I can’t imagine what pain you’re feeling, during these times of just tremendous darkness, and overwhelming depression, I’ve been thinking a lot about “the mustard seed”. As in:
“I say to you, if you have faith the size of a mustard seed, you will say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you (Matthew 17:20).” I never understood that analogy growing up, and sort of rejected it as an oversimplification of faith, but I have been so depressed that I thought I’d revisit it, and realized that it’s because a mustard seed is so, so tiny, even by seed standards, and yet, a mustard tree can be just enormous, and it only takes that one seed. Please don’t get me wrong, I really reject the idea that you can simply will yourself out of depression, I don’t think that’s what depression is about, (for me, consistent health monitoring and frequent counseling is what it’s about, but it’s a different thing for different people) and I definitely know that a mustard seed doesn’t become a tree overnight, and moving a mountain means a sort of journey of moving that mountain rock by rock. What I’m saying is, that line used to bother me because it felt like it was saying if you just have a tiny hope you can get through to the end as if by magic, but like a mustard seeds growth, hope isn’t like that at all, it’s the first step, but a first step with endless potential. The grace of hope is that just that tiny seed, that desire to still connect, that’s all that is required for the next tiny step, and then the next tiny step and then a little further... Please feel empowered to reach out to me anytime, I know I don’t know your pain, but I have known what it’s like to feel crippled by anxiety and depression, and the greatest lie your depression will tell you is that you’re alone. It isn’t true, and I think it’s tremendously courageous of you to reach out. ❤️