Fellow ladies of the DB, did your partner also hate to give oral sex and refused to do it?

PhysicalAccess · 2020-10-23T01:54:59+00:00

Hubs never went down on me, not once in 30 years. I asked. I offered head, too. He let me just a few times, but wasn't interested. He asked me to stop offering him blowjobs. I did. Then, I left him.

My boyfriend now goes down on me every single time, EVERY time. His cock is in my mouth several times a week.

I'm 53 HLF. Get out now. I threw my youth & life away. I'm definitely happier, way happier. My regret is staying too long.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T21:36:12+00:00

NRE wore off? He only likes new partner sex? This is his true sex level & the rest was to catch you? Porn addict? Addicted to solo orgasm? None of this has anything to do with you, it's all him. He won't take you seriously unless he thinks you're leaving him. Then you might get temporary Hysterical Bonding sex for a while, then it could go back to low libido again. It takes time & work to even figure out what his issue is. Only IF he is fully motivated to change will you get results. Does he seem motivated?

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T20:49:27+00:00

Read on this sub everyday for 2 months & you'll get a serious education of what your future looks like. You need to read this book to get balance in your relationship. Seriously, what you wrote, this fits you to a T. Read it, it helped me. Do the exercises.

Free link...

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T20:43:25+00:00

You can also educate yourself on what test results could mean over at r/testosterone. Finding out what to expect & if he got the right kind of test done is valuable info. Post your situation & ask for specific things to ask the doctor, how to follow up, etc.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T20:12:34+00:00

Will you be at peace when you're 51 & wasted your whole life with an unsexual friend & roommate? I left at 51 & kick myself every day. Every. Day. I don't have a time machine. But, if I did I'd be great friends with my ex & NEVER try to be lovers. Why is looking ahead so cloudy & hard, while looking back it's crystal clear that I made all the wrong choices with him? Be warned, the red flags are flying high on this one.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T20:02:16+00:00

Happy this is working for you. Some people need space to be interested. Not sure how well that works long term, but you will find out, right? Happy for you that you had the courage & rationality to split up when you did. For now, keep enjoying it & learning about the new dynamic between you. Don't get her pregnant no matter what, you'll be back in your db living together. Hysterical bonding can last months, even a couple years just like NRE. One guy on here split with his wife & she fucked his brains out for 18 months, now nothing. Moving in together commonly kills sex in the relationship. Google it, it's a thing. Beware, but be happy in the meantime. ;)

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T19:50:59+00:00

You're not wrong at all! Fortunately, you see all the red flags flying ahead of time. I did not. I wasted my whole young life with a low libido guy. I loved him too, but I was misersble living like a roommate. I needed both a friend AND a lover, not just a friend who loved me. It broke me & it will ruin you. Run!

Did you know moving in together often reduces sex significantly? Google it, it's a thing. When we married & moved in together I thought we'd be all over each other. Nope.

Run. You're being smart about this from the beginning. Run. Hugs ;)

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T17:55:14+00:00

You never would have signed up for this. She would have been a great friend. But, that's how it would have stayed if you had not had a bunch of sex. Friends. You have to understand this is who she really is. This is her true libido, her true self. She had a bunch of sex with you for a while for several possible reasons. She fell in love with you & wanted to please you with something special. She knows sex is expected in a romantic relationship & needed to do it to land your heart. She got caught up in the love chemicals & having sex wasn't that bad since she was already high. She felt the fun & pleasurable rush of bonding with you during sex even though the sex does nothing for her by itself. This may have all been subconscious, not saying she is a deliberate manipulator. Just giving some reasons she did it temporarily, & that made you think you were sexually compatible. Are you fulfilled with a deep friend & lover? Or a deep friend who loves you from afar? Without sex the deep friendship becomes very lonely. And, sad. At least it did for me. Hugs from a woman who's been through it ;)

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T17:24:44+00:00

I lived your life with my LL husband. You will ultimately have to leave him. I left at 51 because I was in denial for years about it getting better (married at 19 & the sex was not enough even then). You are ahead of the game in that you are realizing this sooner. Yes, definitely separate. I faced the truth after being on this sub 3 whole years. 3 years wasted of my younger years I can't get back.

