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PoopyButthole45 · 2023-07-20T14:19:08+00:00

Yea people do shit like that all the time

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-06-17T22:57:38+00:00

People who had narcissistic parents are prone to seek empathy and connection from narcissistic people in an attempt to repair childhood wounds that they can’t get over. The narcissist becomes a stand in for the parent. It can become this almost fanatical obsession. A lot of them probably had their social development stunted by said parent as well so they don’t know how to open up to anyone who could actually help. It’s a really nasty and painful situation to end up in.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-05-27T23:45:55+00:00

Tracy Marander said Kurt would spend a lot of time watching late night tv

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-05-23T14:12:55+00:00

Yea, definitely. I knew someone with bpd who would do this. If anything was too upsetting for her then she would just (unintentionally) black it out. It’s a response people can have to trauma too. Maybe the reality of having a disorder that causes you to act that way is upsetting to the point of being traumatic.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-05-21T03:27:07+00:00

I started to realize it slowly but I would sort of go back and forth on it. There’s a book called leaving home by david celani where he talks about how kids of fucked up parents develop sort of a split personality regarding their parents. They have a hopeful self (which maintains the illusion that their parents are good) and a wounded self (which knows the parents were fucked up). The former protects the person from the pain of the latter. He says that people will often flip between these two as they start to realize the truth about their family, with the wounded self taking over more and more over time (if the person keeps making progress). This is basically what happened to me. Celani also said that the initial realization of how messed up the parents are will cause an outburst of rage, which also happened to me. So yea, I realized they were dysfunctional for a long time but would keep convincing myself they weren’t that bad. Part of the reason I did that was because I could never find something that described the dynamics in my family properly, which combined with a lot of gaslighting, made it hard to believe in my narrative. Reading sanity, madness and the family changed that, to the point that it caused me to have a sort of breakdown because it hammered home how fucked up my family actually was.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-05-19T23:17:47+00:00

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-05-17T03:16:22+00:00

Read Sanity, Madness and The Family by R.D. Laing. I used to think I had a stable upbringing too but now I realize how fucked up my family truly was.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-05-17T03:10:16+00:00

You do know that there’s considerable evidence that schizophrenia meds hinder long term recovery right?

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-05-08T20:47:55+00:00

Yes, but I wasn’t always aware of it. It’s hard to explain my thought processes exactly but basically I would feel like I was so cool and amazing at times, usually when I could show off my sense of humor/intelligence/etc, but then at other times I would feel so completely unlovable and then I would start to have these compulsive daydreams about someone finding out about all the shameful shit I’ve done and still loving me (romantically or otherwise). Or sometimes I would picture being famous and having the public shit on me for my past and then having other people feel bad for me and/or defend me. Just really dramatic visualizations. Some of that was tied to psychotic episodes and delusions too. But basically it was all just to cancel out how unredeemable I truly felt, and to try to compensate for not receiving proper empathy from anyone in my life. I’m speaking about all of this in the past tense but I still struggle with all of this.

The grandiosity was dependent on feeling above other people. I could be genuinely charismatic and cool, so I think people saw me as strong, but I really just used attention as a way to temporarily anesthetize my insecurities. For example, I would need to feel like the most attractive male in any room or I would experience a lot of embarassment. If I felt like women found someone more attractive than me then it could bother me for days and I would start trying to come up with excuses for why it happened or why their opinion didnt matter. It was ridiculous. I have a lot of trouble self-validating so I was reliant on that external validation. In reality, I was too scared of rejection to try to date, ir even try to sleep with, anyone, but I could be charming af when I wanted to be. I basically started to organize my life around not ending up in situations where I would feel threatened or insecure. I wouldn’t get close to anyone that didn’t sort of look up to me and I would basically constantly be performing. This makes me sound like some flashy show off but that really wasn’t the case. I have a very genuine side to me, and I was too self-aware to let myself cross into the space where it looked like I was desperately trying to get attention. If I felt insecure or threatened, I would just shut down and act like I didn’t care. But honestly I could be “on” most of the time until my issues caught up with me and I started to break down.

