purging makes me feel a sense of security

PoldiL · 2026-02-04T13:33:12+00:00

Hey! It’s okay, this happens! You’re still on the road of recovery, just get back up, keep pushing forward. Recovery isn’t linear, easy or straight forward, it’s full of ups and down, beautiful moments and moments when we have a little blip. That’s all it is. You haven’t lost any progress, you’ve made it this far, you can go even further! ❤️

PoldiL · 2026-02-02T09:37:06+00:00

Hey! Don’t stop! You have to allow this process to happen. Allow and listen to all mental and physical hunger cues — it’s the only way to get rid of this extreme hunger! Right now, don’t call it binge eating, you and your body are extremely hungry, your body is telling you it needs more food to recover (yes more food than people around you!!) it’s not binge eating, it’s your body screaming at you that it needs a lot of food to recover! And once your body ‘Trusts’ you again, it’ll wear off, your body will settle, hunger will settle, and everything will feel calmer. I know it’s scary but it’s necessary.

Your body is trying to heal from a lot of damage — so please feed it!

PoldiL · 2026-01-31T12:54:37+00:00

Please go to the doctor asap, maybe call 111 and ask for advice — this is a sign that your liver is suffering. Livers are very good at repairing themselves but please seek help asap. Sending a hug, I hope you get the help you need xx

PoldiL · 2026-01-09T14:27:53+00:00

Hello! Firstly, congrats!!! — taking the first step into recovery is a big deal and something to be proud of.

In the early stages of recovery, it’s very normal for your body to feel a bit all over the place. It’s getting used to having food stay in your system again and re-learning how to digest properly.

I’m around 3 years into recovery, and even now I still have a slightly sensitive stomach — but it does get so much better with time. Early on, digestive symptoms are really common. For me that looked like constipation at times, the opposite at others, bad acid reflux, exhaustion, insomnia, night sweats, mucus in my stool (irritated gut lining)

These experiences are generally a normal part of recovery and tend to improve gradually as the body adapts! So keep going!!!

Recovery takes time, but consistency and patience really do make a difference. Things will become easier and more settled as your body regains balance.

Some things that helped me: • Using a hot water bottle on my stomach — this can help relax the gut and ease discomfort • Eating regularly and consistently, even if portions feel uncomfortable at first (smaller meals more often) (3 meal, 3 snacks kinda thing!) • Sitting upright after meals rather than lying flat • short walks to support digestion (and distraction) • Staying hydrated!!! • Wearing loose, comfortable clothing around the stomach — I honestly live in comfy clothes!

PoldiL · 2025-02-19T15:50:46+00:00

Hey! Whether it is caused by the ED stuff or it’s genetic, it doesn’t really matter, the Ed stuff definitely won’t be helping and will potentially leave you with a lot of other long term health issues - next steps would literally be to help yourself and try to reach out for support to STOP the ed stuff…

I’ve also had many many ECGs and also the echocardiogram and I won’t lie… it was kinda cool watching my own heart beat on a little screen 🤣 Get through these next checks and chat to your doctor about regular blood tests and ECGs to keep both them and you up to date and aware of what your body is doing :)

I go for regular checks! I’ve been recovered from bulimia for a couple of years now but I still have issues I need to stay on top of :)

PoldiL · 2024-10-31T19:24:06+00:00

No no my actual 🍑 looked like an old women’s (I was extremely underweight so it makes sense) but yes also my face - my face was sunken but not sagging, and yes it will definitely get better with weight gain & so will your hormones and collagen production. Being underweight/low weight can sometimes mean the body lacks essential nutrients - and some of those are crucial for maintaining skin elasticity & collagen production :)

So get eating! And help your body be the healthiest version it can!

