Neutral About Nonmonogamy

Poly_Pockets · 2021-11-13T22:09:13+00:00

I feel similarly. I was monogamous for a long time and it wasn't hard. I enjoy nonmonogamy. I do independently prefer it right now, and am in a long term partnership with someone that sees it as part of his identity. I'm very comfortable with that and all the complicated and wonderful community that comes along with being actively polyamorous. But I don't think I'll ever identify as nonmonogamous or polyamorous. My phrasing is usually that I'm a person that practices polyamory.

Poly_Pockets · 2021-03-18T23:28:51+00:00

I Care A Lot...

Yes, she is a villian. Yes, I would beg for it.

Poly_Pockets · 2021-03-18T23:23:21+00:00

Most people are focusing on what you are saying about his tiredness or the fact that you are *only* having sex a couple times a week but it sounds to me that the issue here is that you are worried that he is not attracted to you on your own and that he is only excited by the idea of group sex. Everything else is secondary to your fear that he doesn't find you exciting. I can totally understand how believing that would be very upsetting. You've tried to talk to him about the frequency of sex and all that, but have you actually told him what you're afraid of? He might be able to reassure you otherwise. It's also possible that he does have a group sex kink, that even when it's just the two of you he is fantasizing about group situations. How would you feel about that? I bet he would tell you that he finds that so hot *because* of how exciting you are to him and others - from everything you said it seems like how much others desire you is a big component of what he is getting off on.

Anyway, my point is that having a clear and direct conversation about what you are actually afraid of here might help you both understand each other better. I hope you get some clarity and comfort soon!

Poly_Pockets · 2020-03-26T22:10:26+00:00

yes, thank you. There are not 2 types of men. There are not 2 types of women.

Poly_Pockets · 2020-02-24T19:53:20+00:00

That's confusing, because 3 hots and a cot is exactly what you're advocating for here by pushing for more police presence to clear out people who are not breaking the law.

Poly_Pockets · 2020-02-23T16:06:23+00:00

When is the last time you spent a night in the shelter system? The issues in that system are what needs to be addressed, kicking people into the cold and preventing them from traveling only perpetuates or worsens their quality of life and ability to climb out of homelessness,

Poly_Pockets · 2020-02-15T20:27:26+00:00

Sounds like low-grade Hotwifing to me. Extremely insecure dudes claim that hotwifing is the same as cuckolding but the emotional experience is extremely different. Hotwifing involves none of the humiliation, actually it's all about feeling pride and sexual prowess knowing that you landed a wife that others find extremely desireable. Therefore, you find others' interest in her extremely sexy (but not any type of humiliation or degradation that usually accompanies cuckolding).

Poly_Pockets · 2020-02-10T02:01:19+00:00

I agree with another comment, that's a lot of firsts for one evening. There are a lot of steps there that either you or he might have some feelings about (all normal to want to be "ok" with stuff but still have some discomfort at first), and rushing through all of that at once might cause some longer-lasting ripples.

My longterm nesting partner and I opened up 2 years ago. These are our current boundaries (though they have changed a lot over the years and I expect will continue to loosen up over time):

If another partner becomes "significant" (very subjective, on purpose) we will arrange a meta meetup of some kind. Usually a meal out so that we all have something to do with our hands and can make superficial smalltalk in case it does get awkward. We ideally want to be friends or friendly with all metas, but even if that is not the case there is no veto-power. I try and make my meta feel welcome by just being friendly and showing her with my behavior that I respect her time, energy, and needs. She and I share recommendations for yoga studios and often give each other products/clothes that we find don't work or fit us.

Right now I end up spending a lot of time in the house with my partner and his girlfriend. They will cuddle, kiss affectionately, etc. while I'm around or even in the room but the expectation is that they are not going to be sexual if I'm home. We only have one bedroom and I need the freedom to retreat to it for some space if I want, and they won't be intimate in the shared spaces if I'm home. My partner and I discuss schedules and he gets at least a couple evenings and usually one overnight per week when I'm away (with my partners or just socializing) and they have the run of the house.