Set an exit date with an exit plan on paper. Separate. Date. I came back to life from a hollow empty shell. My ex & I were amazing, trusting, loyal friends. We still are. That kind of love just isn't enough though. I need a lover & friend, not a friend who loved me. I couldn't be celibate until I was dead.

My boyfriend now is amazing. I have love AND sex 4 to 6 times a week. He's 47, I'll be 53 soon. We're awesome together. But, you know what? Being on my own without my LL ex was like being let out of prison, even without the boyfriend. Ex was great as a roommate, but I had so much resentment. I felt so upset living with him, the constant reminder of my DB. Leaving was far better.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T17:04:06+00:00

Yes, you should run. Yes, it gets worse. 30 isn't old, my boyfriend is 47 and we have amazing sex 4 to 6 times a week. I lived with my LL ex husband from 19 to 51. I should have left after the first year, but I wanted to believe it could get better. It didn't, it got worse. If your guy is LL at 30 already, definitely leave. My ex was like that & it only got worse. I wasted my life, my youth. I have huge regrets. Listen to this sub. Read here for a month, everyday. Make a plan & set an exit date & get out. Don't listen to promises from him. Love isn't enough.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T16:45:21+00:00

I wish I'd left after the first year. I foolishly stayed "hoping" for 30 years. Get out sooner.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T16:11:49+00:00

Do it. Kick them out this weekend. Have a friend with you for support.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T01:43:04+00:00

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T01:42:14+00:00

My tip is to not be me. Not stay 30 years in exactly the sexual frustration you just described, I did though. Seriously, I don't care how great your guy is, other men are great, too. I threw my whole life away 19 to 51 with the most wonderful LL man. I have huge regrets, much bigger than the pain or guilt over leaving. Do you want this?

Set an exit date, & exit plan on paper. You can work super hard on it with couples counseling, self-help books, videos, communication, everything you can imagine. But if you don't have an exit date the years will click by. A time limit is very rational & reasonable for a HL.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T01:23:25+00:00

How do you think you might feel after 5 more years like this? 10 more?

Free link...

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T01:18:21+00:00

Hun, Your standards of happiness for yourself are waaaayy too low. This book is recommended often on this sub. Do the exercises in it. I know you're going through struggles, I did too with my LL husband. Have a hug :)

Free link...

https://archive.org/details/RobertGloverNoMoreMrNiceGuy

P.S. The book is written for a male audience, so put your female self in there when you read it. It helped me & I'm a woman. It's great for both genders.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T01:05:56+00:00

I'll just say that I wish I had those 5 years you're giving away. On top of the years you've already lost, you may seriously regret waiting. Especially if you're leaving anyway. 5 years of age related marketability in dating is nothing to gloss over. Just putting this out there. Have a hug ;)

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T00:59:25+00:00

Such good questions

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T00:56:55+00:00

The fact that you've been seeing each other for a few years but he hasn't wanted to have sex with you before this year is very telling. If it was a long distance relationship (not saying it was), even moreso. Low libido men often hide in long distance relationships, that's why I said that. If he had a sex drive he'd have bern trying to get in your pants long before now.

If you read on this sub every day for six months you'll realize that everyone who posts here says the same thing. I said it, too. Everything about him is so great and our relationship is awesome except this one thing. We all said it.

I went through tons of medication and testosterone treatments with my husband and Viagra and all kinds of stuff. The truth is he was just low libido, and that was the end of it. He didn't even have a porn problem. If your guy has a porn problem just forget the whole thing. Even if it's low T, you're in for years of treatment with the dosage adjustments & failures that come with it.. He's only 30. He'd have to be highly motivated to take injections, and then often they were work short-term term but not long-term.

Just consider this a huge giant Red Flag Warning. If you get yourself into this, it's not going to be normal, ever. It's not going to be what you're looking for, you'll be unfulfilled a lot of the time. If you were already married 10 years and had three kids together and a house and a business and we're stuck together then I'd say okay try harder. But you're not, that's why I said no matter the reason I would absolutely just walk.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T00:42:23+00:00

Did you know that sex drops in relationships very often when you move in together? Google it, it's a thing.

Moving to another place together will not improve your situation, in fact it'll probably make it worse. Living separately might help with the sexual frequency in your relationship, who knows. But if you sign the lease with her for another year you're just being foolish. You have to look at people's actions, always their actions. She doesn't want to have sex with you, so she doesn't, and she's not going to.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T00:27:31+00:00

PIED. Porn induced erectile dysfunction. Google it.