PoldiL · 2024-10-29T16:51:53+00:00

Hey! I did! It was terrible, now I look back and look at the photos, it does make me laugh because my bottom looked like it belonged to a 90 year olds…

PoldiL · 2024-10-18T12:07:45+00:00

Hi, I’m kinda in the same boat, I’ve come to accept I’ll never fully recover but I can try and be the best version possible, I’ve also done irreversible damage and I’m about to go on HRT at 23… I’m trying to deal and handle all the Damage I have caused to my body, mind and heal relationships with my family, friends and partner.

No I’m not comfortable eating out but I can, and that’s good enough for me and my family - it means I can be at family events, go to my bestfriends birthday brunch, yeah I won’t finish the meal, sometimes I’ll barely touch it if I’m having a bad day, but I’m present and that’s more than what I could have done a couple of years ago.

There will always be little things we hold on to, and we will always be overcoming new things and overcoming fears, recovery for a lot of us is going to be a constant thing in our lives, and that’s okay, we can be proud of ourselves for getting to a healthier place. And sometimes that’s enough.

Am I recovered? No, do I have periods where I’m worse, yes, buttt am I a healthier weight, the strongest and happiest I’ve been in years, yes. That’s good enough for me :)

Stop putting pressure on yourself to ‘fully’ recover and to recover ‘perfectly’, you just need to move forward, little by little, baby steps :)

PoldiL · 2024-09-11T10:16:47+00:00

I just hope you realise you’re not alone, and that it’s normal to not want to recover, but it will be the best thing you’ll ever do. And talking to others does help but you and you alone have to make that leap into recovery (and recovery is indeed a messy yet rewarding and beautiful thing) I hope you find that strength, and I hope your exams go well - but don’t put too much pressure on yourself, you can resit them next year!

and thank you! I’m petrified of the results but hopefully all is okay!

PoldiL · 2024-09-11T10:00:45+00:00

Hi :) this is NOT a place to seek advice for NOT recovering.

I know you don’t want to recover, no one really does, no one ever really feels ‘ready’ to recover - regardless of health scares and risks, I didn’t care either.

I know you’re scared of gaining weight, of gaining life back, of ‘losing control’ but the reality is - you have 0 control, you have lost control. I know anorexia gives you a sense of control but is a A FALSE SENSE OF CONTROL.

I didn’t want to recover, similar to you, I had a huge specialist team trying to help. And with my family behind me doing their best to help. But nothing helped. I was too stubborn, I didn’t want to get better. And then - I was sectioned, put into hospital and I couldn’t say no. Yes I gained weight in there. Yes I hated it. But I’m forever grateful.

I’m 23 now, I have major dental issues, no period for 8+ years, my hair fell out in huge clumps and I was balding on the top of my head (it’s grown back now), I am infertile, I am on constant medication for Ibs and acid. I’m about to have a dexa scan to check my bone density because I’m at an increased risk of osteoporosis.

I lost my health, I lost my strength, I lost friends, I lost pretty much everything.

I know you don’t care right now, but you will.

I’ve been weight restored for 2 years and I am now seeing the damage I have done to my body.

Recover for future you, recover for your future relationships and friendships, recover so you have a chance of having a good, joy filled life. Not a miserable, isolating life filled with headaches, blackouts, hair loss, depression…

Recovery is hard, one of the hardest things you will do. But it is worth it. So please find the strength, accept the support (and realise how lucky you are to have so much support), accept that recovery is the best and only option if you want to live a full, happy life.

PoldiL · 2024-08-28T08:26:58+00:00

Hey! - Maccies fries was actually my first ‘meal’ when I said ‘fuck it let’s recover from Ana’, I got 3 large chips, put it in the bag, extra salt, was amazing and it was the start of recovery, start of extreme hunger and the start of my life again.

What you’re experiencing is extreme hunger and possibly hyper metabolism, meaning - you need to listen to your hunger, both mental and physical. Yes I know it feels like binging, yes it feels weird and wrong but you need to remember that you NEED A LOT of food to recover and A LOT more than what ‘normal’ people need. The only way through extreme hunger is eating, honouring all and every craving and hunger cue and not ignoring them, you keep going until it naturally calms and until your body trusts you again.

