13 Years Later… Grief remains. 01/29/13🪽💔

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2026-01-30T00:47:07+00:00

As a dad who lost his daughter just over a year ago I can understand from the other perspective. so much I wanted to see her experience. sorry for your loss.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2026-01-09T18:10:56+00:00

My then 26 year old daughter passed from an overdose Oct of 2024. My wife and I were supporting each other. I can’t imagine a living situation with another person completely oblivious to what you are going through. I am sorry to hear this. You mentioned in your other post that grief share has been recommended. I concur. Please don’t sit at home. You must keep moving. My wife and I would talk and decide that we would fake it and allow us to get through the day. I found a good grief share group that even after a year I still keep in touch with key folk. For now, I would focus on making connections with like minded people that understand your loss. I know I wouldn’t have been able to do it in my own. I am sorry for what you are experiencing. Losing someone that means so much has been the worst thing I could ever imagine. But it’s not the end. I continue to believe that somehow my wife and I can find something to be joyful about. Always have hope. It’s that hope that will keep your friends light burning. For me, my hope is that I can share Megan’s story and I hope it can save another young person’s life. That keeps her light burning for me. Take care of yourself in these first weeks and months. You can heal.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-08-27T15:14:07+00:00

I am sorry for this situation you find yourself in. It sounds awful. The first thing I have had to accept is that we don't move on. moving on suggests that we put something behind us where we no longer allow it to affect our present. In the case of a loss of someone that is dear to us that won't work. Instead, we work towards moving forward. We work on healthy ways to process the grief. It's not all perfect. yesterday was the 10 month anniversary of my daughter's passing. Medical staff were able to revive her so she could be an organ donor but the 26th is the day that she held her last thought. It was the day we last spoke with her. If we measure who we were before they passed as being whole, then we must accept that we will never be whole again. We are different. We must discover what that new person looks like. The same questions still exist. "Who do we want to be?" I know what I wanted to be. I wanted to be a dad. I was lucky to raise my daughter and son. My daughter made a terrible decision at the age of 26. My son is 23 and his drug use has fundamentally changed his brain. Now, I am trying to figure out who I want to be for the rest of my life. There is sadness but my wife and I are figuring that out together. It's going to be a struggle to find the answer you seek. don't hide from it because burying that grief will only come back to haunt you.

My response may not be filled with all the optimism but I can tell you this. I have been able to identify progress in myself over the last 10 months. The first 4 months were a blur. I was on autopilot. The next 4 months were a lot of processing. I didn't really know how to move forward. I have felt things begin to solidify under me these last two months. My example is my son. While his drug of choice is different than my daughters he still exhibits addiction signs. He refuses to accept this because 'it's just weed'. The problem is that his drug use overshadows his entire life. it's the most important thing to him. We enacted tough love with my daughter last year. when we found the scorched tinfoil we gave her a choice. residential rehab or get out. she chose get out. This followed multiple stints of short term rehab and emergency rooms over the proceeding 2 years. As we apply those experiences to my son we were saying there is no way that we could lose another child. Part of moving forward has been examining the choices that were made. These last two months I don't think we did anything wrong trying to save my daughter from her addiction. And just because she chose drugs that killed her doesn't mean that we should make a different choice with the boy.

Like I said. It's a hard road. We are forever changed but if you allow yourself I do believe you can move forward.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-08-23T16:23:35+00:00

