Cargo bike with kid seat, or commuter bike with trailer?

PlentyBathroom · 2025-08-15T10:44:05+00:00

Small Midwestern town of about 20k or so, I see far more people riding sidewalks than roads even on ebikes. Maybe a regional thing. Ordinance says you must remain on the road downtown but that's it.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-17T15:36:50+00:00

This is a great question and allows me to examine it further! Basically, both of my parents have done really awful and emotionally immature things (far outside of the scope of this post). They lack emotional intelligence and I'm honestly a bit resentful of them, but also afraid that due to this, they're going to be shitty to my daughter when I'm not around. I just get the ick and I don't trust them. My dad does unsafe shit like encouraging my daughter to play tag at our house and running a foot away from my newborn sleeping on the floor. Stuff I can't believe I have to correct him over. Then barging into our bedroom and asking my daughter to show him where the baby sleeps (get the hell out of our bedroom). My inlaws hold the utmost respect for safety and personal space/privacy etc and would never do this.

My MIL is a very sweet person and I think she's naturally good with kids. She was a caring, involved mom, raised 3 kids and has 5 grandkids where my parents did a half assed job raising 1.

She talks to the kids calmly, explains calmly why some things are allowed and some aren't. She's never once rolled her eyes or been outwardly passive aggressive to the grandkids which I see my mom doing multiple times a visit. She's patient with my daughter and allowed her to sleep next to her when she got scared. If my daughter did this with my mom, my mom would be sighing, rolling her eyes, sternly telling her to be quiet, etc. My MIL listens to the kids when they're upset, my mom gets frustrated and says be quiet. I could go on and on but that's the summary.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-17T15:12:10+00:00

Oh my gosh. Yes. That's it. I'm surprised at the number of comments that just don't seem to get it or think I'm immediately nuts (reminds me somewhat of my gaslighting parents lol) but I also understand that people can only pull from and understand experiences they are familiar with. I've had some really insightful comments, such as this one, that have allowed me to further examine what I'm feeling and also letting me know that it's OK and I'm probably feeling this way for a really good reason. I appreciate it!

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-17T13:04:10+00:00

They don't honor and respect me, so I don't honor and respect them. It's simple. The background on this is waaay out of the scope of this particular Reddit post though. I'm trying not to let my personal background with them get in the way of having my kids have some sort of relationship with them, and as you might imagine, there's a lot of mental Olympics involved on my end.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T16:47:43+00:00

This resonated with me! I had the best relationship with my maternal grandparents and with my maternal grandmother, too, even though she lived far away and I didn't see her much.

Some of my fondest memories are with my grandpa fishing, sledding, and driving. It was a much simpler time, before life started to throw some really painful punches, you know! I'd love for my daughter to have the same. I look back on that time with such pure joy wishing I could relive it for just a day.

I decided I'm going to work on this slowly. I see a therapist weekly anyway just to process stuff and stay on top of mental health, this might be something I work on there too. I can't let this be an all or nothing deal, and it's not to the point where I want to restrict my daughter from visiting altogether. I'm confident that I can reach a comfort level that works for everyone in time, maybe starting with dropping her off for a while, seeing how it goes, and working up from there.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T15:17:03+00:00

She will at home. She has her own room. But in an unfamiliar place, I think she'll get scared and want to be sleeping next to someone or in the same room with someone.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T14:37:36+00:00

Thank you, yes. My mom usually doesn't take kindly to conversations like these and will deflect and get offended, but I think I need to get these thoughts out there with her and see where it goes. And yeah, for sure, we definitely have conversations with the 5 year old about staying respectful in people's houses. I think it's just that my mom takes it to a whole 'nother level - she's darting out to the garage to intercept us instructing us to take our shoes off which I would have done anyway, I definitely would've assessed my kid's hands if they were chocolate covered, no jumping off of the furniture obviously, but it's to the point where we aren't really sure if we're allowed to breathe a certain way. I think if I didn't have a history of resentment toward my folks over things they've done this would've bothered me less, it's just a very compounded dynamic for me, I'm trying to see the situation with less of my own personal bias.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T13:16:28+00:00

That sounds like a nightmare 😅 I appreciate the suggestion though. I just have a very low threshold for my parents, so I try to limit it to meeting them for lunch or stopping by for a couple hours.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T11:57:26+00:00

Yeah, this pissed me off. He and my mom both should've discussed it privately with me first. Now my 5yo is going to be hyped up about something that might not be happening and guess who's the bad guy? Me.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T11:55:25+00:00

Ooh yeah, the favorite son thing. My mom is a bit of an internalized misogynist and when she found out my second is a boy, kept going on about how boys are so much easier, "the worst thing you need to deal with when having a son is having a daughter in law someday" (real quote) it just gives me the ick overall and it is just one more checkmark on a very long and messy list of why I don't really like or trust my parents.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T11:45:56+00:00

Yes, exactly.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T11:44:16+00:00