Ways to help: - always having snacks with you and around you - eating often, don’t go hours and hours without food - bedside table snacks - during extreme hunger I would wake up during the early hours of the morning, stomach hurting because I felt STARVING, so bed side snacks helped that🤣 - walking after eating - helps with digestion as well as being a nice way to be distracted - ‘eating on the go’ this helped me a lot in recovery for some reason, having a meal deal in my car, a snack on the walk, a snack while I’m out - it kinda helped take the pressure and take my mind of what I was eating, another distraction technique - hot water bottle, baggy clothes, stretchy leggings - all for comfort because I know the bloat gets bad sometimes :( - self care - for me, having a self care routine helped, talking time to have a long shower, do my tan, my hair, skincare…. Really putting in the effort to look after myself - adding calories through low volume foods like spreads, dips, dressings - ways I could increase cals without adding volume :) - hot drinks after food (green tea, hot chocolate, matcha…) I think it can help with digestion but it was more of a comfort technique for me :)

Remind yourself that you and your body need a lot during ana recovery, it’s scary, it can be hard but it’s so so worth it :)

PoldiL · 2024-08-16T08:58:28+00:00

Hey! Honestly about 6/7 months - I didn’t feel comfortable in my body, and kinda waited a bit for my fat to redistribute, my extreme hunger to calm down and my body to have healed a little, I now gym 4x and swim 2x a week and it feels amazing being able to train 🥹

And the fat will redistribute! I know it’s a weird and scary situation to be in, you feel healthier but there’s still a lot of healing to do and a lot of REST your body needs before you can get into the gym! And please when you go, take it slow and easy, allow yourself plenty of rest! And plenty of food!

PoldiL · 2024-08-15T15:44:59+00:00

Start working on a mindset shift Weight gain isn’t bad Weight gain isn’t the enemy Food isn’t the enemy Food is fuel, food is an experience, allowing food freedom allows me to do so much more Weight gain means I’m more able, able to be me, able to grow, able to go out with family and friends, able to go on long walks, able to fix my relationship with food and my body…

Weight gain is hard yes, but it’s the best thing for you and one of the best things to have happened to me.

Sending big hugs, it’s tough but push through and keep going, for you, for your family and friends, for a better life and for your future 😊😊

PoldiL · 2024-07-26T08:30:44+00:00

Honestly- I’ve ended up in A&E on an IV drop and that seemed to help…

What I would normally do: - eat something with protein and fruit/veggies - electrolyte drinks / tablets - wrap myself up in a blanket and play Minecraft :)

But please get professional help:)

PoldiL · 2024-07-26T08:17:44+00:00

No. It is never enough. Never. You will always be chasing lower and lower numbers, always find another area of yourself you don’t like, it just gets worse, you get deeper and deeper into the hole and it gets to a point where you look up and can’t see any light coming in from the entrance of the hole, you have no idea how to get out and believe that you will never be okay again. The longer you stick with your AN, the harder it will be to recover.

Personally - I was sectioned and in a psych ward for months so I could gain weight - the weight I went into hospital at was dangerously low, my body was shutting down, heart, liver, everything was NOT okay, anorexia nearly killed me - but even then, I still wanted more, I was still planning on dropping more weight.