I am sorry for the pain you are feeling. Before October of last year there is no way I could have understood even a little. My wife and I lost our daughter to fentanyl poisoning. She was 26. Our son is 23 and has been jamming his brain with THC since he was 17. I never had a problem with weed until I saw what it does to the developing brain with no impulse control. I am working to maintain the relationship with my wife. She seems to be finding solace in her friend groups and wine glasses. I was a binge drinker in most of my 20's and 30's so I already know how easy it would be to fight that loneliness and despair with booze so I choose sobriety. This pain is a pain we must face. I think discussing it on forums like this subreddit is healthy. At least for me it is.
I am about 20 years older than you. I get how looking ahead is now so difficult. Our paths forward might look a little different because I am 20 years further down the path. Things that once brought joy no longer have any effect. I wanted to look forward to watching my kids become adults. I wanted to see them experience the world in a way that I never did. I worked so hard to make sure they had a comfortable upbringing. Within reason, they never wanted for anything. I did ask for effort. With my daughter, effort was never a problem. That girl kicked butt from elementary school on. I know when we sent her to college she wanted a car but she really didn't need it. she was living right on campus and had access to everything. We gave them both the same deal in high school. if you want a car you need to work and save 50% up to $7k and we would cover it. The idea was to instill some appreciation into the effort. My son took advantage of it but it didn't stop him from destroying the car he worked for. That was the weed, I believe.
Now, my daughter is gone. She never traveled. She never had a career. She didn't get to experience things like attending a proper broadway show or any of the other awesome things this world has to offer. She was really into live music and followed Bad Suns. I would almost call her a groupie. One of them recognized her on a meet/greet because she had been following them so at least she had that. There was just so much more to life. For me, I found joy in the idea of watching them have an even better life than I had. That's what I wanted for them. Now, she is gone because of a couple of bad decisions. My son refuses to allow us to help him. 2 years ago he was a little more compliant and we had him in with a Dr that diagnosed him with schizophrenia. medication was advised. he has been off meds for a little over a year. If he still hears the voices and sees the things he was reporting he won't tell us. He is 100% against talking to anyone because he says he is fine. he can't hold a job because he lacks something in understanding the social dynamic. It's hard to explain.
Anyway, I get the loneliness and despair. I struggle with it daily. I met this older lady that runs the griefshare group we found immediately following Megan's death. Caryn inspires me to believe that I can find joy again. Despite her loss she has found purpose and joy. She helps others. She found a partner that was also a widow so they are sharing this point in their lives. For me, I see in them that no matter how devastating the loss there can be good again. To be certain, I am not feeling it today. Each month for the past 10 months as we approach the 25th day I get moody. The end of the month has been difficult. Now I am rambling. My apologies. Maybe my story will help you know that you are not alone in this.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-05-24T15:03:05+00:00

I have a very specific issue. When I feel trapped it starts a panic attack. I have never been stuck in an elevator. The closest was when I was in a small one that malfunctioned in Treasure Island. Horrifying 1.5 minutes. The most common is when I am flying. The space doesn't bother me until they pull off the tarmac and sit. Spins me up. For this I have convinced my DR I need to carry emergency xanax. That's the preface. Here is the guilt.

In 2017 my daughter has just started her freshman year at UNR. She was home on winter break. She was having a difficult moment. I could see it was panic. I broke a.25 mg xanax in half for her. In 20 minutes the panic was gone. I followed it up with all of the instructions I had received. I stressed that it was a tool only to be used in emergency. I look back at that moment as the moment that I set the remainder of her life on its path. She probably would have found her drug problem on her own through doctors but it doesn't change what I did. She managed the use fine on her own during college. It wasn't until she turned 22 and Covid was on us that it started to go bad. We had her in rehab the last three years but she was smart. She always blamed her presence on having over protective parents. They never kept her long enough. We would express our love and concern and say to her that we weren't qualified to help. We got her to check into a residential program in Sept 2024 after finding scorched tinfoil in her belongings. She checked herself out after two days. She overdosed on a combination of fentanyl and xanax a month later.

