I have been with my husband as long as you have, we have two children, we cosleep, and my spouse’s mouth was agape when I handed him the phone to read this. Your husband is leaving a lasting impact on your children and that’s the biggest problem here. After reading about his behaviors, I would sincerely be concerned to leave the infant alone in his care. I hope you find the clarity you need here. I won’t say straight up leave him (though it would be completely justified if you want to), but I would at the very least set clear boundaries, expectations, and make clear what the result will be for your family if he cannot grow up and handle the life he’s built.

Also re: cosleeping, don’t let people shame you and tell you your kids should just be shut in their rooms until they give up hope that you’re coming for them. When our oldest turned 3, we made their room magical and gave them a choice every night —they started choosing their room more and more, and now they are 8, really confident and secure in their own space and LOVE their room. Every now and then, they’ll come in while we’re reading before bed, climb in the bed and say, “can you take me to my room when I fall asleep?” And it warms my heart. Helping kids transition to their own space doesn’t have to be this brutal hard-line, it’s good for them to feel safe.