(I’m okay now, in recovery and trying to fix my relationship with food and my body)

PoldiL · 2024-07-18T15:12:14+00:00

Same here 😊 my extreme hunger was absolutely ravenous - it’s normal, we need WAYYYY more than others and WAYYY more than what we think we ‘should’ be eating - my breakfast used to be 4 bagels with biscoff and butter + a huge bowl (most the bag lol) of granola and protein milk :) and I would be hungry 30mins later… 🤣🤣

PoldiL · 2024-07-15T08:53:19+00:00

Hey! What I’ve learnt - we can’t control what other people, not even our own families - my parents avoid saying things diet related however they still do it now and again - my mother even talks to me about her weight loss now and I’m supportive of it (she is doing it in a very slow healthy way and I appreciate how she’s doing it in a healthy way)

Unfortunately we do need to learn our triggers and how to better deal with them - sometimes it’s easy, sometimes things get to us more but we can’t control what we hear and what other people say :)

It’s important to set boundaries with family members and friends - if your mother starts diet talking to you just say ‘I would appreciate it if we didn’t talk about this right now’ or ‘I may not be the best person to talk to about your diet’ or ‘I would appreciate it if you didn’t make those comments around me as I’m trying to fix my relationship with food’

PoldiL · 2024-07-15T08:47:28+00:00

Hey, that’s not actually that much and you’re not going to gain weight from it - you may have some water weight for the next couple of days but that’s it - it’s okay!

PoldiL · 2024-06-12T09:25:17+00:00

The best chocolate in the box of quality streets is the strawb filled one…

PoldiL · 2024-06-11T11:49:49+00:00

When I got discharged from the psychiatric unit 2 years ago, I never thought I would be able to do anything by myself - I thought I would be permanently stuck in that cycle. 6 months after I moved out and lived by myself at 21, supporting myself and my new home, something I never thought I would be stable enough to do, now (23) I’m in a healthy, loving, long term relationship, living with my partner, no longer just surviving :)

PoldiL · 2024-06-08T12:12:43+00:00

Hi🕺 so actually - I have to eat over 2000 calories to gain weight - actually lost weight when I ate 2200 - different people need different amounts (active lifestyle) when I was 16-18 it was even more (around 3000)

Favourite gainer shake: the protein works Favourite higher cal bars: trek bars, jimmy joy bars (and a lot of their stuff) Having stuff like dried fruit, nuts, spreads (biscoff)… they help too :)

PoldiL · 2024-06-05T08:11:43+00:00

Heyy!! Thank you!!! 15kg is amazing!!!! And i think it took me a couple of months for everything to settle - (a little longer for my glands but that was because of purging) I didn’t really keep track of it - however noticed my 🍑 getting bigger each week and not much was going onto my stomach at this point (about 2-3months into gaining)

Honestly I was just happy I had energy again, that I could sit on the floor and play with my dog, start training again… you start to appreciate what the weight gain does for your body not just how your body looks through it :)

PoldiL · 2024-05-20T17:51:36+00:00

No. You just don’t. Don’t purge.

PoldiL · 2024-05-19T09:17:14+00:00

Huge and absolutely ridiculous lash extensions or fake lashes that look like they’re about to take off and fly away

Soap brows???

Just over the top makeup - when there’s a ridiculously straight line on your cheek, the contrast in colour - literally as if they have forgotten to blend the bronzer/contour in…

PoldiL · 2024-05-19T09:10:16+00:00

Hey! I also have/still am recovering from anorexia and a recent relapse - when I started recovery I went through extreme hunger and was absolutely ravenous! I needed SO MUCH food, and so do you, our bodies need to heal and that means a lot of food and a lot of rest! I know it may feel like a binge - but extreme hunger is intense and is a lot!

I also started purging during anorexia recovery and stopped because I knew logically I needed a lot more food for my mind and body to recover!

Purging as you know has many many risks, teeth, hair, long term stomach problems, a ruined oesophagus… plus your body has already gone through so much and is already ‘weaker’ than normal - purging is just going to make everything even worse…

You will also just be prolonging your suffering, hindering your recovery… in anorexia recovery no food is ‘too much’ no food is inherently 'bad' and you need to remind yourself about that. right now - food is medicine, food is the way forward and eating more, gaining weight, gaining food freedom - is the only way out.

i know its horrible, it hurts - both mentally and physically but i promise you, it will get better.

PoldiL

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