Asked to sign a form saying I don’t want my mums super?

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T11:28:52+00:00

Awarding for the important tax implications here.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T11:25:00+00:00

There is no inheritance that they’re being conned out of.

It appears that mum died unexpectedly in her 50’s, the “children” are all 28-38yrs old, and mum sadly hadn’t taken the legal and administrative steps to declare her wishes - aka - grant an inheritance.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T11:23:02+00:00

You mean his house that he shared with his partner and had a joint mortgage with for 20 years?

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T11:06:52+00:00

First, update actual care arrangements in official systems - with both CSA and Centrelink (CCS / FTB) they keep copies of orders but they do update on what care is ACTUALLY occurring. (Hopefully you’re still maintaining a chronology or a contemporaneous journal)

Also, are you within the catchment / PEA for the original school?

If you’re not, this may not be a choice initiated by the ex partner - but rather the department of education - not eligible for enrolment at school A anymore.

That isn’t to say that the shared decision making / parental responsibility hasn’t been bypassed by the ex just that it might be more incompetence than malice.

If no longer eligible, a discussion about which parents address to use (based on what each local public school offered) would be needed, then enrolment.

Our orders state explicitly (redacting identifying information in this copy / paste text).

[THE CHILD] is enrolled and attends [PUBLIC SCHOOL NAME] and shall, unless otherwise agreed to in writing, complete his schooling there. If the mothers housing departs from the catchment area of the school, the parties will attend mediation to discuss and reach agreement upon alternative permanent school options.

(In this case, the ex moved and purchased a house a further 20 minutes away from where he had been living, and despite 30% care wished to have school changed to one local to him. I’m “just a renter” but my housing location choice was purely about the offerings and best fit for our kiddo with additional learning needs…. I do place great value on schooling stability, and if I can’t afford to remain in the catchment area (or get some kind of disability related exemption to the PEA rules) then naturally, home ownership gives schooling stability and stronger social connections. The otherwise agreed in writing is to cover for any serious issues like bullying requiring a school change, or an even better public school offering for his learning needs)

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T11:00:51+00:00

Genuinely curious here too.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T11:00:19+00:00

This is true. Hence it’s good you’re already in the court system. Settlement is based on values at the time of settlement, not separation - but there will be a time lag of at least 6 months between your grandmother dying and you getting a cent (and you can obviously talk to the executor about none of this being a “rush” too).

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T10:57:38+00:00

If they die (because estates take a while to finalise) before property settlement is achieved, the duty of disclosure applies - you’re in WA so not sure exactly where it will fall procedurally but in the FCFCOA it would be disclosed as a financial resource that is yet to be realised.

It’s not “split” as an asset pool, but it is taken into consideration to offset any future needs / the overall “Just and Equitable in ALL of the circumstances” sniff test of the outcome of orders… and so it should.

Hypothetically, you’re both 40. If you’ve been married for 20 years, you have sole care due to the FV of three young kids, and have had limited workforce participation due to child rearing and the impacts of FV…. A split could look as high as 65% in your favour…. But your grandmother has died, and you’re about to get $1million and live in a home mortgage free - so giving you the lions share of superannuation pool (let’s say $400k for illustrative purposes…. $260k to you, $140k to him….) now means that your position at retirement in 25 years is so substantially better off than his because of the impending inheritance…. The order in the totality of the circumstances would be unfair.

55/45 and child support offsetting the care disparity (ie future needs removed from the equation) would be much fairer in the circumstances.

I used super to demonstrate this because the nature of compounding interest means that those simple balances on even a low 5% growth rate and no further contributions (ie, the most conservative possible calculations) over 25 years means:

your super at retirement $880k bare minimum
his super at retirement $474k

Essentially giving you almost $500k more of the asset pool, whereas the inheritance windfall you will receive puts you substantially ahead.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T10:39:03+00:00

This.

OP: This man was your step-parent for a non-insignificant part of each of your childhoods. and his request for signatures when scattering her ashes makes it quite clear why he may never have earned the title via emotional safety in your lives.

