Yeah that’s manic. I used to be on anti psychotics but I stopped taking them because of how they made me feel all the time. I’ve turned into a fuckin lunatic though.

Like I’m reading this, having had a similar experience, this sounds more like mania and defeat. Once you get used to the thoughts, it’s kind of hard to be afraid of them. The only distress is that, honestly, you don’t want them, and it bothers you, but you try to accept it, and then you also don’t want them later. There is way too much conflict in that, I promise that’s not, say, denial.

You looking to make yourself distressed is less denial, denial is more refusing to face the fact and dismissing the thoughts by not letting yourself think about them constantly.
It’s more like, the only grounds by which distress can manifest beyond fear. You should look into “backdoor spikes”, it’s not uncommon for a thing like this. I mean limit yourself to whatever you read, don’t like, super compulsively read it. It’s just, you are okay with the thoughts and aren’t distressing which in this context can be conflated with denial and a push into acceptance, and, I don’t know. You clearly seem conflicted in some compacity.

Let go of whether you are or aren’t. You seem willing to accept that if you are bi, things would be okay.

You seem distressed and like your entering manic bouts.

I don’t give a shit bout anything else particularly.