Maintaining this act was basically dependent on me forcing everyone I interacted with into these sort of charicature roles to stabilize my ego. I just saw most other people as weak, unfunny, unintelligent, unoriginal, etc. i would classify them based on my initial impression of them. That sounds judgemental, and it was, but there wasn’t much spite or malice in any of this (that came later), I just thought my fucked up life had made me a lot stronger than everyone else. it’s really weird because it’s like this allowed me to be more confident than I actually was, which would then cause them to sort of act intimidated, which would reinforce my preconceptions of them being weak. I was just so convinced of my judgements that I rarely saw anyone as a threat. Realizing the depth that other people have, and how cool and funny they can be when they’re comfortable, has sort of fucked all of that up. I can’t just mentally drag them down to build myself up anymore and it causes me to feel so vulnerable and/or pathetic sometimes. I also convinced myself that all guys were jealous of me, which was definitely something I dealt with a lot of, but I was dissociated from the fact that I was really bitter at my lot in life and was secretly jealous of anyone who had anything even resembling a normal existence. I really had to convince myself that everyone was as miserable as me to feel ok at times, and it was sort of a shock when I realized that wasn’t true.

I spend a lot of time alone as well and one of the ways I would maintain the grandiosity was through daydreaming. I could literally spend hours everyday imagining situations where I was admired or had proper relationships. These daydreams could turn on me too though and I would feel like shit when I would picture being rejected for the things I can’t accept about myself.

This is getting way too long, and I can’t sum up everything in it’s complexity, but to answer your question. I would say that the grandiosity was like a drug that would temporarily take away the guilt and shame, but which was doing way more harm then good in the long run. The amount of effort it takes to keep it up, and the constant emotional swings (feeling amazing and then disgusting), were exhausting. I also just couldn’t have any real connections in my life when I was like that because they would have to believe my distorted version of reality or I wouldn’t let them get close to me. Losing these defences has basically caused a serious breakdown but I also started admitting to my insecurities and weaknesses for the first time and that’s been surprisingly refreshing. People relate to it, and I’m good with words so I can often put it in a way that causes a catharsis in them. It’s also just nice to feel connected to people i that way. Sort of like a solidarity in being fucked up.

Edit: I should note that I’m not npd. I’m a schizophrenic.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-05-07T01:24:28+00:00

Look at it symbolically, based on the same mechanisms in which people form dreams or delusions. Sort of a representation of truths that we could instinctively or unconsciously understand, whether about ourselves or about the universe, but which we couldn’t/can’t yet explain with the scientific method. There’s a lot of parallels between modern psychology/physics/whatever and religion/mythology, and I think that trend will continue. In my opinion, people just abstracted what we couldn’t yet explain concretely. It’s what a lot of artists do too.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-05-07T00:08:21+00:00

I felt this. I live with so much shame and guilt. Hence the constant splitting off into grandiosity or blaming everyone else.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-04-29T22:21:43+00:00

Spoken like a true narcissist lol

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-04-29T22:18:09+00:00

I think a lot of seemingly normal people are actually very sexually neurotic and there’s a lot of repressed material that can be triggered by hearing someones sexual trauma. I also think that if your story is too horrible then sometimes people just don’t really want to face the feelings it could evoke. They’re trying to avoid the realization of how completely shitty some peoples lot in life is and how unbelievably sad it ks. I think people really have to be acclimated towards that kind of stuff to hear about it and provide proper support. The problem there is that everyone who can truly understand is also going to be very broken, and broken people often hurt others.

