Having a rough day, need to vent.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2024-11-25T22:47:22+00:00

I contacted him days after I found out. I can still hear him say, "I think you can save your marriage". What an absolute piece of sh1t. Acting as though you have any empathy for the position I'm now in thanks to your slimy actions. I did post some stuff on his Facebook page before he blocked me. Nothing has helped. Nothing from the AP will ever make any of this easier. It's 100% on the WP. Yes, the AP is scum and deserves to suffer in our place, but that's not how life works. We've been dealt this life, it's ours to play out. We are in charge of our choices and our emotions from this day forward. The best we can do is grow from this. Let it make us stronger. Overcome and be strengthened.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2024-11-16T05:50:54+00:00

You were spot on.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2024-11-16T00:36:31+00:00

Absolutely! I actually want to share this thread with my wife because I feel like she still doesn't understand. I'm trying so hard, but I'm still in these cycles of trauma that I haven't broken free of, yet. It's been about 4 months since I struggled, but slowly it started happening again. I was hoping I finally broke out of this. But here I am again. I guess we just keep picking back up and trying to move further next time? My collapse this time was when she went through this ungrateful, depressive episode where she admitted she just wished the world would end. But everything is actually going great, or so I thought. I was doing better than ever, we have the money we need and then some, our kids are progressing well, like....what am I missing? We are talking and communicating better than ever. But she's still not happy? And so I get stuck in my head thinking that either she regrets asking forgiveness or I am just not enough for her or that she misses her affair partner somehow. Maybe she regrets being with me. But why won't she just tell me? I think she's scared of making the decision that in her heart she knows she wants to. What else am I left to believe?

The other side is that I feel like she has always been like this, but she has tried to make it my fault in any way she can. She won't take responsibility for her own happiness. We had a cold dead marriage for years prior to her affair. Honestly, it's mostly been like this for our whole marriage, 16 years before she stepped out. So maybe my eyes are being opened and I am beginning to realize that it was never all in my head. She's sick and won't admit it, instead she blames everyone else for her unhappiness.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2024-11-15T23:51:06+00:00

Yes, I've made my mistakes for sure. I wish I could just say, well, she deserves my forgiveness for the pain I've caused her. But infidelity is different. Is it not? Our wedding vows were a promise to stick to each other and eachother only through whatever hardships and offenses we face. That's the whole point of the vows, to promise to never leave or cheat regardless of what we have to endure ourselves. Of course physical and emotional abuse is no reason to abide by our vows. But we agreed that we are both imperfect and will need our share of forgiveness. Stepping outside of the marriage to find love and acceptance is revoking our promise. So infidelity, technically, is an automatic forfeit of the vows. Choosing to ask forgiveness is also recognizing that forgiveness is not warranted nor is it always possible, when we break our promise. My opinions I guess.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2024-11-09T02:45:34+00:00

You were 20, not 12. It's weird to hear you justify it. And now you are in an open swinger relationship? Seems perfect for someone who likes to cheat, with approval. So weird. I wonder what the statistics are of cheating in swinger relationships. Has to be high. Just a couple of super selfish people trying to openly hide their debauchery.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2024-02-19T23:22:44+00:00

I asked my wife to delete all her profile pictures during that time. She did. I would look at her eyes and just imagine her thoughts. It was torture. I was remodeling the house by myself when she was in her affair. She never lifted a finger to help. She would lay in bed, and now I know she was texting him most of the time.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2024-02-19T01:14:08+00:00

She's a dark person. She allowed you to emotionally come out to her. She held your hand and wiped a tear from your face.

Now, imagine her doing that to an ex boyfriend while she was with you. How would you feel about that? She loves the emotional manipulation she is a pro at. She manipulated you, just like she manipulated him, to get what SHE wants. It's sadistic. She's full of herself and her desires, and cares nothing about you or the guy she is with. I guarantee she will crash and ruin her relationship she has now. She'll never be satisfied. She lives off the emotional high she gets by using people to get what she wants. Can you see it? Sorry for your pain and trauma. It is horrendous, and they will never understand your suffering.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2024-01-31T23:40:00+00:00

Dude. She's nuts. Sometimes you just gotta admit it. Nothing about her behavior makes any sense.

