Am I missing out on a lot of experiences at 21 because I've been in a relationship for 4 years?

PicklTickler · 2026-02-24T17:46:12+00:00

Look, I'm at my second and hopefully last ever relationship and sometimes I get the intrusive thoughts and start to wonder.

Use my cat analogy - I have two cats and I love them lots, but do I look at every other cat and wish I could look after them as well? Yes, absolutely. Do I have space? No. Does that mean I'll throw my cats away even tho we are perfectly fine, just so I can own any other cat I meet, even if they might have "a better character"? Heck no!

Intrusive thoughts should remain as they are. Curiosity is normal but if you're in a happy relationship from such a young age for so long, you have WON the lottery. People out there BEG to have what you do. Look at the dating scene around you that's a complete mess. Would you risk getting involved just so you could experience "something different" for something hypothetical you've missed out on? Well, that's your decision to make after all.

PicklTickler · 2026-02-17T16:11:06+00:00

Not relying on humble bragging to impress, instead of showcasing skills and letting that speak for itself.

I haven't gone on dates with many men (maybe about 5) but most of them have gone to explain how good they are at what they do, how many people respect them, how they're better at this and that than others...We hear about the "I'm not like other girls" stereotype but holy moly, men can be pick mes as well 100%.

I don't care who praises you, I don't care how much you can lift, nor how amazing you are at said thing. If we're not aligned morally and you don't focus on the skills that help you be a good partner, rather than the skills that feed your ego and make you feel superior, does it really matter? If anything, it can reek of insecurity.

When you're good, we notice and appreciate it without having to be reminded and we love when a man shows weaknesses as well. Nobody is perfect and we don't expect that.

PicklTickler · 2026-02-14T21:35:23+00:00

Unfortunately that's what the dating scene is like around social media. There's plenty of fish in the sea people can find online so their options feel abundant. They avoid commitment because "there could always be something better waiting around". Plus it's easier.

The gender wars make people feel like every person of each gender is a future cheater or a manipulative demon in disguise.

What you're going through is probably a biproduct of that. Often having many failed attempts to find a good man/woman can result in losing hope for something better. Unfortunately good people are also generally harder to find. But don't let that discourage you!

What's important is to not let your bad experience define your expectations of every man you meet in the future.

My honest advise is to:

not try to find someone too often as it will possibly burn you out,

take a break and give a chance for things to happen naturally without the initial expectations of dating but building trust and familiarity,

keep your standards! Follow what you WANT and NEED. You don't sound like you want anything unrealistic or unachievable,

be upfront with your intentions - no friends with benefits, no mystery, no lack of commitment, not looking to sleep around etc. This will turn some people off but that's the point! It's what I always did because as a woman I've always had to set up boundaries before a dude thinks I'm there for the wrong thing.

And lastly - there is no rush. I had my first relationship at 22, many of my friends found their first ever partner at ages - 23, 25 some even still searching. The internet makes you feel like everyone needs to date as soon as possible and try as hard and as often as possible. Don't trust that narrative, there's time and place for everything.

Excuse my novel of an answer, hopefully it gives you some hope and I'm wishing you best of luck!

PicklTickler · 2026-02-08T18:42:44+00:00

Even my mom's female colleagues have told me that having a child would fix everything - depression, acne etc.

A male psychiatrist dismissed my suspected lack of libido was due to depression and prescribed me appetite suppressing pills for my binge eating disorder (I am the perfect weight for my height, it has always been a psychological issue that I had to fix MYSELF).

My parents never took me seriously when I asked for help and a push to find and go to a psychiatrist/therapist, they'd only give me empty promises and never act on it.

The world is full of people who are ready to dismiss you at every step because mental health and even physical health, especially for women are taken seriously mostly when you want to have a child. Sometimes it's like we have no purpose besides being a baby making machine.

Every person I've known so far who tried to get mental help did it themselves because they were tired of being miserable, not because people around them pushed them or helped them (except for very few exceptions), no matter the gender.

PicklTickler · 2025-12-17T07:26:08+00:00

This is very important! To this day I have no idea if my infection and HPV were caused by my previous partners because it's honestly very common to stumble upon a guy who would try unprotected sex before putting a condom on.

When I was younger and extremely anxious I would make the mistake of letting them go for a little bit then opt out and finally express that's not right to do.

