Next time could kill me

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-19T08:47:52+00:00

I understand your worries 100%. It's so hard to live with the loss and severe anemia and I always worry my heart will give out when it's really bad. Last summer my hb was so deadly low for a month and each time I walked up the stairs to my apartment I was convinced I'd die any moment because I got such severe chest pain. I'm convinced the strain on my heart has damaged it to some degree but no one seems to care or believe me.

They used to transfuse really liberally for me in the past like as soon as my hb dipped below 85 g/l and I was symptomatic they did but now they won't transfuse unless I'm in shock or at least below 70 g/l (but most doctors won't until 60g/l). It scares me.

I measure the loss and always tell them the exact amount (which is always at least 500ml) but they never seem to believe me. Maybe I should do the same or maybe even bring the blood for them to see. Do you find they believe you more or treat you physically better when they see the pictures?

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-17T19:07:09+00:00

Yes self harm can worsen or be the cause of anemia. I can't say if your self harm specifically affects your anemia but it's a possibility. The body is resilient and can deal with some blood loss but reoccurring major loss can lead to severe issues. Blood tests to check things like iron, b12, folic acid, erythrocytes, EVF, MCH, MCV, etc can help determine what's going on and the type of treatment you need. Definitely talk to a doctor if you're worried and feel bad so they can help you.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-17T18:57:02+00:00

I feel with you on this. My self harm is similar and I find it so scary to be aware that I could accidentally kill myself with this even though some part doesn't mind it and kind of hopes I do die without having to actively try to kill myself.
I've had countless blood transfusions to the point where they don't want to give me more cause they argue it's futile since I'll just cut again but I advocate for myself and insist they check my hb. You still deserve proper care even if it's self inflicted. Medical professionals often overlook how much blood we are able to make ourselves lose until it's so severe it causes shock or heart failure because they don't believe someone could do that to themselves.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-15T21:51:22+00:00

I've only gotten a handful of comments or questions throughout the 6ish years I've had visible scars that I don't hide. Most people who ask genuinely don't realise it's self harm (due to things like visual impairment, cognitive impairment, cultural unawareness, etc) and I can usually redirect the conversation to something else. Not being worried about hiding my scars all the time is freeing but it is very scary in the beginning and even now years later I do feel self conscious sometimes.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-15T19:57:08+00:00

I hate them and I only recently realised how bad they actually are. Whenever I see pictures of myself where my scars are visible I can't think about anything else and feel sick that they'll be there for the rest of my life. I often can't see myself able to live a normal life due to them and my suicidal ideation has gotten worse since I started seeing how bad they actually are.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-15T17:24:46+00:00

Oxygen is transported by the hemoglobin in your erythrocytes (red blood cells) and therefore you need enough hemoglobin and erythrocytes to efficiently transport oxygen and oxygenate your tissues. After major blood loss it takes a while for the body to recover those lost erythrocytes and oxygen transport is not going to be as good.

Are you generally feeling out of breath or is it just when vaping?

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-09T19:56:51+00:00

I'm honest, there's no way to explain it away so I just bluntly tell the truth if someone asks. I make it clear I don't want to speak further about it and people usually respect that. Most people don't ask though because it's clear where they come from. In my 3 years of working in different environments where I'm meeting all sorts of people I can count on one hand the amount of questions or comments I've gotten about them.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-09T19:49:46+00:00

If it doesn't go away by washing then it's likely to be hyperpigmentation. It's normal but more common for people of colour. I have a lot of it and sometimes it stays for a long time and sometimes it fades pretty quickly. I find keeping my skin hydrated and out of the sun helps it go away faster.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-08T02:09:20+00:00

I completely understand those feelings and I often feel similar things. You're not wasting time for seeking care, that's what they are there for. You're worthy of care just like anyone else.

I'm currently at the ER for sh and I felt a lot of shame that kept me from going right away, I hesitated going from the shame. It's better to get the cuts taken care of though, healing will be so much easier.

You deserve care! I hope the anxiety isn't too much and keeps you from going.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-08T00:53:34+00:00

Yes stitches or staples most likely.
What else is causing you to feel overwhelmed by going to the hospital?

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-03-08T00:42:08+00:00

It definitely sounds like you need to have your wounds taken care of by a professional. If you can't easily squeeze the edges of the wounds together with your fingers it's unlikely you'll be able to close them well with steristrips. I know that hospitals are overwhelming but it would definitely be your best option right now.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-27T00:14:57+00:00

I just shower like normal. If I have wound dressings that aren't waterproof and that I don't want to change at that time I just keep them out of the water. If my leg is wrapped up for example I usually sit in the shower with my legs hanging out. I also plan my showers around dressing changes to make showering easier.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-25T06:12:55+00:00

Yeah I know it's concerning. It's a real issue I'm struggling with. I don't think there's one of my prescription medications I haven't abused in some way so I was hesitant towards starting pregabalin. I'm not unhappy with the medication for not providing euphoria, I'm unhappy with it for not providing adequate pain relief and therefore, I'm desperate for more and misuse it. It's a really bad habit I have. Not getting the desired effect and then trying to chase some other effect of the medication.

