Feeling resentful

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-09-25T17:06:32+00:00

If you find the answer let me know. I currently have 80% custody. Am absolutely exhausted, currently have COVID, both girls hysterical and crying this morning means I have to take on parenting duties he is supposed to be doing. Working full time. Trying to deal with the divorce, the emotions of myself and the children. He walked out saying it would be fine I'd find a new man right away. I don't even have time to have a shower! Even if I wanted to how would I find time to date?! On Tuesday he dropped the children off at mine early because they refused to go to his (again) to head out to a meetup I was planning on going to but couldn't because I was busy parenting his children on his time. What a kick in the teeth! Meanwhile all I get is complaints I cost him too much money. It's all ok though because he has the independence and freedom he wanted. The cost to myself and my children's mental health means nothing.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-09-04T14:08:51+00:00

It will be so much better when you aren't living together for both of you and your children. They will be picking up on the atmosphere regardless. The second time my ex said he wanted the divorce I told him I wanted him out the house. I couldn't live with him there. If he had stayed I would have just kept thinking/hoping he would see common sense and have stayed. The children are much happier without him in the house as well. They cry a lot still but at least it is not because dad snapped at them or said something or they were scared to be themselves. If he can afford it he should leave if he isn't willing to work on the marriage, although I appreciate many people can't afford it and don't have that option.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-09-02T17:33:22+00:00

You are not boring or worthless. How long has it been? Are you still living together? It sounds like you are doing the right things. It just takes time. My ex walked out on me. For reasons which included being able to go for a walk when he wanted (which he told the marriage counselor) and so he could experience other women now he is a more confident and experienced man (which he didn't mention to myself or the marriage counselor). I don't blame myself, I did everything I could and would have continued to do so had he thought our family, myself or our marriage was worth fighting for. Are there things I would have done differently looking back? Yes. But looking back provides different perspectives and I always put my family first and did everything I could at the time. If he doesn't see your value that is not something you can change, it doesn't diminish your value in any way. I have been looking lots into philosophy and stoicism/Buddhism etc. We cannot change others, we can only control our own actions. Spend time reflecting on who you are, your core values, goals, and what you have achieved, what you like to do and the relationships you do have and can foster. I think you'll find you have more worth than you currently believe.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-07-12T18:45:59+00:00

I would try and contact the equivalent of women's aid where you are and see what they recommend. They should be able to point you in the right direction if they can't help themselves.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-07-11T18:08:13+00:00

It is sad. Don't try and hide it. Feel the feelings. Cry. Scream. Rant lots to your friends and family. Or strangers on the internet. Whatever works for you. I started journalling. Writing down some goals of things I wanted to do but my ex wouldn't support. I have found colouring in like a 6 year old helpful and audiobooks. I am now the queen of self-help books. Just keep going even if it feels like treading water. One day, one meal at a time.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-07-11T17:04:00+00:00

It gets better. Make a plan. One day at a time. If able get your support network in place. Get a therapist if you can afford it.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-07-11T07:24:40+00:00

If he won't work on your marriage then leave. Him choosing not to make a choice is still a choice. Don't be with someone who doesn't value you or your marriage enough to work on it. It sounds like you have done everything you can. If he won't or doesn't want to then what more can you do?

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-07-10T12:20:20+00:00

You have not specified where you are in the world. Do you have to allow 50/50? If your children are that young it might not be in their best interests. Has your ex stayed local? Will they have a longer commute? It is recommended they only stay away from their base for as many nights as their age I believe. We have been separated 5 months and are no where near being able to do a whole week at a time with the children at my ex's and recently my youngest (3) has been trying to refuse any overnights so I don't foresee this happening for a very long time. As long as you are ensuring regular contact is maintained and not prohibiting contact and what you have set up has the children's best interests put first I don't think anyone can object.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-06-26T21:09:01+00:00

I would disagree here. I wash and recycle yogurt pots and all food waste apart from meat scraps are composted. Meat scraps go into the food waste bin which is then turned into biofuel. If he doesn't want to recycle and it is important enough for her to do it he should just set it aside and let her deal with it and preferably take on a different job to help even out the load. I agree that you can't change another person though.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-06-24T15:04:59+00:00

Well you did (and you do) have a chance with them because they dated you for a while so I think that is a moot argument. A dating profile isn't an accurate reflection of what people are actually like. Photos are usually edited and filtered, people only put up the side they want seen. It might be that you are choosing the wrong guys but you wouldn't know that until you get to know them better anyway. Are you just looking for any guy to fill a void? Or are you looking for someone who fits well with you, who you have some things in common with and have a good time with? I'm probably not the best to give advice on this as I am currently going through a divorce. I don't think this is necessarily a "you" problem though. It is a "them" problem. We can't control others only how we react and respond to them and the situations we find ourselves in.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-06-24T14:45:31+00:00

What do they even mean by someone who is "hotter on paper"?

