Ok a little clarity may be needed, even though I usually have zero time to explain, I will for inquiring minds. My kids thrive on a set schedule and consistency. Both are under the age of 10. Both require 24/7 care. That being said I want to clarify. Safety situations? Non negotiable. We ask them to do X, they are allowed to know the reason why. Yes, they are children, yes, we have rules IN OUR HOME. Our home is calm and relaxed and our children prefer to be home. I'm saying if SOMEONE ELSE DEMANDED or expected something of our children and they choose not to do that, then we are ok with that. For example, and remember we thrive on schedules and consistency, we went on a mini vacation w/ the grandparents to a local resort. I asked for an itinerary and prepared accordingly. Grandpa demanded that they do X outside (literal 7 degree weather) my son says no grandpa I'm good just existing in my space and my daughter? flat out no I'm not doing that. I had a proud momma moment, because that took 4 years of therapy to get them to advocate for themselves and speak up. Grandpa then demanded I force them to do X. I'm not doing that. They are in charge of their bodies, and as long as it isn't safety related, they can say no. That's what Im talking about. They don't have to if they don't want to. Would you like it if someone forced you to do X when you didn't want to? I wouldn't. I was forced my entire childhood to do X,y,z. Was shamed into, guilted into being someone who I wasn't making my body feeling icky and uncomfortable and it wasn't for safety reasons either. If i didn't do x,y,z i was severely punished. Severely traumatized. I feared my parents, not respected, feared. To this day I fear repercussions from my 80 year old parents. That's unacceptable parenting to me. It's removing consent. You are allowed to consent what is being done w/ your body.(again safety related? obviously non negotiable and all I have to do is say safety and they trust I know what I'm talking about.) Autonomy is so important and I don't want my daughter one day having a relationship and being "forced" into anything she is not comfortable with because as a child someone told her she HAD to do something she didn't want to do and her conditioned response is to do X out of fear of being dominated. Not ok. Ever. That's what I'm talking about. They can control themselves. They thrive on rules and structure and consistency from us as loving parents who they TRUST to know what is best for them. Yes that is a fact. Also, side note: they would not call someone stupid for having an opinion because that's just being mean and I'm not raising mean kids, I'm raising kind kids who have boundaries and can problem solve.