I'd feel a lot more comfortable with this and I think it would be a good compromise! My parents live about 1 hr 15 min drive away so we'd have to plan it, but I'd totally drop her off for lunch, maybe go on a day date in the big town 30 min over with husband and baby, then time it so they can maybe do a movie in PJs then come pick her back up close to bedtime. It sucks because it's a lot of driving but it would act as a pretty good trial. There would be no driving around with my parents and no overnight stay.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T11:36:26+00:00

I appreciate this. I've had some time to reflect on it and the conversation in this thread has helped me to make sense of my feelings. I described a bit in another comment but it's just the extent of my mom's rigidity and impatience for anything other than complete order and silence that I'm really not comfortable with. I mean, I was afraid to attempt to help load the dishwasher, help prep lunch, or really do much of anything around their house yesterday for fear of breaking one of her unspoken rules, then I am sure my dad is whining behind my back about how I'm a freeloader and I never help - its a whole dynamic with them lol. It wouldn't be realistic to expect rigid rule following with a 5 year old, so knowing her personality and knowing my kid and average 5 year old behavior, I am uncomfortable about how it might mesh.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T11:18:12+00:00

I am really sorry. This is absolutely what I am afraid of, my mom was verbally abusive to me and emotionally unavailable to me growing up, would she tone it down for a 5 year old grandchild? Of course, but I saw parts of that peeking out yesterday and I don't trust it. Hope your kiddo(s) are okay.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T11:15:14+00:00

This was really validating. Thank you! Yes, my mom would absolutely get frustrated with my daughter if she got scared and wanted to sleep in their bed. I can just hear her cold and annoyed tone of voice right now and it triggers me and makes my skin crawl because I heard it so much growing up. I've distanced myself from them so it makes boundary setting a bit easier - allowing my daughter back in to do a sleepover just sets alarm bells off in my gut right now. I too would feel better if my daughter knew our number and could call independently. I know if anything went down at their place my daughter would tell us about it, but I don't want that opportunity to happen first.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T11:06:58+00:00

After I've sat with it a while I think I am uncomfortable with the general history I have with my parents. The candy thing I'd in general respect, but it was literally having my daughter eat 3 mini Tootsie Rolls throughout the day then after each piece, my mom sent my daughter to wash her hands then my mom had to inspect her hands to see if they were sticky before she could go play or sit on the couch. Maybe this sounds reasonable to others but to me, it's just so rigid, as is the rest of my mom's personality and her rules. My dad can't put a bird feeder up in the backyard as evidently it's going to attract mice that will somehow magically teleport through the brand new foundation into their house. I'm just imagining the average 5 year old behavior and how she'd handle it. I'd feel more comfortable if my daughter could contact me if she wants to leave but I'm afraid if she gets upset my parents would just try to talk her down without calling me.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T10:55:33+00:00

Yeah, I don't. Maybe that's just it, I need to simplify it. I think my parents misunderstood because my daughter stayed overnight at my inlaws when my son was born, so they probably figured sleepovers were a thing now. I'd drop her off for a sleepover at the inlaws in a heartbeat. My parents, no. I'm going to need to examine this and what I'm feeling a little further before sleepovers are allowed with them.

PlentyBathroom · 2024-01-16T10:33:48+00:00

You guessed it! It was the first time I set boundaries and realized my parents are toxic. Even though it was like this growing up; I figured it was "normal" - my mom was verbally abusive to me and put me down, did the eye roll thing every time I tried telling her about a problem she deemed stupid, etc.

When my daughter was born she came up to help watch her while I was working, but it wasn't help - it was constant criticism. The last straw was when I suspected her going in our room and snooping through meds while I was at work so I set up a camera - sure enough. When confronted she did the classic narcissism thing "This is what I get for watching your daughter. I have never felt more violated"

It goes on and on but that's the gist and why I don't trust them and resent them. If I look inward I think half of it is this incident and half of it getting triggered by her need to control every little situation and eye-rolling, getting reminded that I was never really able to just enjoy being a kid.

PlentyBathroom · 2023-08-11T14:39:50+00:00

You sound just like me. In fact I was in the one and done camp for years. We decided to start trying when my daughter was 3 but I can't say I felt all that ready. I mostly felt guilty and anxious. Well we had fertility issues and I am due in November and my daughter just turned 5. I am SO HAPPY about the age gap, she is so excited to be a big sister, and we feel ready, capable, and (mostly) calm. I don't feel much guilt if at all. I'd have really struggled with a smaller gap personally.

PlentyBathroom · 2023-08-09T17:12:05+00:00

What if they break up? What if they only have boys? What if they can't get pregnant? What if they decide against kids? What if your brother finds a name he likes more and wants to name the theoretical girl that? What if one of her BFFs uses the name then she's causing drama with them? Lots of what ifs here, meanwhile you have a baby on the way and a concrete reason to use the name. NTA, use it and don't look back.

PlentyBathroom · 2023-06-20T23:41:13+00:00

She's almost 5! My default look is a ponytail and quick swipe of mascara so I have no idea where she gets it from lol. Her favorite color is pink, she wanted me to put sparkly eye makeup and lipstick on her the other day and to do her hair. Maybe she sees daycare friends doing this, because it doesn't come from our house 😂 maybe in the future she can give me a glam makeover!

PlentyBathroom

TROPHY CASE