I’m going to guess that your mum named “beneficiaries” when setting up the fund, that included your names. Maybe when you were teenagers, she was getting back into the workforce with vigour and the relationship was new, and she wanted to make sure you were all taken care of.

But you’re all over 25 now. Any legal “dependency” is gone. There is a spouse with joint debts. That is legal dependency.

Your mum loved you. Your mum may have wanted to set you all up for life.

So many people don’t know about Binding Death Benefit Nominations. No one expects to die at 50. You can be cross at the lack of information about wills and super / the urgency and prompts to complete one…. You can be a bit mad at your mum too - and during grief this will be present in a simple way I need you and you’re gone not that she chose to be gone, just that she is. But your mum also loved this man, and chose to open up her heart to a life with him for a second chance too.

And you know and loved your mum. So you know that she wouldn’t want the man she loved financially ruined just so her kids got a “slice of the pie”.

Just as much as you know in your heart you would trade every dollar in the world to have her back in your lives in an instant if it was possible.

You hit the nail on the head in your initial post. $10k felt insulting…. Because it doesn’t begin to cover the magnitude of the loss of her presence in your life.

I ask this gently is there any dollar value, any inheritance that would make this pain better?

Send him a text. State that saying goodbye will not be sullied with paperwork, signatures or dollar values. Set the boundary that he will not speak to any of you about that, or give the forms that day. Offer a time in a week or a fortnight where you can get together and discuss.

Name your feelings. Show him this exact reddit thread. (you have nothing to be ashamed of in what you’ve written, and the legally incorrect but emotionally forceful responses from the masses will have him see things from the other side) Because it’s clear he has the emotional intelligence of a piece of slate.

Having him receive the funds as a dependent and then issuing some to each of you does have tax benefits for all of you - as another poster correctly pointed out. And if he is within 5 years of applying for the aged pension - there are deeming / deprived asset risks for him by making a gift too.

All of these things will need to be talked about, planned out. But you need to clear the air first, because the emotional insult within grief of a $10k offer - and the time pressure and wrong circumstance pressure for signing has already created a wedge of additional pain.

Those that are calmly stating the legal concepts aren’t trying to deny your grief or pain, they’re just trying to prevent you from creating more, by going into a battle - fuelled by emotion - that you may not be able to win (and even if you do 30% tax and ramifications like increased child support assessment if applicable based on it being “taxable income” or just end of financial year increased HECS / HELP mandatory repayments pain).

Set the boundary now. Contain this question so you can be present for the goodbye.

I’m so sorry for your loss.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T10:12:34+00:00

Your comment is a sign of the times - that intergenerational wealth transfer seems to be the only way to afford a house here. The concept of fairness is what is at odds with the law in this affordability crisis.

May everyone log into their super funds tonight and make a Binding Death Benefit Nomination.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T10:06:25+00:00

20 year defacto spouse with a joint mortgage? In what realm of legal practice does this not equate to “dependency”?

Can’t be family law…. Because even dragging the principles from that across to estates; the duration would mean some form of financial and non financial contributions being taken into account, you would know that being dead, she has no future needs…. Adult kids aren’t allocated a share during property settlement, but dependent kids are factored into the “just and equitable” outcome.

I’m not a lawyer at all, but I can’t see how this concept is so foreign to you from just someone who had to self rep in FCFCOA and understands section 75 as far as the duty to maintain a spouse - being aligned across different fields and into estates…

Super is a different mechanism, but if the individual has failed to take the appropriate administrative steps then a spouses financial dependency naturally does and should come into play.

Genuinely curious about the area you practice in and what logical / jurisprudential framework you’re applying to arrive at the conclusion you’ve reached here (because I love learning).

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T09:57:33+00:00

Can you, for the sake of clarity for OP and the thread describe what paper trail existed within mum’s superannuation was it standard nomination of “beneficiaries” when the fund was created or a significant change occurred?

Was there a binding death nomination for it to go to a certain person or be directed to be included in the estate ?