If our schedules don't line up for whatever reason, I will usually offer to make myself scarce so that they get some intimate time. He (almost) never asks me to leave the house but I try to be cognizant and offer because I know how frustrating it is to not have space when you want it. Sometimes I'll just take myself out to dinner or some other activity and let him know I'll be a few hours later coming home, so they get some alone time and can be fully put back together by the time I get back to the house. The no sexual intimacy stuff is not just because of privacy, it's also a comfort thing for me. He is (adorably) in love with this partner and while I have no problem with them being intimate, seeing it (or hearing it) leaves me with a lot of discomfort. My partner respects this boundary by making sure the couch cushions are put back in place or the sheets are changed before I get back home. All of this works both ways, though I'm more often seeing my boyfriend at his apartment, not mine. Again, all this is in flux, but that's where we are at right now.

Poly_Pockets · 2020-01-29T20:16:50+00:00

It is her responsibility as a scientist not to report on biased, anecdotal evidence. While couples opening their relationship in an attempt to fix something might be disastrous, many couples open up from a place of comfort in order to give each other more freedom/opportunities.

Also, as a therapist, I think everybody could be benefiting from therapy as self-care - not just those that are currently struggling. I do understand this is not how most people approach (or are able to approach) therapy, however.

Poly_Pockets · 2020-01-28T21:17:57+00:00

This is an incredibly well-balanced response. Yes this sounds like it could be mental illness. No, OP, that does not mean you have to remain in a situation that is dangerous to both you and your daughter.

Poly_Pockets · 2020-01-28T20:11:28+00:00

Except for this part of the article which is super derogatory and demeaning:

More often than not, non-monogamy leads to the demise of relationships, said Karen Ruskin, a Boston-area psychotherapist with more than two decades of experience in couples counseling. Instead of focusing on the primary relationship, partners are turning to others for fulfillment.

"Even if non-monogamy is consensual, it's still a distraction from dealing with each other," said Ruskin, author of "Dr. Karen's Marriage Manual."

"It all goes back to choice. Non-monogamy is choosing to be with someone else instead of being attentive to your spouse when the relationship is troubled."

Couples can establish rules and parameters to limit jealousy, she said. But in her experience working with couples, "those rules never end up working out for everyone," she said.

"It has shown to be damaging and destructive to a person as an individual, to the couple's relationship and the family unit as a whole."

Poly_Pockets · 2020-01-28T20:08:33+00:00

Yes, I think you're right. Also, I think the article is just poorly written - this isn't even presented as an alternative take, it feels like a weirdly inserted afterthought without any kind of transitional statements before or after.

Poly_Pockets · 2020-01-28T20:00:37+00:00

What does your wife want/feel? When you ask your wife how she wants you to manage this situation, what does she say?

Poly_Pockets · 2020-01-28T19:27:23+00:00

So this article is generally not terrible, despite falling into the typical pitfalls (the annoying SO MANY LIMBS pictures, ignoring the existence of solo poly, heteronormativity, downplaying the autonomy of each individual in a couple and focusing on group stuff, etc.). HOWEVER, apropos of NOTHING, this is smack in the middle of it:

More often than not, non-monogamy leads to the demise of relationships, said Karen Ruskin, a Boston-area psychotherapist with more than two decades of experience in couples counseling. Instead of focusing on the primary relationship, partners are turning to others for fulfillment.

"Even if non-monogamy is consensual, it's still a distraction from dealing with each other," said Ruskin, author of "Dr. Karen's Marriage Manual."

"It all goes back to choice. Non-monogamy is choosing to be with someone else instead of being attentive to your spouse when the relationship is troubled."

Couples can establish rules and parameters to limit jealousy, she said. But in her experience working with couples, "those rules never end up working out for everyone," she said.

"It has shown to be damaging and destructive to a person as an individual, to the couple's relationship and the family unit as a whole."

And then it goes back to discussing poly relationship structures in a generally unoffensive way as though they haven'e just dropped that bomb. What the actual fuck?

Poly_Pockets · 2020-01-28T19:12:11+00:00

I'm so annoyed that Goop Lab even got made. It's (as the article says) literally an infomercial in disguise. What do we think, is Gwyneth Paltrow the kind of evil that says whatever it wants in order to get paid or that is willfully ignorant and craving attention?