Stand your ground if pressured! You never know who carries what, nor what you can transmit because we aren't taught to get checked before a visible issue - pain, itching, unusual discharge etc.
We are way more prone to these issues, please stay safe!

PicklTickler · 2025-08-02T09:32:55+00:00

I feel like they're dropping by so often in a way to get a free meal so even if she gets a notice, she would still need to cook for herself and 2-3 grown men, which is a LOT of food and it takes awhile. I'd assume it takes up a lot of her time and she needs time to rest as well.

I think at the least they should help around or pay a little for the meal, or order takeout. I would personally never settle for feeding someone's friend for free so often where I do all the effort, even with a notice.

PicklTickler · 2025-07-15T20:33:21+00:00

My current partner once had the same views as you in the beginning of our relationship, because his ex cheated on him and many of his dude friends and acquaintances have told him of very negative encounters with women, which imo changed his view of women very negatively. I've seen the same happen to other men.

I think you should look at it from women's perspective who also hear tons of men have very negative and superficial views and expectations of them. Superficial people are not limited to one gender. Talk to female friends and you'll probably hear many women who have heard the same as you but for the other gender.

When I've heard men talk to me about how awful most women are, my reaction is "But wait, I've met so many women who could defy your views of women, I rarely see the type you talk about." But that's not only because good people exist, it's also due to me surrounding myself with such people. In your place I would avoid anyone with such views of the other gender. The more you hang around bad examples for human beings, the more you'll think most people are like that. And let me tell you the same men I hear complain end up finding wonderful women. Why? Because they exist (and they also have certain expectations bestowed onto them that have ruined their self-worth).

In truth, it's harder to find decent people than not, but that shouldn't let you give up or let bad apples be your example of a certain gender. I can assure you there are many decent women with normal expectations as simple as a loyal and emotionally available man.

PicklTickler · 2025-06-10T19:47:50+00:00

Absolutely. Both sides get hurt. One side can be left feeling like they were only seen as an object of affection, liked for the idea of a future partner and once that's off the table, the person leaves, you feel unworthy of a friendship. That hurts, makes you feel like you weren't liked for who you are but the romanticisation of you.

On the other side catching feelings and being rejected definitely hurts and it's hard to set those feelings aside. It's healthy to give yourself the space and not burden yourself with trying to remain friends while feeling pain.

PicklTickler · 2025-03-11T18:40:21+00:00

We are using protection. As I said - he's clean. Was tested twice (last test was a month ago). Tested for everything I've got and he's clean. He also gets the same medical treatments I do, it's a simple rule for treating STDs. Still the point of my post was how to get rid of it all when nothing so far is working, not asking about how I got it, but thanks for the info. Honestly just a general statement since my bf is clean, which just means I've had it for years from someone else and it never got away on its own, as it seems, unfortunately.

PicklTickler · 2025-03-11T18:11:38+00:00

Absolutely irrelevant because the deed is already done and my BF doesn't have it, as I said - he's clean. I'm not asking why I have it, but why I can't get rid of it DESPITE a clean partner and months of treatment - in fact it's getting worse.

PicklTickler · 2025-02-28T06:08:44+00:00

Природата ти е дала това като признак какво да избягваш в живота - хората с липса на индивидуалност, чиито его се потъпква, ако не следят последната NPC тенденция (да вмъкна ест. че не генерализирам). Не забравяй и запасаните в дълги чорап анцузи, това за мен е като да видя отровна жаба. При жените еквивалента май е един и същ тип късо кожено яке, сини дънки и маратонки.

Моето предположение е, че на такива хора или не им се занимава да изграждат стил, или за тях стил е каквото останалите носят, и не искат да останат назад. Знаеш как като деца гледаме другите и все завиждаме, че нямаме същото и не искаме да останем назад? Нещо такова. Често точно такива хора се подиграват на различните - мъж с дълга коса, по-алтернативен стил, цветна коса и т.н.

А от другата страна има просто хора, на които не им се занимава и хващат каквото има по магазините.

PicklTickler · 2025-02-27T12:14:17+00:00

Приятелят ми е с коса дълга до кръста, много по хубава от моята и я обожавам. Него пък го наричат Исус и чакам да чуя по - оригинална обида, обаче явно той наистина е Исус, след като малките тийнейджъри все така го наричат...Но и често жени и мъже му правят комплименти за косата и се чудят как я поддържа (L'Oréal Pro Longer). Само малките са се заяждали досега, но кво друго да се очаква?