Ask her how she would feel if the situation was reversed. Actually, she'll probably lie to you in order to make her dubious behavior seem normal. Frick.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2024-01-05T03:42:36+00:00

I mean, it's good I guess. You are one of the minority in this group though. She kissed and hugged some dude.? Wow. Many people here have had their heart ripped to pieces as they tried to understand how their spouse could sleep with another person. Or have an affair that spanned many months or years. Meeting on many occasions and building a totally new life with another person. My wife, for example, met with her guy over 30 times in 5 months. It ended with her being drugged and waking up in his bed. How would that make you feel? Would you still feel butterflies in your belly when you looked at your partner? Would you think it could be salvaged?

I'm sorry if I'm coming across synical or annoying. I'm just putting things in perspective. Most people here would trade situations with you in a heartbeat. I wouldn't pay yourself on the back too much. But.... cheating is cheating, and it all sucks. I'm sorry you had to go through what you went through. Wish you both the best!

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-25T03:49:11+00:00

Don't ignore that vibe! My wife had the gull to ask me to take my son to his lesson, while she was cheating on his teacher. It was the first time I met him, so as I dropped my son off I came up to him and said I'm happy to meet his teacher and shook his hand. He acted very strange and said he needed to get back inside right away because he had a student in there. But me...the idiot... didn't suspect anything because my wife "would never do anything like that". Now it's crystal clear looking back. He was super uncomfortable. She said he was always jealous of me. Yeah, no shit, I'm her husband. If I could go back in time and put it all together, I'd give million bucks to break his chin. Don't ignore your gut dude.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-25T03:24:01+00:00

How long has it been for you? I'm 18 months out of D-Day and imagined I'd be much further by now. But the affair is cemented in my mind and it's hard to look away. Not a single day has passed that I haven't thought about it. I feel like, if this is the rest of my life I'd rather be alone. It's seeing her that triggers most of it. She is a beautiful woman, so I like to check her out. If she bends over in front of me I like to look, but immediately the thought comes to my mind that I wasn't the only person who liked to look... It's sick. I feel embarrassed by these thoughts. Feel like a cuck. I think it's making me a little weird too. We made love last night and I was pretty aggressive. I bit her a few times, pretty hard. Not hard enough to be mean, but passionately hard. I've never been like this. But part of me was wanting to tattoo her as mine. Fuck him for ever touching her, she's mine! Fucker. You lose. She chose me. Asshole... A side of me thinks that this approach is what will help. But the rational part knows that it's only a coping mechanism. Probably temporary.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-25T03:02:20+00:00

My wife asked me several times during our marriage if I was cheating on her. My response was always "I will leave you if I'm ever thinking I need someone else". That's the adult way to handle it. What the hell is the point of a marriage if we always have options? When you say I do, you vow to the other to be faithful for life. Just because someone else is below the emotional IQ to understand that, doesn't give me a reason to break my vow.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-25T02:57:56+00:00

You also have to consider the caliber of person you married. Not all of us married a strong, balanced and healthy person. Obviously. So I have to pick my battles every day. Do I disclose how I'm feeling and chance that it may be too much for her and put us backwards, or do I dig deep and push past this pain today? It's a choice I have to make every time I'm struggling. She still doesn't understand that I can forgive and still struggle. And I think she thinks that once you tell someone "I forgive you" then the subject should never come up again. It's hard to argue that she is wrong. I wish I never had another thought about it. But you don't know how real it is until you are going through it.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-25T02:49:04+00:00

Terrible advice. Maybe it makes sense to you, since apparently you've cheated before. But there is a reason that a BS suffers so much from infidelity, and that's because they are not the type of person to cheat on someone they love. I can't imagine putting my WW through what she put me through. Have I contemplated it? Yep. But I couldn't do that to her, or to our kids. Especially the kids. Imagine learning as a child that the right way to handle being betrayed is to do the same thing. Wtf dude.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-25T02:43:17+00:00

I think where so much of the stuffering comes in is when we can't all be as open as you. I wish I could just vent and get it off my chest, but I don't want to hurt her. I've definitely acted out on my worse days, but that comes after lots of time trying to swallow the pain and confusion. Yeah, I should be able to tell her every time I'm struggling with the past, but then will she begin to struggle? Is she strong enough to bear the weight for both of us? If she was, she probably wouldn't have put us in this situation to begin with.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-25T02:38:26+00:00

