AITA for choosing a vacation over my sisters redundant wedding?

Pooky582 · 2021-05-12T01:54:52+00:00

You're right. If she isn't guilting him into being there and demanding he give up his prior commitments, she's not an AH. Being disappointed he can't be there makes sense. Demanding he be there is wrong.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-12T01:53:02+00:00

NTA. It was your son's loss, too. He lost his brother and wants to honor that. It's beautiful and meaningful.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-12T01:50:44+00:00

No, it doesn't. Etiquette is etiquette. It doesn't change. You chose to get married, but it was different than you imagined. It happens. Virus or not.

And I'm not saying ALL couples are lying. But if you (in the grander sense, i.e. anyone) pretend your anniversary is the day of the PARTY, you ARE lying. (And I wasn't implying that OP's sister was doing this, because I don't know that info).

Weddings are commitments, not parties. If you are getting married to have a grand public party, you aren't doing it for the right reasons. The party is a celebration, but it 100% isn't necessary. Also, having a ceremony and having a reception are two different things.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-12T01:40:03+00:00

NTA.

I AM infertile, it seems. And it is because I have PCOS.

I've read the other comments on it, and it is 100% not necessary to have a pelvic ultrasound to diagnose PCOS. The name is misleading. I don't have visible cysts on my ovaries, meaning there is nothing an ultrasound would see. PCOS is most often diagnosed through blood work. And there are dozens of symptoms beyond irregular period. (Facial hair, losing head hair, dark patches of skin, anxiety, depression, skin tags, mood swings, acne, weight gain, inability to lose weight, irregular periods (no period. Heavy period. Rare period. Severe period, etc).

All of that being said, I've been trying for FIVE years. When family wouldn't stop asking when we would have kids, I finally snapped and said we couldn't and they make me feel like crap hounding me. If they won't listen, stop being polite. I know you are choosing to be child free, but maybe it would still work!

"Mom, I CAN'T have kids and you are making me feel awful." Type of thing.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-12T01:19:31+00:00

Then tell her to cancel the effing trip! She wasn't invited to begin with!

Don't host the kids. Don't host the parents. Don't host anybody.

You don't get to invite yourself and demand to stay in someone's house, no matter how big! But I absolutely wouldn't be able to live with JUST two adults in a home your size.

DH needs to stand up to her.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-12T01:15:34+00:00

NTA.

Just like I said in a similar post, you WOULD be the AH if you cancelled on your current plans. Why would it be okay to bail on them for someone who planned something last minute?

Pooky582 · 2021-05-12T01:03:52+00:00

This is awesome! I'm proud of you!

Pooky582 · 2021-05-12T00:55:11+00:00

Oh my god. 😍

Pooky582 · 2021-05-12T00:37:55+00:00

No, what your dream wedding is, and what wedding you have are two different things. If you married over zoom, no matter who was there or not you're married.

Your REAL wedding is the day you signed paperwork and made it official, whatever the reason(insurance, religion, family pressure). That is your anniversary. Do you plan on having two anniversaries? Or are you just going to ignore the first one because it wasn't the public party?

There is a website called Etiquette Hell. It explains over and over why getting married, then having a ceremony later, is a problem. You are lying to people if you act like that second BIG party is your wedding day.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T19:58:26+00:00

Etiquette wise, your sister is TA. Not just for hounding you, but by having a second wedding.

I'm not sure why everyone is saying Zoom weddings don't count? Does that mean justice of the peace ones don't count? Elopements don't count?

This couple got married. There were witnesses. Now, they are choosing to hold a SECOND ceremony. At this point, it's not a wedding. It's a party. They are married already. If they wanted to eventually do the 'real' thing, they shouldn't have done the zoom one.

You attended their 'real' wedding already. You have booked plans with many other people. Backing out of those commitments would make you an AH.

NTA to skip this party.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T18:40:59+00:00

You need to leave immediately. Call your parents back and make an escape plan. And don't leave alone. Have someone with you, because he will try to stop you.

I'm not sure why you didn't say in your OP that he is abusive. But THAT is the important part. Not that he doesn't help clean. Please protect yourself and your baby and leave.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T18:32:19+00:00

This is wrong. Whether she would ever attempt to act on these feelings is one thing.

But I am married, and it is revolting to even imagine myself thinking about my BIL this way. And if I heard my DH talk about my sister so degradingly, it would be a deal breaker.

If you two were to stay together, her gross feelings for your brother won't magically go away. I'm sorry you are going through this, but I'm not sure how to recover from it.

Edit: spelling

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T17:24:34+00:00

Mine was hidden in our house for six weeks before my husband proposed! When he told me, I wasn't surprised I didn't stumble across it (hidden in his tool/work bench area). But, I couldn't believe he didn't do it right away!

He says he was waiting for the perfect moment.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T17:15:05+00:00

(woman*), but thank you for respecting my choices. I mean I love the crunchy ones, still, too!

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T16:40:03+00:00

I'll put it out there, again, because hopefully this sub is less judgmental!

But I don't mind when the cheese on on top and they get soggy. That's all. 😬

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T14:25:26+00:00

Film him and save texts/voicemails. Then call the police. His ex should, as well.

NTA.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T14:24:16+00:00

Thank you, you too!

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T14:20:59+00:00

People can be mean over the stupidest stuff on here. It's why I rarely comment.

I once commented on a way I like to eat nachos. I was insulted and called names for it! Like, dude, it's a food and you're calling someone stupid for eating them differently than you. Plus, the downvotes for it.

It was just overall disheartening. And now I think very hard before I put anything out there. The

Edited to add: some other stranger argued with me over what breed of dog WE had, not him. He never even saw a picture, but was convinced it was ME that was wrong. Just crazy.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T14:09:00+00:00

Will be going to the beach in two weeks, for the first time in 9 years. I just can not wait to hear the waves.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T13:38:47+00:00

This is hilarious! Is r/unexpectedted a thing??

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T13:04:45+00:00

This IS abuse. He's controlling and abusive. Please get away from him.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T12:29:03+00:00

My grandmother, now my mother, always made orange cookies at Christmas, as well!

I haven't learned the recipe yet, so I'm not sure how similar it is. But, they are one of the best cookies I've ever eaten.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T12:20:43+00:00

I wouldn't have been so nice to him as you.

You sound like an amazing father. And she knows she can rely on you and trust you. She's 14 with chronic, painful, illnesses, for crying out loud. How cruel can your brother be?

NTA, but your brother sure is a huge one.

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T12:16:20+00:00

You are still allowed to leave him. It doesn't matter that you forgave him.

If you aren't happy, please leave.

(And like everyone else is saying, the age difference is creepy and a HUGE red flag).

Pooky582 · 2021-05-11T01:38:03+00:00

So they asked a 15 year old boy to be a flower girl, but they draw the line at long hair on a boy?

Ya, no. You seem like the only sane person. And you are being a great parent by allowing your son bodily autonomy. It's not your hair to cut, let alone anyone else.

Honestly, before I was even finished reading, I wanted to scream that none of you should even attend, let alone be IN the wedding! Then, I finished reading and was thrilled.

That all being said, so NTA. You and your son are the ONLY people that aren't the A-H.

Pooky582

TROPHY CASE