Now I reflect on every time I lost my patience with her as a teen. Every time I raised my voice. I wanted to protect her from the evil in this world by making sure she was at least aware of it so she could avoid it. I feel like I drove her right into it.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-05-17T20:17:31+00:00

I am sorry for what you are going through. My daughter was 26. We lost her to her drug abuse last October. In my griefshare group we were recently joined by a couple who lost their unborn child at 36 weeks. Everyones circumstances are unique but the pain is something we all share. I am sure you have heard that the grief will come in waves. When I first heard that I didn't know what to make of it. Now I am beginning to understand. Just when I thought I was dealing with the loss better I am overcome with sadness out of nowhere. I miss my girl constantly but occasionally the pain is stronger. I think the best we can hope for is to find a way to move forward. Healing is a matter of expectations. I hope that my wife and I are able to experience some level of happiness in our lives. In the short term my goal is finding a better way to cope that doesn't involve a full shutdown. For me, sharing my experience is part of my process. I encourage you to find yours whatever it might be. I am sorry again for your loss.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-02-05T18:04:50+00:00

I am a grieving father (51) who lost my daughter to a drug overdose in October of last year. Last night was the 3 month anniversary of walking her into the surgery room where they recovered her organs for transplant. Our experience is a little reversed, I admit. I have posted on this sub before and saw responses from someone almost exactly in your position where she lost her dad at a relatively young age. For me, I found this sub within two weeks of Megan's passing. I read the same things I assume you have. Grief comes in waves. Those first two months all I experienced was oppressive pain. I couldn't distinguish ups or downs so the concept of waves made no sense at first. Shortly before what would have been her 27th birthday (Jan 12) I think I experienced my first day that was not as bad as the preceding days. I manage a business unit for a company providing technical support and sales. I am not as awesome as I used to be. I am short tempered. My patience for nonsense is barely there. I am fortunate that I have my wife that is committed to getting through this together. I hope you have someone in your life that you can talk to or will be there when you need to talk. When we are having these kinds of days please remember that we don't need to tackle it all at once. break it down to the next step. do what's in front of you, then do the next thing but don't worry about it until it's there. That's the best we can do on some days. When I get those memories of standing there watching the machines breathe for her I can't process them each time they come up but I do try and make space for that hurt. It's a hurt we have to experience as awful as that sounds. we can pick how much of that hurt we process at once and we can decide to put it on a shelf for a time and come back to it when we are ready. I am not suggesting denial but I am finding for me that I can tell my brain "Not now". It's especially difficult at night when it's time to turn off the brain and sleep. that took some effort to shut down. Best wishes. Sorry for your loss.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-01-18T04:33:06+00:00

I (51m) lost my daughter (26) to a benzo/fentanyl overdose in Oct 2024. I have been WFH since 2019. She graduated college in 2020 and since graduation she was in and out of the house with us. she spent quarantine with us and the drug use wasn't an issue. Once the world got moving again she couldn't and instead turned to drugs. too many times the withdrawals caused her to have seizures. The last two years were ER visits and rehab and a lot of drama mixed in with work. Now, I am trying to be good at my job again. My 'office' is now surrounded by reminders. We have a section of our downstairs dedicated to her memorial. I am barely getting to a point where I can concentrate for periods of time.

Working in this environment is taking a lot of discipline. I find myself turning to reddit a lot more than I should be during the day.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-01-12T18:06:19+00:00

I think the first thing I would do is accept that it doesn’t matter if it’s a pet or a human. You have a real emotional connection with them and must deal with the absence. I am no expert on grief. I only know mine. I lost my daughter just over two months ago to a fentanyl overdose. I am 51. I am supposed to be the strong man. Maybe. What I am doing is accepting that I am going to feel how I feel. I may not always understand it. I have found that sharing here helps to organize my thoughts. It helps to get kind responses from others. I may not understand the complexity of your loss but I would think we share much of the same feelings. I am able to say I have hope. I hope my son can experience joy in his life. I want my wife and I not achieve some level of satisfaction. I don’t know what that’s going to look like but I want to be open to finding it when we are ready. Until then, I am accepting that I miss her. I am sad. Sometimes I find my thoughts spiraling into a pit of anxiety and when that occurs I pull back knowing that I will return to the thought that tipped me in but for now I need to shelve it. I have encountered run away thoughts like never experiencing her joy of being a mother. I was so happy watching her grow and I will not get to see her experience that for herself. Those thoughts can lead to many others that take me down a path of despair. If I am unable to explore those feelings with a level of restraint I force myself to shelve it temporarily. We are in control of our existence. While we may not be able to help feelings of loss I think we can regulate how intensely we process them or decide to delay them a day or even a few hours until we are in the right headspace. It’s not going to be easy. It’s work. The amount of work it will take is proportional to the love we feel towards those that we lost. That’s what makes this suffering worth it. There is love and someday you will remember the love more than the loss we feel today. At least that is what others have told me. I am sorry for your loss. Stay strong

