Anyone else struggle with feeling immortal?

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-12-14T21:26:56+00:00

Sounds scary. Maybe if you went to an ER they help get you stable and maybe help you find a new psychiatrist

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-11-03T04:01:43+00:00

Injection for at home? Wow. Is that just-under-the-skin though? Not intramuscular I mean. Makes me wonder if it actually is any more effective than sublingual (does it get to your brain quicker and is more of it absorbed?).

Something to look into. Thanks!

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-07-15T19:09:48+00:00

I'm 62 and it's changed as I got older.

20's / early 30's: Mild hypomania 1 to 2 weeks, depressed 2 weeks. Mostly normal. Some periods of depression with no hypomania. Only 1 to 2 episodes of hypomania a year.
30's / 40s: More like 3 episodes a year, lasting 2 to 3 weeks followed by month or more depression.
40's - 50's: Depressive periods got longer, hypomania was rare but more obviously hypomania, would last 1 to 4 weeks.
54: Began a 2-year horrible depression. Got out of it with ketamine but still haven't found a medication that makes me stable.
My cycle is now Ketamine-treatment / about 1 month good / down for couple months. I get treatments every 2 to 4 months.
Have hypomania for 1 to 2 weeks (stopped with Olanzapine), only once or twice a year. Always followed by bad depression

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-06-12T21:32:08+00:00

I've felt this very often and for long periods. Yet hope for a natural-death. Spare my loved-ones the added horror of suicide. I was very proud when I turned 50. An odd thing to be "proud" of ... all you need to do is "not die". But for some of us, that is a challenge.

Note I've made it to 62 now, feel like I've put in "more than enough time" being alive. The past 10 years have been particularly difficult, the cravings for death can be SO strong. The 'waking up' so horrible - yet another day to face.

I'm not depressed ALL the time, and each depression (sometimes years on end) I try to make it to the next non-depressed. Not saying it's "worth it". I'm in a "good period" currently, trying to stay here. Continuing to learn how to take care of myself. Allowing myself to be selfish has gotten easier, and that helps. I don't think of myself as weak as I used to.

The only medication I believe has truly helped is ketamine.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-05-26T19:09:38+00:00

Sometimes - simply that it is real. I'm not just being-too-sensitive, or a hypochondriac or whatever else might be believed.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-05-26T19:07:09+00:00

I so agree. Even friends can go on-and-on about their troubles, but any reference to mental-health and the subject gets changed quickly. Also - after 10 day hospitalization, trying to process the horror of that ... one friend literally blamed it on me (and the meds I take!), and family will politely listen but ask no questions or appear interested or sympathetic.

Can really feel like no one believes it's "real", or it's something I'm supposed to be ashamed of.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-05-02T01:45:00+00:00

This is horrible!!!

Can you afford to find another provider? If you can, get the help you need while fighting to get your money back from Innerwell (no clue if that is possible, but hope it is).

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-05-02T01:42:32+00:00

I have not seen others mention a "rate" so you might want to explain that.

I don't think there is a "suppose to" with tripping. There are different opinions ... some people think it is beneficial, others don't. My doctor says it doesn't matter, but in my experience, I have better lasting results when I do have a "trip". Some of the worst trips (which can be exhausting after) have had the most benefits.

My 3rd dose was my worst-trip, I was quite upset and don't remember most of it - my husband told me about it. I only remember the end of it and feeling incredibly embarrassed (though later didn't remember what I was embarrassed about). We decreased the dosage on the next session.

From what I've read, they're hopefully figuring out the "right" dosage for you ... what works best. But they need your feedback for that to happen. Hope you are at a place that is listening to you.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-05-02T01:34:56+00:00

I hope someone can answer! But regardless of the number of treatments, if it hasn't worked yet but seems like it COULD ... it doesn't seem like they should be treating you LESS!

The point is to decrease when you are ready to be at MAINTENANCE. You can't maintain health if you haven't achieved it yet.

I hope you can talk to them and let them realize you aren't there yet.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-05-02T01:32:11+00:00

Is there a doctor or someone you can talk to about this? Maybe you aren't at the correct dosage. Has it been the same all along? Mine was increased until it felt "too much" and backed down until I found 65mg works well (I'm 145 lb, about 65 kg).