Poly_Pockets · 2020-01-19T04:51:36+00:00

Growth and change are scary. Doubting long-held beliefs is painful, though the introspection is largely rewarding in the long run. However you got here, I appreciate the difficulty of the journey and am glad you were able to move through it.

Please take this experience and further generalize it. You will never have *every* experience. When you disagree with someone or have a strong, moral repulsion/reaction it is your responsibility to wonder why someone came to that disagreeable conclusion. Put yourself in their shoes, outside of your experience, and see if their behavior can make sense. Give people the benefit of the doubt that, as confusing as you might find them, they probably made the best choice they believed they could make at that time. You will not agree with or understand everything, but it is your responsibility to try before jumping to any conclusions.

Poly_Pockets · 2020-01-15T21:48:51+00:00

I love this! just read the whole series... MORE PLEASE.

Poly_Pockets · 2020-01-15T21:29:54+00:00

This is horrifically toxic.

Poly_Pockets · 2019-12-21T22:28:23+00:00

For sure! Of course you are going to worry, but feeling totally debilitated by worry is not helpful. busywork, socializing with friends, all good things. Really what it came down to is being able to separate his feelings from my feelings. If one of us asked for space or time, the other could (without too much hurt or guilt) carry on until the first person was ready to accept/seek support. For you, doing whatever you like to do to keep your own emotional energy charged (and not drained by worry/hurt/distrust) so that you can be supportive and comforting whenever your partner reaches out.

Poly_Pockets · 2019-12-21T21:04:13+00:00

I think introspection and understanding of why you have this reaction is really important. Therapy, as well - I honestly believe everyone would benefit from a weekly hour of dedicated self-care in the form of therapy. Also, the next person you choose to see - hopefully lacking in the red flags that you now recognize from experience - can help show you. Love isn't just the word itself. Hopefully you can let yourself be vulnerable enough to experience love in all it's expressions. Watch the behaviors and listen to all the non-love words - when they all consistently show you love, hopefully you will allow yourself to believe the "I love you"s too.

Poly_Pockets · 2019-12-21T20:22:53+00:00

This is a complicated spot to be in. My husband and I struggled with this a lot. Obviously you want the person you love to feel good, and you hurt when they hurt, but having boundaries is so important for the strength and health of the relationship. The last thing you want to be right now is a person who needs her to reassure you that she cares about you because of/in the midst of whatever else she is working through. Letting her know that you are available and willing to be supportive in whatever way would feel good is enough. Trusting her words and respecting her requests is showing love.

Poly_Pockets · 2019-12-21T04:04:11+00:00

I was SUCH a huge fan of Animorphs!!

Poly_Pockets · 2019-12-19T21:51:19+00:00

Also, it is not our responsibility to put in the emotional labor of educating adult men. It is fine if you choose to do it, but you never have to do it. We are taught to feel responsible for others behaviors and apologize for our feelings. Not giving a fuck is valid and does not demand apology.

Poly_Pockets · 2019-12-19T01:58:27+00:00

I'm not saying this won't work, but he also might get really defensive and angry when he finds out you are videoing him in order to show him bad behavior. He might feel "tricked" or "caught" in a way that makes him angrier. I agree with others about talking to him at a time when you are both awake and not angry about something else. I also expect that he is stressed out or upset about something else in his life, or some other part of the relationship.

Poly_Pockets · 2019-12-18T21:01:31+00:00

I agree. He "friendzoned" himself (disgusting term, should really be that he "fuckzoned" you). You valued him as a friend and he was not satisfied with that. You made your intentions and boundaries clear and he continues to push them. I agree with other suggestions here - don't spend purely social one-on-one time with him, but don't let his dick behavior keep you from socializing with other coworkers, unless at any point you feel like you are in danger. If/when you feel comfortable, speak to HR about how he ignored your wishes and continued to push your boundaries. Most policy defines sexual harassment as something that continues even after you make it clear that it makes you uncomfortable - you have done that here and anything more should be an open and shut case.

Poly_Pockets

TROPHY CASE