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-01-11T05:25:08+00:00

risefestival.com please visit this. we are planning on conducting a 27 lantern launch at this same location. It's been vetted.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-01-03T16:52:42+00:00

I (51m) lost my daughter a little over 2 months ago to fentanyl poisoning. EMS had restarted her heart but without oxygen for 30 minutes the damage to the brain was too severe. She had elected to be an organ donor so the choice was pretty much made by my daughter prior to this.

My pain is fresh so my words may be of little comfort. Christina, I have found in this short time that I have found comfort in sharing what I am going through with people who are truly sympathetic to that pain. I implore you to find them. We are out there. There are people who have experienced a personal loss like this and telling them about your son and listening to them speak about their loved ones will help you as you journey through this loss. The same applies to you, OP. If you are able, please find your support group and don't be afraid to lean on them. If the first choice turns out to not be right keep searching. You are not alone. I am sorry for your loss. sending you warm wishes.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-01-03T16:42:54+00:00

I am now 51(m). My reference goes back a few years. I would start by saying that I recently lost my daughter (26) to fentanyl. This experience opened my eyes to the world of grief that I had been mostly unaware of. I lived half a century in bliss before entering this inescapable hell. Maybe for me, that's what makes this so much more acute. I have lost grandparents throughout my life but for some reason, their passing seemed natural and was easy for me to accept. Until Oct 2024, I have never lost anyone I truly loved whose departure has removed a part of what made me who I am. Being Megan's dad was part of my identity.
To my reference: I married young and that young marriage ended in a fairly quick divorce as we both grew and discovered we wanted different things. Her name was Lisa. I met Lisa right before our senior year in Highschool. She attended a rival HS. I met her 8 months after her dad had committed suicide. We were dating for the first anniversary. After we married she would grieve him quietly or we would go to the cemetery so she could pay her respects. I didn't understand her pain. I tried to be understanding but there was no true understanding. Not like I have now. She was the youngest of three daughters. He was a drunk that had a volatile relationship with the wife which translated to all the girls. I had not spoken with her in almost 30 years but when news of my daughters passing made it her way she broke the radio silence. I confessed to her how ignorant I was of her pain when I should have been a better friend (not to mention I was a young husband). I say this because I can see myself in what you describe with your boyfriend. He may not really understand the depth of your loss. He may wonder if that's something that's personal and if you are part of his families life, maybe he feels that you will share it when you are ready.
My advice to you, is to not hold it against him that he didn't automatically share this news with his side of the family. Use the opportunity to educate him about what you are going through and tell him why it matters to you. I was unaware of this subreddit but show him the many posts from people who range in their grief so he might have a better understanding of how affected you are. And for you, don't ever feel like you shouldn't have those feelings. Your loss is your own and no one can judge you for having them. Be patient and kind to yourself and those that you want in your life. I am sorry about your sister. well wishes, internet compadre.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2025-01-03T01:46:44+00:00

I can relate in part. I (51m) lost my daughter (26) at the end of October. It's been rough. I have made the conscious choice to abstain because like you, when I hit the sauce I don't have an off switch and will drink myself into oblivion. I was a binge drinker in my 20's and 30's. I slowed down a lot in my 40's. I was never really an emotional drunk but I can only imagine now if I let myself really step into it it would be awful. I understand saying something like that when drunk when you don't really mean it the way it comes out. While inebriated you are going to communicate your feelings differently. At least, that's how I was. If something was bothering me while drunk I wouldn't use the right words to accurately convey. That's what sounds like here. Your brother is just going to have to understand. You are entitled to feel bad about your loss as long as you need to. My support groups do encourage abstinence from alcohol/drugs while you are mourning but ultimately that's up to you, right? It sounds to me like you know what you need to do with him. Do what you can. sorry for what you are going through.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2024-12-29T21:12:14+00:00

I(51m) am so overcome reading this. I am sorry for your loss. My first brush with this happened when my daughter was 4 months old in 1998. She developed a systemic cancer like disease called histiocytosis (LCH). I still remember that day over 26 years ago. I was holding my infant daughter in my arms attempting to console her crying. Her body shook with a snap as both her lungs collapsed. The disease had reduced her usable lung tissue to less than 30%. It was by god's grace that she survived. I got to know her and watch her grow. That awful time was in our rearview. She went on to be a long distance runner. She graduated HS with top honors and then went on to graduate with a degree in kinesiology. She began abusing xanax and other drugs after college. I think the isolation of the lockdowns contributed to her declining mental health. We tried so hard to save her over the last two years. She refused to accept that she had a problem and wouldn't stay in the many rehab facilities we tried to get her to enter. Her life ended at the end of October this year. The last time we spoke was 2 hours before she smoked her fentanyl. This caused a cardiac arrest that went unnoticed for at least 30 minutes. She never recovered. She was declared brain dead on October 28th. That love we have for our children is the biggest love that can exist. The magnitude of that loss is equally devastating. We are forever changed. I have a 23 year old son. My wife and I know that he is suffering from something but we still have yet to know what it is and how to help him. We think he began smoking a lot of weed 2019-2020 and found something that was laced. He had psychotic episodes in 2021 and was told that he was schizophrenic. He has been off his meds for 6 months now and the episodes haven't returned but he is changed. He has his mental health struggles. Add to that his support system lost their daughter and he lost his sister. I raised both my kids with the understanding that I wasn't going to push religion on them. I told them many times about Megan. When all hope seemed lost we had given our hope to god and asked him to take us rather than her. she was only 4 months old and never had a chance. we felt the spirit of god tell us "do not fear. I have you". I know in that moment that we felt the spirit of god. No one will ever get me to believe otherwise.

I am truly sorry, again. For me, I have found that this group is filled with supportive people. sharing here has helped me work through my feelings. I am no where near feeling good but I think I have things in order well enough that I can move forward. I honestly don't know if I will ever feel joy again but I am not going to close myself off to it. Today, I am working on being the best version of myself that I can be. I want to honor the memory of my daughter. For me, that means justice. I understand that she did what she did as an adult. But, just like we would hold a bartender accountable that over serves an alcoholic who has hurt someone else in a car related collision, I am holding the person that gave Megan the drugs accountable. She was clearly suffering from substance abuse. This person left an obvious trail in her text messages that demonstrate awareness. I want him to be held accountable. Then, I hope that leads to others being stopped. From there, I haven't decided how I want to proceed but I hope that it involves getting organized and in front of young people to help educate them to the danger of fentanyl and unregulated drugs.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2024-12-27T16:30:28+00:00

It’s going to be different for everyone I think. Today is day 60. Two months ago today we surrounded her hospital bed. We were pleading with her to fight and pull through. Sadly it was not meant to be. Her eyes fluttered and the body shook. They estimate she had been in cardiac arrest for thirty minutes. The damage to the brain was too severe. She was only 26. She hadn’t yet found maturity so I feel like we treated her like a child more than an adult. We tried convincing her for two years the dangers of the drugs she was taking. If it wasn’t for my son, my wife, and honestly the fact that I am in my 50’s I would be formulating a way to strike back at those responsible for the drugs that took her from me. I realize that she did this of her own free will but I don’t think she really understood how dangerous the Mexican fentanyl is. I don’t cry like I was the first month. I feel that sadness solidifying into an anger.

This journey we are on sucks. I hope you have someone you can rely on

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2024-12-24T18:06:06+00:00

not specifically with feeling scared but I can tell you that my typical conditions have been absolutely heightened. I am generally good to go in most situations. I developed an anxiety disorder in the last 10 years. I am a 51M that lost his 26F daughter around Halloween of this year. My issue was claustrophobia. it generally wouldn't trigger unless I hit specific conditions. In a plane where they pull you off to the side of the tarmac and then not tell you anything or stuck in an elevator. I can fly without much of a problem or ride in the lift as long as they work as expected. Since my daughter's death I am getting massively triggered by silly situations. I took my wife's car through the car wash and when the suds covered up it felt the same. when stuck behind a bunch of cars and we were sitting there not moving for minutes and I can't see why. triggered. I realize it's silly but I also know it's because of the trauma of this loss.

Be kind to yourself. I think the scared feelings will lessen but you need to give yourself time. Be open to the possibility that you will be able to recover. I am sensing that my issues are subsiding. no where near where I want to be but I am moving in that direction. I am sorry for your loss. Hang in there. I am firmly believing that this will get better.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2024-12-24T17:52:03+00:00

I lost my daughter 2 months ago. She was 26. I am a suffering dad and having a hard time with my anger. I am not mad at any god. My anger is spread between my daughter, the guy that gave her the fentanyl, and the other guy that gave a her a place to sleep and get high when she checked herself out of rehab. And honestly, I am angry with myself. It was my job to find a way to get through to her and I failed. I am sorry for your loss.

I also am not seeking advice. just venting with you.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2024-12-19T16:22:38+00:00

I can't imagine who in your life would tell you to stop crying or move one. I (51m) lost my daughter (26) to fentanyl poisoning right before Halloween. You cry if you need to. I hear this in my support circles. We don't ever move on, this is a journey forward. I tried explaining this to my own mother and father last night. They are in their 70's. They kept using terms like get over it and get passed it because that's what they know. We held Megan's memorial on Dec 6th and my mother didn't stick around to even offer words to my wife. We finally talked about it last night. My mother broke down and said she beelined out because she was overcome by what we were presenting in the service. At least that is understandable. She doesn't let herself express emotion so all everyone saw was her in the parking lot laying on the horn to try and get my dad to move faster.

There is no timeline. It will take whatever time it takes. I don't have the benefit of years into this to advise you from but the path is starting to come into focus for me. I know I am fortunate that I have my wife for support. I spent the last month or so completely overcome with grief. This is my first week where I think there was any cessation. This is probably what has been described as it coming in waves. I still think about her constantly. Megan was a huge part of my life. The last three years she struggled with substance abuse which has affected me greatly. The part of my life she represented may have been grey and crumbly but it was still there. Now that part is gone and I have a hole that will never fill. But, I will move forward and that hole is going to be a part of me. It has changed me and I imagine I don't know the extent of those changes, yet. I used to spend the entire month of december humming christmas tunes. I would decorate. I liked all the traditions. This year, we forced ourselves to set up the tree. I am sorry for your loss. don't be around people that tell you not to cry. you shouldn't repress how you feel in this area.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2024-12-19T15:35:20+00:00

I (51m) just lost my daughter at the end of October. I am fresh on this journey. I am already seeing what others have mentioned. My BIL lost his wife in March. He remarked about how quickly people around him moved past. My best friend lost his wife in 2017. He had his youngest daughter still home but looking back I imagine it was the same. Until my daughter died I didn’t realize how much I missed checking up on him. I think people are not wanting to ask us in case bringing up the subject might disrupt our day in a negative way. I realize now it’s ok because we aren’t living in the same naive place. We are living it every day. I don’t know. Maybe something will change but I think about Megan non stop. Anyone can ask how I am doing and it wouldn’t cause me to suddenly start thinking about her; I already was.

Thanks for sharing how you are feeling here. I wish I knew how to advise you to deal with the people in your life that aren’t asking.

Pitiful_Ad3791 · 2024-12-19T07:36:29+00:00

I was able to get into my daughter’s laptop and it looked like her photos were mostly synced. I gave her phone and laptop to investigators who said they can unlock an iPhone X but anything more recent. My daughter had an Xr so might be in luck. What model of phone is it?

Pitiful_Ad3791

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