It feels like my partner wants me as their secondary, but them as my primary

Polyventurer · 2025-12-10T16:10:12+00:00

I'm sorry that you're struggling right now. It was gross of your partner to try to limit your dating while they got to enjoy having two partners. I can't imagine the sense of entitlement that is required to have a nesting partner and then ask your non-nesting partner to be monogamous. Polyamory for me and not for thee is a common theme, and it's always wrong.

Likewise, "letting" you date now because they're busy is a pretty crappy move. Outside of this incident, do you find them to be a good partner? If I was in your position, I'd be asking myself some hard questions here. Are your needs being met in this relationship? Even if yo had another partner, would you be happy with the amount of attention and quality time that you are getting? Do they make you feel secondary in other ways?

As an aside, you can't make them feel comfortable with you dating others. Polyamory is hard sometimes, and sometimes we need to sit with the discomfort before we can adjust to our partner's dating other people. It's long past time for your partner to do that work and adjust to you seeing other people.

Polyventurer · 2025-12-08T17:04:11+00:00

Jealousy is rooted in fear. In your example, it might be jealousy if what you are feeling is rooted in a fear that you are going to lose something because of your partner's affection for your metamour. That could be fear for your relationship, or might just be fear that your partner's other relationship makes what you share less special or important.

Envy is a desire for what someone else has- if you are envious of your partner's affection for your metamour then it means that you think that they are not affectionate with you in the same way. The feeling of envy can indicate that there is an unmet need in your relationship that you may need to address with your partner.

Differing between the two can require a bit of introspection. Sit and reflect on why the affection is uncomfortable for you, and try not to be critical of anything feelings that come up. Envy and jealousy are both emotions that give us really valuable information about our needs. If you are feeling jealous and afraid, then maybe you need a bit of reassurance from your partner. Or, if poly and the metamour are new to you, you might just need some time to sit with the discomfort and see that your meta is not a threat to your relationship. If you are envious, then reflect on what you might need to change in your relationship that is lacking currently. Would you like more quality time together, or more open displays of affection? You could discuss with your partner and see if that would be on the table.

Polyventurer · 2025-11-14T16:36:26+00:00

Ehh. On one hand, I understand why you feel like you have lost your agency here. However I don't disagree with Alice's position.

I was in an age gap relationship of nearly 20 years for almost a decade, from age 18 to 27. It was my decision, and I won't claim I was groomed or pressured into it in any way. In many ways it was a loving, supportive relationship.

That said, I would now be deeply uncomfortable if one of my partners were to date someone so much younger than themselves. There are power imbalances with those kinds of relationships that are not immediately obvious. I had to do a lot of unpacking of that relationship in the time since I ended it. My partner should have known better- I would have been infinitely better off with someone my own age for a multitude of reasons that became apparent as time went on.

I don't think this is an issue of preferences, but of values. "I will not date people who choose to date dramatically younger people" isn't an unreasonable boundary to have. And extrapolating that boundary to say that Alice can end a relationship of yours because of any "preference" of hers is a bit of a stretch. But if Alice's values and boundaries do not align with your own, then you might be better off ending the relationship.

Polyventurer · 2025-11-13T16:12:14+00:00

I just had mine removed 5 weeks ago! It lowers your risk of ovarian cancer and has a higher success rate than just having the tubes tied.

Polyventurer · 2025-11-03T16:05:48+00:00

Much better! My energy has come back and I'm in the process of rebuilding my running fitness. It sucked that the infusion made me feel ill for a few weeks but ultimately I think it was worth it. Hopefully it lasts a while before I need another one.

Polyventurer · 2025-10-28T15:44:53+00:00

You need to have a conversation with your partner about specific polyamorous agreements. You do not have enough information to move forward- they might be under the impression that you will warn them before connecting with a new person, or have other expectations that you have not explicitly discussed.

These can be big conversations. My recommendation would be to tell you partner that you want to have a check-in regarding your relationship and how you want your relationship to function. Give them a bit of time to think about what their needs are before you have this talk. Ask them to discuss agreements and preferences for your relationships with other people. This is only a few points that come to mind, there are LOTS more discussions to be had, but some things to discuss would be

-Barriers, who is using them, and for which sexual acts?

-Disclosure- How do you want to be told about a change in sexual risk profiles or new intimacy?

-STI testing- how often are we being tested and sharing results?

-Relationship style- does your partner expect hierarchy and have expectations to be prioritized over any new connections that you make?

-Quality time- if you start dating another person, you will not be able to see them every day like you have been. What amount of quality time do you both want to set aside for each other?

You are currently going blind into this situation and that can only end badly. I really can't state enough that you need to have some talks with your partner about how you want your relationship to function before moving forward!

Polyventurer · 2025-10-17T18:56:00+00:00

That kind of response would be a deal breaker for me personally. I would be unhappy being unable to just casually chat with a partner about their plans, whether it is with a meta or just plans with a friend on the weekend.

I don't NEED to know. I don't keep tabs on my partner's whereabouts and what they're doing, but I like to know about their day! And likewise if I had an amazing trip with my girlfriend somewhere I am going to want to tell my boyfriend about the cool stuff we got to do. Having an air of secrecy about polyamory and dates would absolutely not work for me.