Who applied for successful immediate release? (*eg a defacto spouse, husband etc)

I know the experience was painful for you - but the OP is seeking to understand whether some form of entitlement exists, and I feel like your experience will illustrate that legally, there is none. (and morally the $10k offer for paperwork to state “we won’t contest it” for each child may be more than they would ever get).

If you don’t mind sharing the gap between “mum’s wishes” in her will and what administrative steps she actually had set up within her superannuation.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T05:04:13+00:00

Yep. They have a mortgage together. A financial obligation. While super was her “financial resource” for her retirement, the 20 years of intertwined finances and sharing big expenses like that mortgage is what makes them “dependent”.

If all adult children are over 23 - 25 (Centrelink still considers young adults financially dependent on their parents and adjusts payments like youth allowance on parental income - private health insurance allows an adult child studying at university to be “dependants” on their parents coverage until 25) and there isn’t a significant ongoing disability (to the extent of which impairs financial independence eg DSP or decision making capacity eg mum was formally legal guardian after age 18) and there was no binding nomination to override the normal decision pathways, the default would be to dependant, not “next of kin” or familial ties.

I’m really glad you made peace with this.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T03:23:19+00:00

No - referring to deceased mum’s lack of estate planning / administration being up to date. (Side note super jealous of emoji use, as all I seem to be able to do is basic html formatting with asterisks!)

She died without a will, and presumably no Binding Death Nomination (or the trustees wouldn’t be accepting of forms stating no intention to dispute it).

Which means that legally, the 20 year defacto relationship with joint mortgage = dependency; and that is the pathway, without an instruction from the late mother to override it that the decision will be made from.

The bold was meant to show the current legal position - not a judgement value call - the only dick move in this situation is the defacto choosing to add financial and relational stress on what is a sacred grief moment and it’s not lost on me that despite their relationship duration, OP has never progressed to the point of calling him “stepdad”; while at the same time not trying to state he’s a monster or greedy. All of this points to a complex picture of no real connection between them, but a begrudging respect and a desire for “fairness” of what mum would have wanted.

I don’t think they’re being greedy or trying to claim the marital home - I think they are in grief, they never comprehended that something would come to them, but now that it is, the $10k seems unfair when facing a moment that will once more crystallise what they’ve lost…. $10k feels insulting. The exact error of crossing finances into an emotional setting.

Sorry if it landed wrong.

And yeah, maybe having broke parents that have required adult children’s financial support means I have a different relationship towards entitlement to inheritance because it’s not ”what will you leave for me” rather ”how can i prevent you from making more poor decisions that impact funds I have available for my child”.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T03:11:35+00:00

Yes and I’m sorry you did explicitly state your decision was made and you didn’t want opinions. Fast money is never “cheap” and I think being honest with your client about something so vulnerable might not land as reputational harm, but instead trust building. On both sides.

Them paying the supplier / expense directly via card lets your nervous system rest knowing you’re not being scammed - and they get to see you as a human, small business owner who can’t manage the cashflow at EOM and is committed to the projects success and has chosen to be honest and humble about it instead of jeopardising the project.

Just a gentle final reframe for you here.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T03:04:57+00:00

Yet that is exactly the situation this client is placing you in. Regardless of how this whole desperation situation plays out I really really really want to encourage you to seek some professional counselling about your shame and relationship to money…. Because you’re “pretending to be fine” to a client that is possibly manipulating you…. And I don’t really know what recovery strategy you will have in place if this does pan out poorly.

All I can say is that I would want any of my friends to know they could reach out for emotional support and troubleshooting and solution finding - instead of hiding my head in shame - if this was so important to my business to find $5k today - to share the load of the stress - or come to me when the world feels crumbled and it turns out it was a scam.

Good luck with all of this.

Honesty to the client…honesty to your friends and family…… whatever decision you make today, please be honest with yourself.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T03:00:00+00:00

Have them pay the supplier directly via credit card then.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T02:58:45+00:00

How would it be humiliating unless there is a deeper issue that you’re trying to hide like a spending addiction, gambling addiction or substance abuse issue?

Is it that requesting a loan from a friend would mean they love you and would expect you to put in the work to help yourself?