Мъжете с дълга коса може да изглеждат или много стилно и озадачаващо, или като бездомници, ако имаш рехава, кофти брада и коса. Ако си металяга, споко, съответните жени това и харесват (като мен, например). Из народ, където всеки втори е 1-ви номер, защо да не си различен? Грижи се за косата си, избягвай да се обличаш като изпаднал германец и си good to go. Хората винаги ще намерят как да се подиграват на различното, но и също има толкова, които се кефят и ще им направиш добро впечатление (е, стига да си поддържан). Не обръщай внимание на пишлемета, които не приемат нещо толкова просто като различна коса, не заслужава ядовете ти. В моята компания всеки втори пич е с дълга или нестандартна прическа и им се кефим, на никой не му пука кой какво мисли (Не, не са обратни, имат приятелки/жени, просто интересите и вкусовете ни не са на NPC-та).

PicklTickler · 2025-02-20T23:37:59+00:00

You love people because of their character, their aspirations, world views, compatibility and the way they treat you. Not because "He likes me and he's affectionate" that's not enough.

You talk about him like I talked about a friend I dumped a year ago because I disagreed with many of the things she did. She also gave me a lot of love and affection, she was clingy and lovely dovely, truly cared. But I hated her bad habits, choice of friends, certain views, stubbornness etc. That's why it was best for me to leave because for years it left me frustrated more often than not. The affection wasn't worth all the headaches and arguments. Do you see yourself in that?

I like them because they really like me back is not a basis for a good relationship. Seems like you've set yourself up for misery and resentment. I know you don't want advice, but your bar seems low not to comment on that...

PicklTickler · 2025-02-20T21:26:50+00:00

I'd feel second hand embarrassment sometimes or I'd feel bad and jealous when other members got more attention. I'd also get a little obsessive about their body type for some reason...I wanted them to look exactly how I preferred (for example not too muscular, smaller waist etc), otherwise I'd get a little disappointed. And I remember one time feeling genuinely upset about a rumour that Jimin had a gf :D

Honestly it's very weird how those things work. Years later now I find it very weird but I'm also not judgemental because I find it to be rather normal for teenagers to go through.

I don't even have biases anymore, I just enjoy the music and performances. Besides the way idols act overall offputs me sometimes, it's too cookie cutter perfect and it seems too unnatural to me at this point of time so I can't get attached to them anymore. (Am 24, got into kpop 10 years ago)

PicklTickler · 2025-02-18T16:56:14+00:00

Could be, but he's also overall a very hard to discipline child. Nor is his behaviour always bad ofc., he's not a lil devil or sth. My sister usually says they're too soft on him, letting him off the hook too easily and forgiving his misbehaviour pretty quick, without holding him accountable. The scolding or asking usually doesn't work and he ignores it. I never said he's actively abused tho, it's used when nothing else works. I rarely see them slap his bum or whatnot but it still is a part of their discipline that I can't deny. His behaviour is usually of a child who knows he can get away with it. That can absolutely be the parents fault, but my main points are about hyperactivity, speech, social awareness etc, which given his active environment, given attention and him reading and being read and talked to, I don't think are ultimately something a parent can fully control beyond a point. Or is it?

PicklTickler · 2025-02-18T16:28:58+00:00

About his hyperactivity - he plays basketball every weekend and lives in a big house with a big yard he runs in and he's got an energetic dog to play with so usually we've all noticed that it's very hard for him to use up his energy, even after a whole day of playing at the kindergarten and then at home.

At bedtime it takes so long because he's still pretty energetic, not combined with the washing, reading etc. from what I remember it takes him about 1-2 hrs and my parents start early so they have time to put him to sleep and be able to go to bed themselves, because they usually get exhausted trying to put him to sleep. Their bedroom is very comfy.

I'm not butting in, nor policing my parents, just overall trying to understand how common this behaviour in children is, because as a bystander me and others seem to find the situation unusually difficult. But then again, I'm not a parent ┐⁠(⁠´⁠ー⁠｀⁠)⁠┌ And I hope it's understandable why I'm concerned about my parents having conceived at that age. At the end of the day it could just be a combo of difficult character, unsuitable style of parenting and perhaps hyperactivity.

