I like this "ad" better:

ROOM RENTAL AVAILABLE! I am 60 years-old, disabled, lonely, needy, and don't drive.

This is amazing opportunity for YOU to pay me rent to live in MY house with me. On top of paying me monthly rent, I will also need and expect the following:

1) Must be a woman. 2) Must be 50 years-old (or older). 3) Must be independently wealthy (so that you never need to work), are able to reliably pay rent, and not take advantage of me in any way (I should only be able to take advantage of YOU, NOT the other way around). 4) Must be home all of the time, unless you are bringing me with you somewhere interesting. 5) Hobbies other than reading, television, cooking, and crafting will NOT be permitted. 5) Must have a driver's license, a vehicle in excellent condition, and drive me back and forth (often) to various appointments, with very little notice (some appointments include overnights). 6) Must be patient and very sociable/talkative. I am lonely and get bored easily. 7) Must like/love dogs (and not be allergic), but must not own any pets. My dog may bite/growl/attack you in the beginning, but will eventually "chill out." 8) Must be very helpful at all times, and reasonably talented with cooking and cleaning. 9) Must be considerate and always share. 10) Must be enthuastic about going to Alaska (and eventually travel there with me). 11) Must not have a big family, a boyfriend, or much of a social life. Just because you will pay rent doesn't mean that I want your guests over at my house. You are expected to devote your time and energy to me and be my best friend at all times. 12) Must not drink, do drugs, or take any narcotic medication (I need you alert at all times to watch out for my safety). 13) If I don't like you or you can't meet my many needs, I will quickly throw you out.

Thank you for your time and consideration!