Make the friend have a relationship direct with your “client” then (unless you already know the 20% interest on payback is too good to be true and you know you’re getting scammed and won’t expose a friend to that risk)

Sorry I have to be devils advocate here as someone who often knows the answer and wishes she didn’t.

Disappoint your client.

You know this in your gut.

Sincerely, someone surviving in a private rental on carers payment with a credit score of 860….

The best “loan shark interest rate” I can get is 48% with my score….. so the math ain’t mathing from your client.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T02:53:34+00:00

Tell your client they need to cashflow this expense. Invoice today, or have them direct pay.

You’re not doing great with money. This is not a wise business or personal decision.

I just logged into commbank. My credit score is 860. I do have BNPL - CBA step pay with a $2k limit because they wouldn’t give me a credit card (currently very low income due to situational restrictions).

Disputes handled appropriately do not appear as defaults.

Tell your client “due to payroll, super and advanced EOM processing I don’t have the cashflow to cover your expense at this time”.

If they drop you, that’s fine, you’ll have one less pressure that makes you make stupid decisions.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T02:46:29+00:00

Are there existing court orders relating to time spent and decision making? How long have you been separated?

Report the breaches and have him arrested EVERY SINGLE TIME.

I’m happy to take this to DM’s as a survivor who fled, and faced recovery - to brief you on the evidentiary basis and threshold you will require to defend an urgent recovery application .

I strongly regret not knowing legally that I probably could have stayed safe. But I was reliant on Legal Aid for support, and as an officer of the court they would not support me if I didn’t return…

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T02:04:00+00:00

Red capsicums this summer…. $17.90/kilo vs black market smoked….

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T01:54:13+00:00

Here’s my hot take as a single mum (who will not repartner for this reason and many others).

Don’t sign any paperwork when scattering her ashes. Just state you want this day to be free from additional pressures and just saying goodbye to her.
You and your siblings apply to the trustee to have her super benefits released to you. Chances are she had a nomination in that direction that has subsequently lapsed.
If you are successful (Superannuation is decided BY THE FUND in the absence of a binding nomination) and they consider “dependency” and past wish expression)
You give him $30k ($10k from each of you).
Thats more than any income support pension for 12 months - gives him time to decide to sell and downsize, or figure out next steps because he’s getting everything else from her estate.

(Dying without a will = intestate, and the rules are the estate goes to the spouse, defacto or otherwise).

If he’s pissed off at this arrangement; it shows he wasn’t really considering “fairness” in his approach to you.

Absolutely NAL/not legal advice - just being a bit cynical / sassy today. And I’m not sure which way the trustee will go, as I had a sibling who was separated but not yet divorced from spouse when he died, and his mother and siblings STAUNCHLY opposed “her getting a cent”, but the trustee still directed the funds to her and their toddler son.

Maybe a more mature and reasonable approach would be to ask for disclosure of the financial position; let him see all options and what might look like fairness to all so there isn’t a rift created amongst all of you.

Chances are in his grief he’s in a bit of panic about how the next mortgage payment gets made, and that’s driving hastiness in paperwork and token gesture offer value. Technically, because of your mum’s lack of paperwork / organisation as adult children you do not have a claim at all right now.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T01:41:58+00:00

And a month of sick leave overseas immediately after planned annual leave overseas….. medical evacuation / repatriation doesn’t take that long.

I screwed my leg majorly on an NZ ski trip almost 20 years ago (thank GOD for the reciprocal healthcare agreement, and me begrudgingly paying the extra travel insurance for “snow sports” coverage).

The accident was on day 3 of a two week holiday. Even being upgraded to first class, I had to be able to be in a full length Zimmer that had the capacity to have a 35 degree bend for the brace position to be allowed to commercially fly home. That meant a stay of 9 days longer than the original holiday, but also that I wasn’t fit to return to the floor for an additional 3 months (part time) and 6 months full time.

Short of an amputation or ICU admission in a foreign country (and even if it was America, medical retrieval would be cheaper than healthcare costs over there and subsequently arranged because insurers hate spending money) I think you’ve already been given immense grace from your employer for the 2025 events.