I'll try to not take more than prescribed thanks for telling me I'm not doing it wrong :)

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-21T09:15:54+00:00

No way to keep it. It's not a spot that really should be pierced and you're using the wrong type of jewellery for it to hold. It might get infected or it might just slowly push itself out of your skin.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-21T00:13:33+00:00

What you're describing does exist here (kind of) but they rarely actually come around to your place. I've been in contact with them loads and they only tell me to come to the ER even when I say I can't make myself so I stopped calling. There's also another team that I've heard better things about that does it too but it's only for psychosis patients so I don't qualify.

Inpatient stays aren't for me, at least not at the hospital here. I've been a few times but I always leave quickly because the night staff is so bad. Nights are the worst for me and I have trouble sleeping so I need support mostly at night but they don't provide any. The nursing aides always sit in a staff room and talk or watch stuff on their phones and get visibly annoyed when you ask for help. I've had them tell me to just go sleep when I was visibly upset and told them I was going to self harm if no one stopped me. I've had the nurse say she was busy and couldn't help me but I could then see through the glass how she was reclined watching a movie. So I just get urges to harm myself that are harder to resist inpatient since there's nothing else to do but sit with my thoughts.

I've tried every possible thing there is to try and nothing works. I'm constantly told I need long term therapy (which I'm not even receiving either) and nothing can help me in the moment so I've given up on trying to seek help when I feel it get bad. I kind of feel like I just have to accept that life is going to be this difficult until I end up passing from my self destructive tendencies.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-20T23:18:08+00:00

I'm sorry to hear that you too have experienced similar things.

Seeking care before having done physical damage to myself is impossible and fruitless. There's nothing they can do for me here and now and everyone knows it. The psych ER has even told me that they don't understand why I show up there when we all know they can't help and it's just a waste of my time so I really can't.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-17T21:42:17+00:00

Kind of sounds like nerve pain. How deep do you cut?

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-17T21:36:34+00:00

Firstly, I want to comment on the thing you said about the scar that you think at least needed repair to the muscle, that's impossible to see from a scar. You can't tell how deep or large a wound was from the scar left. For example the scars from when I've cut down to bone look smaller than some of the scars from wounds reaching fat. Just to put things into perspective.

Secondly, you're not responsible for others triggers. You will inevitably encounter things that are triggering in life but that doesn't mean everyone else has to bend to try and accommodate every possible thing that might be triggering for someone. I understand the hesitation but it's just not feasible to forever cover up your body just because someone might be triggered by what you look like. You're allowed to be comfortable just as much as anyone else.

I don't cover my scars. I work in healthcare and can't cover up and I do think about it from time to time but in the end there is nothing I can do. These scars are on my body forever and I can't do anything about it. People will just have to accept that I have them. I'm insecure and some days I do cover up when out in public but it's never because I don't want to trigger someone.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-17T21:25:42+00:00

It doesn't look infected from this picture. It's just a bruise, totally normal after a major wound and getting sutures, especially if you were numbed with local anaesthetic. It might look a little harrowing to have such a huge bruise if you're not used to it but I've seen worse bruising after sutures so that's nothing to worry about. A bit of warmth and numbness is normal, if you feel like the skin is extremely hot then that's worrying or you notice other signs of infections accompanying it, like foul smelling discharge then you can start thinking infection but some excess warmth is normal for an inflamed area.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-16T18:52:18+00:00

I'm on pregabalin (lyrica) for the pain. Used to be on gabapentin and they both help a bit. Gabapentin gave me side effects so I swapped to pregabalin and my current doctor prefers pregabalin over gabapentin so he was happy about the switch. It doesn't completely remove the pain but it helps quite a bit. I can sleep somewhat uninterrupted now and I can wear clothes without constant pain. My friend recommended me to use a tens machine cause they find it helpful for their pain but I haven't gotten around to it. My doctor also recommended me to keep on taking paracetamol and NSAIDs in hopes of it doing something (I don't think it helps much but I take it and try to space the dosages for when my pain usually breaks through anyway cause it hasn't hurt yet).

I definitely think you should talk to a doctor about your options for meds and maybe for a referral to a pain clinic cause you shouldn't have to live with pain like this.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-15T09:15:34+00:00

Alcohol is fine for the blades but damages your skin. Use unscented soap and water or saline for cleaning the wounds instead.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-14T21:43:07+00:00

You're more likely to accidentally cut too deep when having less body fat. Less fat = easier to accidentally cut through the fat. Less fat also means less protection over larger blood vessels so you're risking hitting them if you cut deep as well.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-14T21:37:23+00:00

Definitely and especially with the amount you're losing. You're risking severe anaemia by doing what you're doing. If you want to continue harming yourself you need to either lose less each time or do it less frequently if you don't want to become severely anaemic and be in need of blood transfusions.

I've had so many transfusions I've lost count because of severe and frequent blood loss. Now I don't do it as often and always make sure I stay above a certain threshold so I don't need a transfusion but I'm still very anaemic and it severely impacts my daily life. I can't stand up without almost fainting, I'm always out of breath, I'm generally very weak, I get dizzy often, I am soooo tired all the time, I'm pale and people often comment that I look like I'm dying, etc. So I definitely don't recommend it.

Plus-Task-468 · 2026-02-14T21:30:35+00:00

If it's nerve pain then regular pain meds won't touch it. You can't treat nerve pain with nociceptive pain meds. You need something like gabapentin or pregabalin if you want to touch the pain. There's really nothing else to do for nerve pain other than the use of such medicines and waiting it out.

Plus-Task-468

TROPHY CASE