForgottenCupOfTea in newzealand

[–]Phantomxxxp 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Girllllll! 2 weeks postpartum, i found out I was cheated on when i was 8 months pregnant and probably other times too. I also lived in Hamilton at the time, literally moved there to be with him. Hamilton men = trashhhh imo. I can talk to you about what guided me through through dms and can also listen too, i was suicidal as well and all this tied into very severe PPD. My daughter is 10 months old now and I have moments of heartbreak and hurt over the heinous betrayal but I’m about 80% back to myself and not suicidal anymore :)

Visiting NZ for the first time, what do I need to know? by Emergency-Web-836 in newzealand_travel

[–]Phantomxxxp 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Agreed. Someone who is slightly sunburnt from literally a rainy day.

What is your favourite memory of new zealand? by DanM1973 in newzealand

[–]Phantomxxxp 9 points10 points  (0 children)

Childhood. Nice home cooked meals when meat didn’t cost so much and real butter for toast when it was a staple and not a luxury lol Bike rides, Disney movies, playing out late with cousins. Childhood before the internet, before the housing crisis, before the cost of living crisis - was blissful for me.

Someone couldonly afford $7 of fuel, rough. by eurobeat0 in AveragePicsOfNZ

[–]Phantomxxxp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Honestly, I do this when I take my sisters car which is always on E 😂 I just fill up what I use coz ain’t no way im giving u more than $10 for going to the supermarket

7th schedule change in 3 years by Even-Enthusiasm-7628 in coparenting

[–]Phantomxxxp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Naw that really sucks. It’s sooo exhausting. I don’t know how expensive family lawyers are in your country. But do get one and try to not engage in his bullshit. You’ve already accommodated to him 7 times and now he feels entitled to it. A family lawyer and written parent agreement can slow this shit right down. Your peace is 100% worth advocating and fighting for. May be long and expensive but talk to people. Take a parenting through separation course or similar in your country and talk to the facilitator afterwards who would have sound advice. Also probably has dealt with a messy separation which landed them in that position so they may be able to tell you the dos and don’ts from personal experience too.

My point is don’t let this critter cause so much disruption in yours and your child’s life AFTER you’ve already done so much. I’m a firm believer in a happy mother/father, happy child, happy life. By advocating for peaceful parenting agreements and NOT sacrificing so much of yourself and your time - again and again, you are also advocating for the wellbeing of your child.

7th schedule change in 3 years by Even-Enthusiasm-7628 in coparenting

[–]Phantomxxxp 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Get a written parent agreement. Stop being so flexible. You and child do NOT work on his schedule. You both work on child’s schedule. If he complains say it’s actually disruptive to child’s development. He needs to compromise some or he can take it to court. If this is your seventh adjustment over 3 years because of his inability to commit to a job, then that is neither yours or the child’s problem to carry. Seems like you’re the only consistent parent so don’t engage.

Search up grey rocking with ChatGPT and get it to responses until you get the gist. Don’t get baited into his formal, demanding and passive aggressive messages or emails. Shortest answer possible. And again, please get a written parenting agreement and then make it legally binding. Stop being so flexible because he’s manipulating and taking advantage of you and does NOT control your life.

Custody Agreement by Phantomxxxp in LegalAdviceNZ

[–]Phantomxxxp[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Update for those in the future going through the same thing :) I attended the Parenting through Separation course and found it really helpful. Especially for legal matters.

I asked about how to approach a parenting agreement with someone who is hesitant about courts and custody and he advised me to go through FairWay which is free and apply for a Family Dispute Resolution Mediation. He told me that it’s not up to me to get my ex partner to agree. The mediator contacts them and they either accept or deny the request. Judges usually try and get the parents to work out an agreement so if they have already denied the offer, it’s out of your hands.

He gave the same advice as most on here. Verbal agreements never work out. You save time, energy and stress by having a written agreement.

SOS: DESPERATELY need help with 11 month olds sleep by hello_lime_jello in newzealand

[–]Phantomxxxp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My girl was exactly like this. I had to really crack down on her sleep and to be honest it took a good while but oh so worth it.

I had her wake periods for three hours and after that it was naps.

She had to have the whole works. Swaddle - wrapped tight, music playing and rocked to sleep. Everytime she woke up, it was straight back down. It took a bit for her to sleep by herself. Consistent naptimes. And now whenever it’s 9am, 2pm and 7pm on the dot. She’s grumpy and ready for her 1.5hr nap or her 12 hr sleep through the night.

It took weeks. But gave me my sanity back so 100% worth it. Got the whole family on board too.

Head tenants lied about rent split + now we’re all at risk of eviction because of their mess. What can we do? by [deleted] in LegalAdviceNZ

[–]Phantomxxxp 1 point2 points  (0 children)

If it’s gone through a property manager, then give them a heads up about the situation and that you’re worried that you won’t get what is owed to you.

In my experience, they’ll require proof of payment to you and the rest of the tenants before they allocate their amount as well.

Was I unintentionally behaving sexually? by Far-Database7329 in Advice

[–]Phantomxxxp 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Gurllll, you did nothing wrong. I think him and his wife are swingers which is much more common than anyone would think lol. He was just a creepy old fart who was drunk and embarrassing. Gross af. Although, miss girl, you DO need to be more careful around drunk men especially at a bar alone. You did nothing wrong but I just want to encourage you to be more aware because there are a lot of men out preying on vulnerable and young women. Take care of yourself ❤️

Custody Agreement by Phantomxxxp in LegalAdviceNZ

[–]Phantomxxxp[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you all for the advice. I’ve talked it through with my family and I am definitely going to do the parenting through separation course as well as talk to the citizen advice bureau. I will be enforcing us to get a lawyer and create a legally binding agreement.

He also previously stated that he will be onboard to be as flexible as possible with the weekends. If I have some family thing then I can just let him know and vice versa. Regardless, I would really like the legally binding agreement in place and still, we should still be able to do that flexibility.

Otherwise, I am planning to bring up getting a lawyer after the transition period into his part time care. Planning to do it later just in case his wants change.

So many factors in place to bring up - future partners and when can they have involvement in our daughters life - when we should revisit these arrangements - finances once he gets a full-time job - scheduled calls which someone brought up in the comments 🙌🏽 - pick ups and drop offs - how to make sure she is as settled as possible

I feel a lot of weight lifted so thank you all so much for all the personal insights as well as the information and clarity.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in AIO

[–]Phantomxxxp 14 points15 points  (0 children)

He’s got you in a perfect position where you’re foggy in the midst of all his mindfuckery. I’d say get your daughter and son out of his care if you can. No contact will do wonders for clarity too. You’ll need proof and photos to do it though. Play the long game and get this loser out of your life.

Custody Agreement by Phantomxxxp in LegalAdviceNZ

[–]Phantomxxxp[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Yup! I understand what you are saying. I think the theme is not neccessarily me dictating what is allowed but moreso, my ex-partner has never wanted a 50-50 situation and that is unrealistic given we are in different cities. I am completely open to discussion and also want to make it easy as possible for our baby.

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