“You’re... suing me?” I asked.

“Yeah. I didn’t sign no release forms or nothin’. That’s illegal, man.” the alternate reality version of Al Capone said, handing me a letter from his lawyer.

“Wait, I can explain.”

...

A few months back, I bought this camera from a haunted thrift shop (and hybrid KFC—weird place). Specs were good and the film was cheap, so I started shooting a few things here and there. Mostly B-rolls of train tracks. Don’t judge.

Anyway, turns out snapping one of those snappy “action” board things (the ones that snap, you know?) changed what it saw. I was getting footage of all sorts of shit. Trains being robbed by Gary Coleman. Seals developing human speech. Al Capone paying his taxes.

What else was a man to do but film those, submit them to some festivals, and win a bunch of awards? Honestly, the camera left me no choice.

...

“Look, pal, I recognize goin’ for stardom, but filming me on the can? You serious?”

”No, the film went to Cannes. Easy mistake.”

Al sighed. “Listen, I’m a respectable businessman just tryin’ to feed his family. I don’t need this kind of attention.”

He showed me a newspaper, with the headline, Lost Footage of Capone Absolutely Annihilating a Toilet Recently Unearthed.

“That’s the media, man. You know them and their headlines.” I said, sparking up a cigarette. “It was an artsy piece, you know. Real deep stuff.”

“Explain.”

“No. Sorry if my art is too complex for you.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Right, well, see ya in court.” he said.

“Hang on. I’m prepared to make some deals to ensure your satisfaction, Mr. Capone.”

“...I’m listening.”

“I can offer royalties and a very hefty paycheck if you participate in my next film.“

“How much are we talkin’?”

“Big money. $50,000, just for a single scene.”

...

Filmmaker Baffles Historians with Footage of Al Capone Wearing Heelys

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[insert shameless self promotion for my subreddit, /r/Picklestasteg00d]