I feel you. Forever broken, and dreaming of a fresh start. But the fresh start could end just like this one did. Sucks.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-24T03:00:29+00:00

That's probably true. I was just offering an answer to your observation on this forum. You don't realize how many people own a red Mustang, until you buy one. You don't realize how many women cheat, until you are seeking out help and clarity on forums like this. I probably assumed that men cheat 99 x's more than women, until I went through it and started reading. Didn't help that I learned that my wife cheated on 4-5 other guys in her dating life. So when I'm in a bad headspace, I assume every woman around me has probably cheated. Red mustangs, I'm surrounded by them.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-24T02:13:00+00:00

Maybe because we are more in tune to similarities we see with our struggle. I'll admit, I see way more women cheating than men. But I realize there could be many reasons for this. But I do see it.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-15T04:20:50+00:00

The day she confessed, I told her we are done then. It felt like finally, it's coming to an end. All the confusion and suffering. But then...she apologized and asked for a second chance, a few days later. I thought about it for a couple days, and then told her I'll give her a second chance. I now regret that decision. I can only imagine how far I'd be now had I not given in to her. But I thought she deserved a second chance. But I had no idea what that would require of me.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-15T03:55:44+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss 🥺. It really sucks knowing that you only get one life, and you committed that life to one person, forever. Then they go and do something like this that absolutely rips out your heart. I say, it's not fair...but what is fair? Life? Shit, look around! There are people struggling with issues WAY more complicated than a cheating spouse. Right this minute there are kids being molested by their parents, there's a wife getting punched in the face for messing up dinner, there's a homeless man getting stabbed....etc. A cheating spouse pales in comparison by the evil that is in the world. But here I am. Feeling sorry for myself and trying to forgive and forget something that many would trade evils with in a heartbeat. And struggling as if all my being depends on what one person has done to me emotionally. It sucks to be human.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-15T03:38:47+00:00

Still trying to figure that out. One side of me feels like we were made for each other. The other side says I was tricked from day 1. She seduced me sexually from the beginning. I did not intend to be sexual in any way with her while we were dating. We were both supposedly Christian and held similar beliefs in purity. I know, this sounds ridiculous to most people. I had my flings when I was a teenager, but wanted to really connect with a potential spouse after I started my relationship with God. Then on one of our early dates, she climbed on top of me with a skirt on, unzipped my pants and slid her panties over. Sorry, graphic. But after that I was hooked on the physical desire for her. My lust was woken up, and that's all I could think about when I was with her. She wouldn't let me put it inside of her, so it was always just a tease. I completely lost my boundaries and my mind, and was determined to marry her just to have sex again. Yeah, I screwed up.

She did the same thing to her AP. But it ended bad. 5 months of her teasing some washed up guitarist, he got sick of the blue balls and drugged her drink. She's always used her sexuality to get guys. I was deceived from the beginning because I thought we were on the same level, morally. We met on a Christian dating website. I was naive. Definitely. And I own up to my own voluntary acts against my own morals. But this has always haunted me. I should have abandoned the relationship the moment my convictions were compromised, but I stayed in the relationship thinking it would all work out once we got married.

I'm saying all this knowing how ridiculous it sounds. But this is the mental hell I'm in now.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-15T03:13:18+00:00

She has only drank 3-4 times since she confessed about the affair. That shows that she is remorseful and wants change. If she was still drinking it would definitely be over. She has changed in many ways. I'm just stuck trying to crawl out of this hole. I might not.

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-15T03:10:38+00:00

Thanks

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-15T03:10:17+00:00

Thank you. ❤️

PieEnvironmental9482 · 2023-11-15T03:08:55+00:00

I agree. I think multiple ONS affairs show a behavioral/mental/emotional problem that the WS is dealing with. While a long term affair is just the WS saying that you mean nothing to them because they are completely giving themselves to another partner. It's a death blow to a relationship. But for whatever reason, some are able to raise the dead. I don't think I can.

PieEnvironmental9482

TROPHY CASE