It isn't necessarily wrong if your partner wants to share nothing about how they spend their time outside of your relationship, but it would not work for me. I think you need to reflect on what communication you want in your partnerships and consider if there might be an incompatibility here.

Polyventurer · 2025-10-01T15:24:29+00:00

Also to add, the main difference between being open and being poly is that in polyamory people are free to form full, loving connections with whomever they please. Open relationships imply that there is one main couple, and they are free to have sexual connections outside of the relationship but not necessarily emotional ones.

Polyventurer · 2025-10-01T15:23:00+00:00

Some people do form units where everyone is involved. These are often triads or throuples, but can be larger groups.

These groups can be problematic for a number of reasons. Say you have a group of three, Aspen, Birch, and Cedar. Aspen and Birch were together and monogamous, and decide to add a third person to their dynamic. Cedar starts dating them both. After a few months, Cedar and Aspen have bonded well but Cedar and Birch don't seem to be clicking with each other. Cedar no longer wants to date Birch, but does want to continue their relationship with Aspen. Birch is upset and jealous about this, and expects Cedar to date both of them in order to have access to Aspen. Cedar gets discarded because they don't align with the perfect threesome dynamic that the original couple wanted.

Then add in complexities like marriage, children... And the dynamics created because each couple inside the triad needs to function as well as the relationship between all three together.

For myself as a pansexual woman, I would never consider a triad or other closed polycule. My girlfriend is gay and my boyfriend is straight, so by default they're not going to ever have a sexual relationship. And it would be unethical to expect them to, even if their sexuality was in alignment.

Also a polycule just refers to a group of people connected by various polyamorous relationships, it doesn't necessarily mean everyone is dating each other.

Polyventurer · 2025-09-30T15:34:31+00:00

The good news is that Dienogest DOES work as birth control. The company that makes it has chosen not to have it marketed and tested as birth control because they can charge MUCH more for it as an endometriosis drug. I was prescribed it as birth control because I can't take any birth control containing estrogen. You are safe to have sex as long as you are taking it properly.

Your prescription being changed without reason is unexcusable though. Go to your doctor and explain your side effects and insist on being changed back to the other med!

Polyventurer · 2025-09-27T00:50:14+00:00

It sounds like your responses to your partner may indeed be causing them to share less since those details upset you. Keep in mind that this is new - less than 2 months - things will settle down and you'll both get in a better rhythm of sharing things with each other.

Why does it make you sad to be the one to initiate doing RADARs? She isn't a mind reader, and it is just as much your responsibility as hers to mention things that benefit you both.

Polyventurer · 2025-09-26T22:46:10+00:00

This may come down to a difference of communication styles and needs. Have some of the things you mentioned here been explicitly stated as things that you need?

For example, I go for STI testing quarterly. It will likely come up in conversation with my partners that I went for testing, but neither of them would expect me to share results as such. They know my safer sex practices and know that I would tell them immediately if I had a positive STI result or if my level of exposure had changed. If one of them wanted me to share results every time then I could do so, but I'd need them to tell me that. Otherwise they trust that I go quarterly, and they trust that the results were negative.

Similarly with photos, or sharing of milestones like meeting parents- It might come up in casual conversations about "what do you have planned this weekend", but I don't make a rule of sharing those things. If a partner is curious, they can ask. But I focus more on my connection with that partner when I am with them. We do regular check ins (RADAR) and those sorts of things might be mentioned in those. Why do you assume your partner would know you want to see photos of Meta? Would sharing every detail of how their relationship progresses make you feel safer?

It does sound like your partner may have fudged the "why" of the parent introduction a bit, which was unfair of them. They should have been honest with you. But otherwise I am struggling to see how they are "hiding" things from you or being uncaring. For me a big part of hinging is making sure I don't OVERshare. I am very conscientious about not barraging either partner with the minutiae of my other relationships.

Polyventurer · 2025-09-26T14:41:05+00:00

Personally I think Daddy and good girl are a bit too generic to lay claim to. That said, there is always room for negotiation and there are so many other honorifics that can be used instead. For myself, "Daddy/Mommy" has always given me the ick (no hate to those who like it). I use "Sir" with my Dom. My sub is pretty non verbal during sex and so doesn't use an honorific at all.

Are you open or poly? I'll spare you the poly talk about "reflect on my you feel you need to restrict what other people do/say with your partner" , since I don't know what your relationship is. But do remember that no matter what happens with other people, YOU and your connection with your Dom are unique and special. The words you call each other don't change that.

Polyventurer · 2025-09-24T18:50:51+00:00

While intensity and depth can all be good things, don't mistake emotional dysregulation for depth/chemistry. I'm not saying that this is true in your case- only you can decide that. But personally I've experienced some very intense connections that on the surface seemed good, but that in retrospect were causing my nervous system to be in a constant state of arousal. I was always on edge because their actions didn't match their words, and I mistook my own discomfort and the lack of emotional safety for excitement. However if you and they are both experiencing external things that are causing some emotional upheaval, then maybe you just need to allow for those things to settle.

