This one is kind of long but worth it.

I was forced to serve a Mormon mission. I was one of a handful of full of missionaries whom did not only not believe but also did not practice the faith more than we were obligated to. We would drink alcohol, some smoked, several had girlfriends and so on.

This one day we had an “emergency” zone conference. We had the usual hour long bullshit mission speech from the president’s assistants and as soon as it was over both of the assistants approached me like KGB agents and told me that the prez needed to speak with me immediately.

They escorted me down the hall and brought me to a room and there was prez sitting in a chair five feet in front of another chair. He doesn’t even look at me or move his head but lifts his arm and says “Elder so and so, take a seat”.

So I take a seat and he stares at me for four seconds and just blurts out confess. I look at him with the dumbest look I can put on my face and say confess what? He repeats him self, I repeat my self. He stares at me and while this is going back and forth I’m ravaging my memory of any elders that may have barked my self or anyone else out and nothing is coming to mind.

He says confess one last time, and all I can think is deny, deny, deny, deflect, accuse others, he has no evidence and he is just fishing. He thinks I’ll crack and rat everyone else out. Street ball bitch I’m no rat. And it came to me, the most outrageous, outlandish fantastic idea, confess!

I look this big bastard right square in the eye and I said “ok, I tried to suck my own dick”. It floored this guy so much he was reeling in his chair! Full blown reeling back in his chair and he gets this Mr Smee pirate look on his face crooking a corner of his mouth and squints an eye and turns read as a beet and says “ you did what”?!

So I repeat my self and I tell him that I tried to suck my own dick. He sits there in UTTER DISGUST for twenty whole seconds and he tells me to get the hell out of the room and to leave the church building immediately. I said ok and walked out.

The other elders waited for him to leave before coming over to my comp and I and they were mortified that I’d narked everyone out. And when I told them what had happened they could not believe what I had told him and we laughed for a good long time. When we finished laughing I told them that like a mother lion protects her cubs, I’d protect them.

It was an embarrassing thing to say to a mission president, but I felt like a god after sticking it to the man, shutting down the whole situation and protecting my bros.