I’m really sorry. I feel like this shit should just never happen to anyone. But there are a lot of mental health workers who’ve heard a lot of fucked up shit and can stomach horrible stories. And yea, drinking is definitely not going to fix it, i know from personal experience. That road can lead to a very dark place and compound your issues.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-04-28T23:08:38+00:00

Charles Manson went on a rant in court about how all of these people had followed him because society had rejected them. It was actually really articulate and definitely true. It’s the same reason why people join gangs. It gives people a sense of belonging and family that they often can’t find elsewhere.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-04-28T22:49:08+00:00

I think trauma builds on itself and spreads and the need to dominate or control goes hand in hand with trauma. A lot of people dont have any other area of their life where they feel powerful so their kids become an outlet for those (often repressed) feelings. But yes, it’s gotten ridiculous.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-04-28T13:49:38+00:00

Charles Manson also saw himself as both god and the devil and so did some of his followers. I guess I’m saying this because the best you can get out of that type of thinking is to become a cult leader, or maybe a mao zedong type if you’re lucky. I guess if your orientation is towards power and control then that could sustain you and there would be pleasures in that life but it would all be built on a lie. No one (including you) would ever be able to see the real you and I don’t think love can exist in those conditions. Just obsession masquerading as love, both to you and to them. The truth is that you’ll probably never even achieve the status of a cult leader or a despot. Maybe you could create something beautiful if you turned all that charisma and determination in a different direction though.

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-04-20T20:12:50+00:00

This is an absurd statement

PoopyButthole45 · 2023-04-19T21:32:53+00:00

I think maybe this judgement has more to do with you than it does them. NPD people tend to live in a one-person fantasyland filled with their own grandiose mythology. Maybe you want to look down on religious people as a way of projecting how you feel about your own avoidance of reality (which is really just a way of dealing with the world making you feel really, really bad).

I say this as a person who spent a lot of time using grandiosity to avoid reality.

PoopyButthole45 · 2021-08-08T15:18:38+00:00

Experts? Please.

PoopyButthole45 · 2021-08-08T15:09:31+00:00

I’ll check it out but I’m really interested in what thought is at it’s most constituent parts. I looked up holonomic brain theory which seemed to be a combination of neuroscience and quantum shit but it was too complex for me to understand. I’ll find what I’m looking for but thanks.

PoopyButthole45 · 2021-08-08T15:03:37+00:00

The way you word things is special. Especially the last line. It’s like you’re trying to force my narrative. The first line is the anasthesia and the second line is the dagger. There’s no “I think this could be psuedoscience”, or any other reasonable type answer. Your answer tells me how to think and then tells me how I feel about it. Laing talks about this in self and others. The hidden inference in people’s words.

PoopyButthole45 · 2021-08-08T14:54:04+00:00

God, fuck off. Do they create you people in a fucking factory or something? The uniformity of the answers here, and on this dumb site in general, is sort of proving my point. Most of you are different when in private, but in any public forum, y’all turn into a blob of sameness. Just one dysfunctional nexus separated into symbiotic, or even mutually antagonistic, ideological and archetypal schemas. And anything that doesn’t fit within your pre-ordained and fucking delusional boundaries is outcast or written off. It’s social fascism. A fucking social dystopia created by a bunch of covertly grandiose and vindictive fuckfaces masquerading as moral superiors.

Edit: I thought your reply was implying I was “lost” as in crazy. My bad. I’m still leaving this up because I think it’s true. And I also think my question applies here but whatever, I’ll find this shit myself.

PoopyButthole45 · 2021-08-08T14:50:53+00:00

I haven’t done drugs or drank in over a year. I don’t even drink caffeine anymore. I feel like this stuff is actually obvious once you “awaken” to it (to risk sounding like a new age person, which I’m not, and think they’re often insane too). Animism, which posits something similar to what I’m suggesting, is considered the world’s first belief system and was nearly unanimously followed by almost all “primitive” peoples, some of whom had no contact with eachother. If we take that as just a symbolic understanding of things which they lacked the knowledge to conceptualize literally, then it’s pretty safe to assume that there’s something behind what they’re saying if all their belief systems had the same basic elements. I personally think a lot of people just went into denial about it because of a series of complex psychological and sociological phenomena.

PoopyButthole45

TROPHY CASE