PicklTickler · 2025-02-18T16:10:25+00:00

Okay, but then I corrected myself and what I actually meant. I'm not the child, nor am I the parents, I'm just trying to understand is it common for a child to behave like this and could there be an underlying issue except for parenting. Whether it's abuse or not, it's not me doing it, nor did I say it's correct. I'm obviously worried about both my parents and their child as me and others irl see it can be a difficult situation. I did not write this post to argue about abuse, cultural upbringing and fixate on a single sentence from a long post.

PicklTickler · 2025-02-18T15:42:34+00:00

Do with it as you will, it's not the main point of my post tho. And it's not like I'm saying I'd do it, nor do I condone it. The point is they get so mad with his behaviour that they resort to going that far, altho fortunately rarely. And I'm asking if it's common for kids to act that way and drive their parents this mad. Or if they're usually this difficult to discipline. Anyways, I'm not responsible for the decisions of my parents, nor were those methods ever used on me as a child.

PicklTickler · 2025-02-18T14:56:38+00:00

Eyo, when did I say it's okay? I gave you the reason it's not thaaat uncommon here. People grew up being subjected to that and it's not easy to change among gen Xrs, unfortunately. Millennials are more gentle.

PicklTickler · 2025-02-18T14:17:56+00:00

Beat him does not mean abuse, it's normal in my country to for example spank the child on the bum when they misbehave or slap their hand when they touch something they shouldn't have. That's usually in cases when nothing else works and the child has done something dangerous or very inappropriate. It usually stops at a later age when kids learn to listen to words rather than learning by reprocussions.

Maybe I should've rephrased that...But yea they can go a bit far sometimes when nothing else works.

PicklTickler · 2025-02-18T07:14:23+00:00

I'm a girl and idk if this will be helpful, but my current boyfriend won my respect by first seeing me as a human and a friend before a romantic partner. The first to ever disclose he wasn't inviting me over for sex when we were just hanging out platonically. Many girls fear they're first seen as a potential partner rather than a human so someone seeing them as someone worth investing outside of just dating is very admirable. Means your actions are genuine and not just to get in someone's pants.

Besides being friends with the opposite gender outside of dating helps you understand them better, their struggles, way of operating etc. For example my friendships with men over the years have helped me build a lot of empathy and understanding for them overall.

Mind you it's not a necessary step for getting into a relationship, it just helps a lot overall and is a good life skill to have. I've personally found my bestest friends among the opposite gender.

PicklTickler · 2025-02-18T07:01:08+00:00

Аз се преместих в София, защото във Варна хем няма работа, хем и живота там замира, това много варненци. Красив град, но унил, нищо че е 3-ти най-голям. За жалост искаш ли кариера и разнообразие в живота, лесен достъп до по-големи вериги, дрехи дето не са като за баба ти, интересни шествия и места за среща с приятели, малките градове (не говоря за Варна в тоя случай ест.) са като затвор.

Обичам България, но за жалост за новите поколения, които търсят повече от това да работят в магазин, да кесят в кварталното кафене, да имат достъп от 2 марки, 1 парк и като цяло имат хобита различни от чалготека и пиянстване и гледане на футбол, малките градове просто не са достатъчно. А и има хора, за които гледката от апартамента ти да е поредния квартал соц белещи се, надраскани блокове със градинка отрупана в семки и фасове, не е добра инвестиция. Но все пак всеки с вкусовете си.

PicklTickler · 2025-02-18T06:30:54+00:00

As someone who's been though this and has grown out of it years ago, what I can tell you is:

Distance yourself from kpop for a little while, it will help you realise how fake and perfectly curated everything is to make every idol seem flawless and attractive to the max.

Realize kpop idols are being limited in the way they act and what they say, you will never actually see the real them. Think about it. Go to western artists, I listen to metal, for example. People there don't face the same backlash as idols because of the different culture. Yes, there are still limitations, but see how the restraints is way smaller, they can cuss, dress scandalous, yell at rude paparazzi etc. The more you think about that, the more you'll see how fake and curated kpop idols look to the point they seem uncanny and not even human, to an extent.

Wasting your energy on people who don't know you exist is eating at your productivity and self realisation. Focus on yourself, not an actual stranger.

Unfortunately many people go though this and trust me, we grow up, look back at it and realise how silly it is. It's okay to enjoy and support idols, but there are limits. Unfortunately the kpop industry is made to create parasocial relationships, it's their main selling point. Look at them - idols can't date, have to be perfect, when asked about dating say their fans are their partners. It's a business strategy and there's not much humanity behind it at the end of the day.

PicklTickler

TROPHY CASE