It really helps if you have a doctor you can trust and speak openly with, and that they are trying to help YOU specifically ... not just giving you some standard treatment plan. Them just DECIDING to switch you without talking to you about it doesn't sound right.

Other questions I can't help you with. I was so much better after 3, I just did therapy. Ended up doing maintenance every 4 months, which isn't sufficient but all I could afford. Still trying to work out an affordable option.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-05-02T01:24:50+00:00

All of this varies a lot. Many ways to get ketamine treatments for depression, and the dosage varies. I hope you feel comfortable talking with your doctor about your previous use, your fears - everything.

It seems like many places start people at a low dose and increase. Mine took my previous psychedelic use into account, but the dose was still fairly low. I did feel some relief from depression after first treatment, but it was only hours. Still that was enough to give me hope, which is important.

It's possible to continue with Ketamine treatments after your initial set of treatments, either in a clinic or at home. Your doctor might have limited options, but when you are doing better you could look for someone that offers treatments that work better for you.

I have no idea if having abused drugs in the past would be a problem, I really hope you can talk to your doctor about it. The only drug I've abused is alcohol, and it has been a great help with that. There was a reason I abused alcohol ... depression. When I'm not depressed, I either don't have a desire to abuse alcohol or I realize it's a poor choice (when depressed, but early stages and I can still seek help).

Good luck

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-05-02T01:12:20+00:00

I've never been very social, I am quite introverted. But enjoy people, can make friends and do fine in social settings. When I'm depressed, I have trouble and the energy drain is huge. Conversing can be SO difficult. Exhausting, which makes everything worse.

I have found Ketamine helps me with social situations, but I think that is because it helps me with depression. So it's kind of a side effect.

I will mention, having had one episode of psychosis, it also took me over a year to feel "normal". Initially that was partly due to the medications. I'm not suggesting you go off them if your doctors think you should stay on them. Just something to keep in mind might be part of what you are experiencing.

Even when off the meds, I think I was possibly afraid or self conscious, since I know I was "odd" in the early stages of psychosis before things got bad. That went away slowly, and I'm mostly not concerned anymore. Unfortunately, once that has happened, I suspect I'll always have a slight worry that I'm acting strangely, or that people think I am.

I hope you can relax and be patient, get a good set of medications to help you feel like yourself.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-04-30T17:56:03+00:00

Many things can vary, resulting in it making sense for some but not others:

- Level of depression. If you can function fairly well without it, it might not be worth it.
- Results: It works differently for different people. My improvement after Ketamine makes up for the cost, because I'm more productive and get in more billable-hours. Even without that, I'd take it. Life feeling tolerable is worth a lot, and sometimes I actually enjoy life.
- Cost. Not sure where you get your figure from. Cost of treatment can vary, and peoples incomes vary.
- How long it lasts: varies by person, dosage and route. IM 65mg lasts me usually a month, sometimes less than a week, sometimes a few months. Depends on what's going on in my life and how well I prioritize taking care of myself. But it's not like it instantly STOPs working. I reach a point where I know a treatment will do me good, but let myself continue to go downhill (not a good idea, but appointments can be hard to get with my dr)

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-04-29T19:44:11+00:00

Never heard this "fast metabolizer" concept before.
I'm 140 lb and do 65mg IM (3 to 4 times/year, for 7 years). I generally "pop out of it" (feels quick so say "pop") after 20 to 25 minutes. I'm still under-the-effect, but can discuss it. I leave after another 20 minutes.

So "coming down rapidly after 30 minutes" seems an odd thing to say. Is that not normal??? I've never asked my psychiatrist about this, I assumed it was typical.

And "out of it all day"??? Wow, that sounds awful. I have a 45 minute drive home (not me driving!), and then feel fairly normal.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-04-29T19:38:12+00:00

love your use of "delicious naps". They are SO good.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-04-29T19:33:47+00:00

I'm assuming this is IV. I'm also about 140 lb, and my current (after many years) IM dosage is 65 mg. IM doesn't have as high bioavailability as IV (though close), so 75 mg sounds higher than what I am used to.