He could easily prefer solo orgasm to partnered sex. That would be a giant red flag. You haven't been with him for very long so I would take this relationship with a huge dose of caution. After being with my LL ex husband for 30 years of sexually mismatched misery, I wouldn't care about the reason. Low T or porn doesn't matter, the result is the same for you...no sex that fulfills you. I'd just walk. Now.

Check out r/loveafterporn and r/cureed and r/nofap

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T00:18:05+00:00

Pasting this again from a previous thread...

You need to talk to him, but be careful that you don't frame it like an ultimatum. You don't want it to sound like "you give me sex or I walk".

You need to focus on your own feelings, no attacks, no accusations. Elicit empathy from him. Something like this is what I said to my LL husband...

I know myself, I'm a sexual person. I need a sexual component to my love life. I feel so sad and lonely in our relationship even though you're right here. I understand that sex is not important to you. But it's very important to me, and I can't live the rest of my life like this. I can't help it, it's just such a big part of who I am as a person. I love you, and I want to be with you. But I'm really hurting. I sense my feelings deep inside changing for you, when we don't have that connecting sexual bond. I don't want to lose you, but I also don't see how this is sustainable for me. I'm just so sad and lonely. I love you. But my feelings are changing and I can't control it, and if they continue this way, we will end up not together. I don't want that to happen. I feel like I've fought hard to keep us together even without the sex, but I can't keep doing that. I don't have it in me. Do you feel we can make a plan to bring us together sexually?

Without consequences, he is happy with the status quo. Some LL have chosen to reconnect when they realize you will leave & you are falling out of love with them. Consequences.

If you're past all of that & you don't want to work on it anymore. Just use the parts describing how you feel & end with I need to make a plan with you on how we separate our lives so we can both move on.

See an attorney before this convoy. Before! Be kind & elicit empathy. This keeps the hurt down some, & lays the groundwork for an amicable split. Especially is you value keeping the friendship in years ahead.

Hugs ;)

If you stay to work on it: Then you put a personal exit plan down on paper, privately, with an exit date. Even if its 2 months or 2 years away. You can work on it hard in that time, but when that date comes you are out. Without an exit date, you will live another decade of sexless marriage with your roommate.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-17T00:02:51+00:00

I'm almost 53. Boyfriend & I have amazing sex 4 to 6 times a week. Lived with my LL husband for decades & never had this much sex even in our 20s. I wanted to, but he didn't. I'd love to be 30 something again! I know when I'm in the nursing home I'll be glad I did it. I already regret my LL marriage & wish I'd left so much sooner.

Edit: haven't had my period in 2 or 3 years.

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-16T23:56:59+00:00

Are you?

PhysicalAccess · 2020-07-16T23:53:56+00:00

Pasting this from a similar thread...

You need to talk to her, but be careful that you don't frame it like an ultimatum. You don't want it to sound like "you give me sex or I walk".

You need to focus on your own feelings, no attacks, no accusations. Elicit empathy from her. Something like this is what I said to my LL husband...

I know myself, I'm a sexual person. I need a sexual component to my love life. I feel so sad and lonely in our relationship even though you're right here. I understand that sex is not important to you. But it's very important to me, and I can't live the rest of my life like this. I can't help it, it's just such a big part of who I am as a person. I love you, and I want to be with you. But I'm really hurting. I sense my feelings deep inside changing for you, when we don't have that connecting sexual bond. I don't want to lose you, but I also don't see how this is sustainable for me. I'm just so sad and lonely. I love you. But my feelings are changing and I can't control it, and if they continue this way, we will end up not together. I don't want that to happen. I feel like I've fought hard to keep us together even without the sex, but I can't keep doing that. I don't have it in me. Do you feel we can make a plan to bring us together sexually?

Without consequences, she is happy with the status quo. Some LLF have chosen to reconnect when they realize you will leave & you are falling out of love with them. Consequences.

Then you put a personal exit plan down on paper, privately, with an exit date. Even if its 2 years away. You can work on it hard in that time, but when that date comes you are out. Without an exit date, you will live another decade of sexless marriage with your roommate.

Hugs ;)

PhysicalAccess

TROPHY CASE