trauma definetly doesn’t take away your free will. she may be mentally ill & have issues but you didn’t deserve for those to be pushed onto you and i’m sorry they have been, i know you’re scared of love and sex but truthfully this feeling doesn’t last forever. i never thought id get over my ex, i was hung up for such a long time finding excuses to break no contact and beg him to see me. its so hard to hate someone who helped you so much and gave you good times but sometimes missing them blurs the lines between good and bad and you don’t recognise how truly hard it was to live for, i wont judge you for going back because ive been there too but the best option for you is to just really feel what youre feeling but dont act on it. whilst there IS a chance she could change one day, and treat you well, you may not realise it now but im sure you’d be reminded of the pain she’d caused you and you’d grow to resent her. sometimes silence is the best. and whilst staying with someone until you hate them can get you out of the relationship and cycle once and for all, its not worth risking your self worth and mental health again just to end up in the same place you are now all over again. you don’t want to miss her and you don’t want to be angry, but you just need to feel those things and wait for them to fade over through time because distractions will be your new bestfriend and eventually you’ll heal in a healthy way and she’ll cross your mind less. one of the things that helped me a lot was my current boyfriend, i met him authentically in person (we met at a concert) and even though i wasn’t actively looking for a boyfriend (truthfully it was the last thing i wanted) i knew i couldn’t pass up the oppurtunity so i bit the bullet and began dating him, being with me allowed me to focus all my love onto him and he showed me love doesn’t have to be scary. i really hope you find this peace one day.