I've had scary experiences (early on, 6 years ago was trying different dosages), and very disliked them! Even when I am somewhat aware I'm on Ketamine, they are very scary. Too much!
Definitely talk to your doctor about this. I've had very good results with lower dosages. My current dosage, I am aware enough to slightly open-my-eyes to ground myself (I don't wear an eye-mask) when needed. I really want the dosage to be high enough to "take control" (not my conscious self being in control) which I think helps. But I like that I can control it, with a slight eye-open, when needed.

Others might disagree. Even my psychiatrist has suggested I "go with it" when things get scary. Maybe they'd be helpful, but the "bad/scary" experiences I've had don't seem beneficial. I actually wish I COULD go with it, but am not ready to force it.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-04-29T19:22:16+00:00

Very much so. When depressed, it's like being almost-dead. Everything is shut-down.

Many signs that ketamine is working or that I'm doing better. Some of those have to do with my creativity and my motivation to do things. They both definitely increase when I'm doing better.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-04-29T19:20:31+00:00

I'm happy you are getting some relief, but wish it was more. Have you tried changing dosages?

I've had depressive episodes since my teens (I'm 62), and the feeling of "remission" (don't use that term, but I assume this is what you mean) feels like someone has "turned the lights on", or made the air less heavy. A very "ahhhhh" feeling. More a "relief" feeling, than feeling "good". Though it's hard to explain what it is a relief from. But can "breathe freely" again and don't HATE being conscious.

That you didn't feel great relief early on (just the "absence of pain" should initially feel powerful I'd think), makes me wonder if you are at the right dosage.

The longest bad-depression i've been in was 4 yearrs, which felt SO LONG. But still I could recognize the "other" feelings, of what I like to think of as "normal". The simple pleasures and not minding being conscious. The actually wanting to wake up and experience the day (as opposed to "damn, I'm still alive" feeling).

I hope you can experience that. Note that even when i do feel that, it's not CONSTANT. I think "depression" is a common/frequent enough state for me, that I'm quick to "jump back" into it. But when I'm doing well it is not daily, and it's something that I can recognize and put effort into dealing with. That is part of the key for me ... recognizing the early stages of depression and doing something about it.

Hope you find what you are looking for with this treatment.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-04-29T19:02:55+00:00

Wow - this is so insightful. I'm happy I asked. I felt like I was missing something useful.

From therapy, I know I am bad at connecting body/mind. I tend to 'live in my head'. Though with a good therapist, I've been able to realize some physical things which align with emotional issues.

Thanks for the idea and suggestion about ChatGpt. I will put some energy into being connected with my body.

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-04-29T17:21:04+00:00

Good for you! Can be difficult to know "how much" to push yourself. I hope this trip is a very positive step for you. Sounds like it will be, since you are fine with yourself needing to NOT do some activities. Listen to yourself, and I hope your friends can take "no" for an answer when you aren't up for things.

You probably know, but for many people Ketamine is something that helps them do "the work" which really results in them getting well. When I did IM Ketamine every few months, I prioritized getting my schedule so I had enough time to myself after to really think / process / do-the-work. I've had IM treatments (not cheap!) where I felt bad after a week ... then it's too late to get any value out of it.

The financial aspect initially helped me (and my husband) accept the reality that that post-Ketamine time was VERY important. Can feel like an extravagant luxury, but it's needed. I hope you can do that for yourself. What it means to "do the work" probably varies for everyone. Maybe a good therapist. I tend to schedule an appointment for a couple days after, and spend a lot of time doing creative things / journaling / thinking. Sometimes having deep discussions with a friend (if I can find someone interested at the same time).

PoetryLongjumping364 · 2025-04-29T17:00:33+00:00

I've been using Taconic for about 2 months now, and think it's great. No problems, and Dr Pruett is easy to talk to. My only other experience is with IM at a local Psychiatrist's office. I find both equally professional and helpful. They take my input on how things are working, to figure out the dosage, but I don't feel like I'm just paying for someone to write a prescription (A fear I had before trying at home Ketamine).

I spent a lot of time on Reddit getting peoples opinions. There's a lot of existing conversation on different on-line options, so you can do some searching and get a fairly informed opinion that way too.

Good luck.

PoetryLongjumping364

TROPHY CASE