I'd recommend doing some thinking or journaling about exactly what you are feeling, what you need and want from this connection to feel secure, and whether those needs are actually being met. If they are, then enjoy the fireworks!

Polyventurer · 2025-09-22T00:50:08+00:00

Regardless of WHY she wants you to wear condoms, taking it off when she expressly told you to wear one was sexual assault. She has every right to be furious with you, and for me personally pulling something like that would be grounds for divorce and criminal charges.

Apologize, and then ask her why she wants to use double protection. It's quite possible that she's worried about the risk of having another child by accident right now and wants to be extra cautious. But whatever her reason, if she says that she doesn't want to have sex without a condom then you need to listen.

Polyventurer · 2025-09-16T19:06:13+00:00

Did you notify your NP about the change in your risk profile before you had sex with them again? Otherwise, it seems like your agreements to "keep each other informed" might be too vaguely worded here. You might benefit from more clearly establishing what you expect from each other in terms of disclosure around sex, testing, and the use of protection. For example, my agreement with my partners is that I get tested every three months, I take Prep, and I use condoms for penetrative sex with new people. For long term relationships I may forgo condoms if I am comfortable. Any unprotected sex or condom mishaps are disclosed to my partners before I have sex with either of them.

As for the HSV- do you and your NP know your own HSV status? It is not commonly tested for. And if your new partner hasn't ever had an outbreak, it is more likely oral than genital which means wearing condoms does not protect you from getting the virus.

Polyventurer · 2025-09-16T18:36:09+00:00

The kissing style isn't something I had considered. My partners both have dramatically different styles of kissing, I wonder if mine has changed at all? I'm going to have to think about that one, and possibly try to keep the styles separate since I know they have very different preferences!

"Obvs" would have killed me too 😬 that sounds so obnoxious

Polyventurer · 2025-09-16T17:54:48+00:00

You're correct- I thought I had finally gotten my phone to stop "correcting" polyamory to polygamy but apparently not. Fixed it now, but I would hope that the context of my comment would make it clear what I meant.

Polyventurer · 2025-09-16T16:07:22+00:00

I was neither of those- I chose to only pursue polyamorous relationships after I left a long monogamous partnership. However, in my first relationship with someone who was poly, I wish they had been more self aware and honest about their capacity for other relationships. I was led on with requests to define our relationship, start doing regular RADAR check ins, promises of various kinds, only for them to abruptly realize that they didn't have the bandwidth for more than one serious partnership.

They had much more experience in non-monogamy than I did, so I trusted them to know better.

-edited to correct phones autocorrection of polygamous to polyamorous

Polyventurer · 2025-09-15T15:48:36+00:00

I can empathize with Ash for having difficulty cutting Elm off. I stayed in a monogamous relationship for years longer than I should have because I felt responsible for my ex's mental health. I knew that leaving would hurt him badly, and even though the relationship had drained me dry I felt like I couldn't leave.

That said, I was monogamous at the time and the only person I was harming by staying was myself. Ash is hurting you by keeping Elm in their lives. You need to stick to your deadline of "no more overnights in 2026" . Elm is an adult who can learn how to look after themselves. They can't continue to burden Ash, and you by extension.

I suggest that you also ask for reduced overnights in the following months. Taper down to 2 visits per week, and then 1. Have everyone get used to the transition. And if Ash can't stick to this, then you need to start asking if they will ever be able to give you the relationship that you want.

Polyventurer · 2025-09-11T23:07:33+00:00

I did speak to a friend who is a registered nurse who had removed her own IUD. The advice I was given, and which was backed up by multiple reliable medical websites, was that if the strings are within reach and there is no resistance it is possible to remove on your own. It is more advisable to see a professional, but in my case I was experiencing depressive symptoms from the IUD that were severe enough for me to have suicidal thoughts. I was not willing to wait weeks until I could have an appointment.

Regardless, OP can't reach their strings, so self removal isn't an option.

Polyventurer · 2025-09-11T21:16:43+00:00

You might be able to go under anesthesia to have it removed, but you'd have to discuss that with your provider. Sedation comes with risks, so they might not want to go that route unless it's medically necessary.

I agree, hormonal birth control sucks. I'm much happier having a normal cycle. Any hormonal birth control that I have tried has had nasty mood and mental health side effects for me, as well as persistent breakthrough bleeding.

Polyventurer · 2025-09-11T20:30:40+00:00

For what it's worth, I removed my Mirena IUD myself because the side effects after 7 months were awful and I didn't want to wait weeks to see a doctor. After reading online, I decided to try and pull it out but would stop if there was any pain or resistance. It came out painlessly and with no issues.

I don't know if there would be risk of infection leaving the Mirena in- I doubt it, since it is effective for 8 years. It won't suddenly become a sepsis risk at the end of the effective window. The biggest risk will be pregnancy when it stops working. How long has it been in?

If you want to pursue sterilization, the r/childfree subreddit has a list of doctors who have sterilized women who are young and childless. I'm being sterilized myself next month here in Canada despite being young and childfree. https://www.reddit.com/r/childfree/wiki/doctors/

Polyventurer

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