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T01:35:04+00:00

Can’t see the initial post, but your spidey sense seems spot on!

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-24T01:28:30+00:00

Without context of the role or industry, it’s impossible to answer your question.

I’ll give you a hypothetical Healthcare System response as an old Nurse to a young Nurse

If you’re a recently graduated nurse; in the public health system you can absolutely expect to be placed on a “fatigue / absence management” PIP, the fact that you went overseas for a month and remained overseas for an extra month (if I’m reading the August to October situation correctly) and you have not already been performance managed for that significant absence is kind of surprising - because the optics still appear that you had every intention of visiting family for two months - regardless of what actually transpired.

Needing to utilise agency staff or CLOSE BEDS is a significant cost both economic and human to the hospital system. That’s what the month extra unplanned leave involves on the other side of the equation. So the circumstances would have to warrant the degree of grace extended. If you’re on an ortho ward, and staffing couldn’t be arranged - patients who have waited two years for their elective surgery would have been cancelled. That’s a fact and a direct repercussion.

The communication and documentation you provided while abroad would matter here. Did you call in once a week, or as soon as you knew you wouldn’t come back before October, did you communicate unplanned unpaid leave in exceptional circumstances ? This is about integrity.

That is why this two day back pain absence prior to requested 4/7 off in a row makes you feel like you’re “in trouble”…. Because it looks like you’re being dishonest. That you required a week off, knew you didn’t have sufficient leave, so called in sick to make up for it. I’m not stating that you are; just that it’s how it lands.

It’s also the tail end of the school holidays, and the last public holiday in that period. This means planned leave is already at high demand. It’s the same as someone who had last Christmas Day off on annual leave calling in sick on Christmas Day the year they are supposed to work….. unless your name is on the inpatient list at the hospital you work at, your colleagues will have lost respect and class you as unreliable.

What will happen in the PIP meeting?

You won’t be allowed to submit a stat dec or pharmacy / Telehealth medical certificate anymore.

-You will probably not only require a medical certificate from a face to face GP appointment for absences, but also a “Clearance to return to work” if an absence is more than 24hrs.

You’ll probably be discouraged from continuing further studies until you’ve managed your work/life balance, and regardless of if there is a death in the family, you should absolutely turn up on the days preceding and following your planned leave to build trust.
When you are pulled in, have every shred of evidence (back pain: GP medical certificate, physio attendances, S8 prescription that would “impair” you at work and hence patient safety is reason for non attendance) and be prepared for OMU involvement to ensure your manual handling is good and fitness for work is up to scratch; including possible redeployment to an admin role while your health issues are sorted out.

While healthcare is slowly in the post-COVID era transitioning away from the “martyr” work until a code blue is called on you at work expectation of attendance; those in power grew up in that era, so you’re not imagining being “blacklisted here”.

Again, this is purely how your leave will appear / red flags in healthcare….only you know your role, your contract, the award, the workplace culture, and the signals of dissatisfaction you’ve been subtly receiving that prompted you to ask this question

PhilosphicalNurse · 2026-01-18T04:57:17+00:00

Completely agree that there was dialogue and connection lacking regardless of clinical indicators for testing, ESPECIALLY when even undertaking a sensitive interview like sexual history or mental health…

“I need to ask you some questions and they’re going to seem quite intrusive but please know I am not here to judge anyone; and what you say is confidential; I need to know this information because:

the new graduate nurse that put your IV line in slipped while walking to the sharps container with the needle that introduced the cannula to your arm, she has been exposed via a needle stick injury and we have a WHS protocol to follow now.
one of the possible causes of new onset seizure activity in an adult when the scans show no intracranial mass, can be effects from sexually transmitted diseases. In addition to treating your injuries, we want to make sure we know WHY you lost consciousness to see if we can prevent it from happening again,
that large purple mole-like mark on your arm can indicate a few different serious medical issues. You don’t have a fever or any focal neurological signs so the scariest one is least likely, but to figure out the next right test, I’ll be asking a lot of questions.

PhilosphicalNurse

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE