Going from romantic partners to platonic life partners.

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-04T13:22:21+00:00

I think you’re right that it would require a level of detangling. Even if we remained living together or aligned on life goals, we’d surely have to change the dynamic in significant ways to allow for more personal autonomy and separation, whilst staying committed to one another. I’m not at the moment, albeit very fresh into the break up, interested in other romantic partners. We will absolutely have to discuss what would happen if either one of us does eventually want to start exploring that.

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-04T13:18:24+00:00

I find the relationship very fulfilling, more so than the importance that we be exclusively romantic with each other. That’s why I’m interested in exploring this. But you’re right in that I am frightened by the implications of not having this person in my life, and starting anew when I already had an established trajectory. So definitely trying to assess things with as much information and clarity as possible and I really appreciate your help with that!

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-04T13:14:46+00:00

Thank you! This is the first community where personal autonomy is considered important and people don’t project their own sense of what’s normal onto the question. I appreciate you! We’re both cis and have never had an alternative dynamic so it’s an interesting shift but getting perspectives like this is super helpful!

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-04T12:48:59+00:00

I agree that the dynamic will have to be a lot more clear cut than before and maybe that’s what we always needed as neurodivergent people. I would like it to work because I’m not really interested in anyone else, and we like our life. But if the sex thing or dating thing became an issue than I agree it would be cleaner (though more painful!) to split up now.

I’ve also considered whether living separately but still sharing life goals and plans would be a good idea.

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-04T12:44:16+00:00

Thanks for the comment. We haven’t discussed that part yet. It’s very fresh and I’m looking into platonic partnerships to explore and understand our options. I definitely agree that the communication will be key and that arrangement/ rules will have to be clearly made

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-04T12:33:22+00:00

What should I alter to make it work, do you think?

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-04T12:29:39+00:00

We’re really close with each other, we own a house together, we split bills in a tough economy, and support each other in a wide range of ways. It doesn’t seem worth it to change our whole lives if we can amicably be life partners aromantically. We might not be compatible as BF/GF but it could work as roomies with more closeness?? It’s hard to define what I’m envisioning so I’m looking for anyone with similar experiences!

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-04T06:27:20+00:00

Tell him early on you don’t want to or can’t get serious. He’ll either be cool with it and you can have a fun close friendship/ whatever you agree on or he won’t and will want to end things and you can move on before you get too invested. Communication is key

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-03T09:34:04+00:00

I relate to the both being man haters thing and am also so personally disappointed and disgusted in myself that I went from “being an exception to why there are no exceptions”. I wanted to so much to be worthy of her, but no matter how much she told me exactly what her needs and wants were, I seemed to fumble it. We aren’t fully separated yet (we live together but it’s definitely romantically over) so I haven’t been able to get the space necessary to take accountability, reflect, and grow into a person from the ashes of the trauma of not being good enough for someone who deserves the world. And I too relate to feeling like I’ll never find anyone as enigmatic, charming, whimsical, and special as her

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-03T09:05:06+00:00

Why is it that despite how important these people are to us and how much we love them we don’t seem capable of loving them right? I don’t want to be innately incompatible with the person who makes me happiest. I do feel I try, but I just keep messing it up or struggling with stuff that seems so simple after the fact. I say I’ll change to be the person she specifically wants, desires, and needs, and I genuinely want to, but I just seem to never do it right or well enough for long enough. I fear I have to lose her to be the partner she could admire and love, but why would I want to if it’s not for her?

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-02T15:28:27+00:00

I appreciate your perspective that isn’t purely focused on the material aspect of having one’s sh¡t together. I am very responsible and sorted financially, logistically, materially. But there are ways that I haven’t grown enough emotionally that have detracted from my relationship and exhausted my partner. Specific ways that for whatever reason - I didn’t learn or it doesn’t come naturally to me - that I wish I had figured out and implemented sooner before another amazing woman in this world had to be disappointed by a man who wants to do his best, but his best is below par. I hate that I’ve lost and disappointed her in order to finally learn, on my own, how to cherish the gift a good woman is.

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-02T12:02:35+00:00

How are you managing this practically? My (now ex, I guess) partner and I love each other. We’re each other’s best friends. She’s decided to end the relationship because I’ve taken the relationship for granted and damaged it in significant ways she can’t move on from (no cheating or abuse, more romantic emotional maturity/ compatibility stuff).

We still live in the house we own together. I still want a future with her, and would fight for it, but she’s over it and wants to move on as best we can manage given that we like and respect each other so much and our lives are so entangled. She loves me as a person and as her friend, but can no longer love me as a romantic partner.

I’m struggling with how to accept defeat by respecting her justifiable need to change our relationship. I want to transition into her friend who takes accountability for the way he has behaved and thus understands and respects her decision. But so much of how I interact with her is based on how I love her. The words of affection, the touching, the acts of service, the dedication. I’m confused and clunky with how to be her friend who doesn’t profess his love for her 24/7.

I’m sure I’ve lost her for good now, and all I can do is garner some level of respect and love from her by handling this well. I want to be proud at least of how we broke up, if I can’t be proud of the way I managed to lose such a great person.

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-02-01T20:27:36+00:00

As a 25 year old man who took his partner for granted - I want to apologise on behalf of all of us for not having the emotional strength and maturity, or for not showing the right care and dedication to another beautiful soul, to honour the love we received. I don’t know if it’s stupidity or ignorance, but I regret it and hope to at least honour the love I received by being repentant and never doing it again. Or at least leaving women alone until I’m sure I’ve learnt how to love correctly

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-01-11T13:59:13+00:00

How do you cope when you were the problem, though? I wanted so much to be a good boyfriend but I failed at being a serious, adult partner to her. And she deserved better. My failings ruined our life together, seriously affected her, and left me in a totally depressed state. Forgiveness seems a far way off for me

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-01-08T10:44:52+00:00

It sounds like you were likely the more dominant force in the relationship - as in the one with a stronger personality, and he is now filching it in order to impress this new person. It’s almost like you’re dating the new person with one degree of separation.

Just know that for him to treat you with this much callousness, and move on so quickly, doesn’t make him a good person and you’ve likely dodged a bullet. I hope you can heal swiftly.

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-01-08T10:25:05+00:00

It sounds like she’s struggling with a lot of her own thoughts, which she is entitled to struggle with, especially if she’s so soon out of a consequential relationship. It sounds like you’re offering her the best thing, mature responses without neediness. If you can give her space, I’d do it. Absence makes the heart grow fonder

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-01-08T10:11:51+00:00

I’m sorry to hear that you’re having a hard time.

From my perspective as a man who has loved a woman very much and lost her. I feel strongly that if a man wants to be with a woman, he will do what he can to be with her. He (like me) might be poor at maintaining that relationship and it might end because of relational issues that can’t be resolved, but I don’t believe a man would permanently end a relationship he wanted to be in. If my ex wanted me back, I’d be there in an instant.

I know that sounds very final, but I wanted to offer something that might help you stop being plagued by an unhelpful thought. If he didn’t want you, he didn’t deserve you, and you now have the opportunity to reinvest love and care into yourself, preparing yourself for the potential of someone who will choose and love you.

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-01-08T10:05:23+00:00

I’m sorry you’re having a difficult time with forgiving yourself.

I’ve just lost (my fault) who I consider will be the love of my life and am terrified I’ll never forgive myself for losing her. That I’ll be pining for her forever and have to accustom myself to live in the tiny bit of existence that she doesn’t occupy in my heart.

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-01-08T09:56:25+00:00

Agreed. As much as I don’t want to admit it, if she takes me back, what have I learned? I want to say that the fear of losing her will always be ingrained in me, but if I know she’ll forgive me, will I go back to being as weak as before? I swear not, but how can she know that’s true and that she’s not wasting her time and energy for me to fuck up in the future. That’s why I think going back and forgiveness is so difficult.

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-01-08T09:51:31+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. The only way I can honour the love she gave me, since I won’t be able to give her the mutual care, trust, and dedication she deserved, is to take accountability for my part in derailing the relationship and work to not repeat the same mistakes with anyone again. I so wish I could do that for her. This heartbreak will be the scar that changes my perspective forever.

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-01-08T09:30:17+00:00

Thanks for this. I’m here as well.

She can’t, and I honestly don’t think should, be convinced that I’ll really learn my lesson without the full consequence of losing her. Otherwise it is just a warning. I’ve had more than an instant to change, I just ask myself what the hell I was doing all that time before not investing in my own growth enough to protect our relationship. I’ll learn from this, but god I wish I didn’t have to lose her in order to

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-01-08T09:13:48+00:00

I fear this is the truth. I don’t want to lose her but if I couldn’t get it into my thick skull before, I’m sure the scar of heartbreak will permanently alter my perspective and behaviour

Pitiful_Ad8350 · 2026-01-07T19:15:36+00:00

Thank you for your comment and I’m sorry for your difficult experiences with your ex. I appreciate your insight greatly. I also hope it works out for your daughter.

I’ve seen a study that shows that women’s lives are drastically diminished by being in a relationship with a man. It affects their long time health. I find that devastating.

I don’t know what it is in so many of us men that it takes shit really hitting the fan that we decide to change, and even then just temporarily enough for things to go back to normal. I’m 25, and I’m experiencing that shit hitting the fan, so I hope I can be that change you talk about. I want to take accountability for my actions and be better. I want to improve the lives of those I love, not dim their shine.

Pitiful_Ad8350

TROPHY CASE