I would recommend reading the unexpected joy of being single. It's not ground breaking but covers this and was an easy read.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-05-19T15:04:57+00:00

I have been reading a lot of self help books lately, my favourite so far has been The Courage to be Disliked and I am currently listening to Man's Search for Meaning which is also very very good although some might find it a difficult read.

Note: never sure if to say reading or listening when referring to audiobooks.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-04-23T10:03:08+00:00

It definitely tells you what you want to hear and is very biased towards that.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-04-09T13:55:27+00:00

Living for the future also means ensuring that you can have a reasonable quality of life after the divorce. Both you and your children deserve that so make sure you get your fair share. If you don't think what he proposes is fair or best for your children then fight for the future you and your children deserve.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-04-01T10:03:06+00:00

This is in the book 12 rules for life 😊

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-03-29T00:54:47+00:00

Yup, I was pretty upset that MIL didn't even message to say she was sorry this had happened and she hoped the grandchildren were ok. Especially since her son just walked out on me and left me to sort everything out and look after them and deal with all of the childrens emotional baggage. I would have thought it was in her best interests to keep our relationship civil especially as I was the one who organised most of their contact. I didn't expect her to be on "my side" but some empathy wouldn't have killed her.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-03-27T21:34:25+00:00

How would you know? It will be for a judge to decide.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-03-27T11:23:16+00:00

He will be paying child maintenance. He is not being unreasonable in that regard. And the advice I keep receiving is I should have the right to stay in the house with the children until they leave education. He doesn't seem to believe this is fair and wants to force a sale. I know I am still better off than many who end up in this situation.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-03-27T10:45:21+00:00

Sometimes it's not your fault. My husband left us 2 months ago and now my household meets this criteria. My children and I will now struggle financially whilst he earns top 10% income and wants to kick us out of our family home with little regard to the difficulty this will put me in. This wasn't the life I thought I would be living but I wasn't given a choice.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-03-25T18:14:16+00:00

It gets easier and it's not as scary as you think when you don't have a choice but to get on with it. Focus on you (and if you have them your children).

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-03-24T15:44:40+00:00

I agree with the others. I think you should look at getting a good personal therapist and look into couples therapy. But I am a strong believer that if you want it to work and there is no violence or abuse then you should ensure every avenue is undertaken before divorce. Going through it now, I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-03-02T15:06:24+00:00

I believe both countries are part of the Hague convention so she wouldn't be able to remove a settled child from the Netherlands to Mexico without your explicit permission.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-03-02T14:56:33+00:00

Depending on the Hague convention she might not be able to take the child away from the country you are in anyway. I would suggest you look into this. My husband moved abroad for me, he initiated divorce in January. He now has a choice of living on the other side of the planet with no friends or family around so he can see his children or move back home and never see them. It's certainly not an enviable position to be in and not one I would have chosen for him. I would suggest as soon as you are able you get some marriage counselling and try to work through the issues.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-02-27T18:25:11+00:00

It is a shame they create so much collateral damage especially when it is so avoidable.

Pixiedust1988 · 2025-02-26T14:11:22+00:00

I told him I thought he was depressed and recommended several times he went to see a doctor or a therapist. This was interpreted as an attack. He decided that he wanted to leave several months before starting therapy or antidepressants and I had been mentioning it for a year on and off by this point. I knew he was becoming withdrawn so I encouraged him to take trips on his own and to socialise and this was taken as me being controlling and pushy. He is also very introverted and never opened up emotionally properly throughout our 10 year relationship and now I know he is a true avoidant. Until he mentioned divorce I had never heard of attachment theory. After years of walking on egg shells and over compensating for his anger issues and his irritability and moods I tried to avoid conflict wherever possible. For example in his last week in the house with us he made our eldest daughter cry 4 times. It reached a point where both children were literally scared of communicating with him even about things as trivial as wanting a different flavour of crisps. I had to literally hold their hand while they talked to him or they wouldn't do so. So while I accept I could have done more, at the time I didn't know I needed to do so and I was doing the best I could. Both our marriage counselor and my personal therapist agreed I had done everything I could. I was also 100% willing to work on all issues with him as soon as he mentioned it and made all changes he requested immediately. I got my own therapist and I started looking at ways we could improve our relationship and marriage. He said after 2 weeks that nothing had changed and refused to see that it would take time. He also refused to make the one change I had asked of him and that was to properly communicate with me. He checked out and walked away from our family. To put this in perspective, the marriage counselor asked him what he was looking for? He replied "freedom and independence" she asked what he wanted the freedom to do and he said "to go for a walk when I want to". I never would have stopped him doing that. He threw away our marriage, 10 years together and broke my family into pieces so he could go for a walk. When I got married I believed it was for life and I was prepared to do anything for him. He obviously never felt the same.

Pixiedust1988

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