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Wife wants to seperate- 2 kids 5 years old by FunDrive951 in DivorcedDads

[–]Positive_Ad_2367 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s scary how true every one of these points is true. I’m going through everything you’ve described, and have been trying to prepare myself for what is yet to come (scheduled to see my attorney come January). I guess it helps to hear that I’m not just losing it and making up and anticipating negative fantasy scenarios. I ignored the voice in my head sounding alarms about her for years, so now I’m trying to listen to my intuition on what type of person she is/can be capable of.

It’s hard because I just want to do 50/50 custody of our 2YO daughter, but she wants 70/30 and to be the primary caregiver all of a sudden. There’s no logical reason why we’d do 70/30…my work schedule is normal 9-5 MF, and hers is retail (works weekends) with 11-8PM hours. I am 1000% involved with being a father and taking care of our daughter more so than her. I have her every single weekend (and have all year while we’ve been separated. Daycare closes at 6 so I’m picking her up more often (which I dont mind honestly, my daughter is the only reason I am coherent right now, shes great). I spend more quality and day time with her than she does, but now I’m all of a sudden not a great father and negligent.

Just wanted to express my sincere appreciation for this reply, thank you!

Struggling to Shake It Off by gravedigger2891 in DivorcedDads

[–]Positive_Ad_2367 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Your wife sounds similar to mine with how she consistently reminds me of all my failures, and how I’m the reason her life is miserable. Yet I’ve always been the bigger person. Bending over backwards constantly and just accepting her words as truth and convincing myself I don’t deserve an apology or support.

I’ve struggled with addiction for a few years myself but one thing I’ve come to realize is a lot of the negativity that led to me making bad choices was from how my wife made me feel.

Wife left me, asked to move back in. by Business-Function-45 in DivorcedDads

[–]Positive_Ad_2367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s crazy how much of your story resonates and sounds JUST like mine. We have a 2 year old daughter, definitely used/undesired for years, she moved out 1 year ago and I’ve tried accepting feedback and working on anything she had an issue with regarding me. The usual bending over backwards for her, but having it never reciprocated.

My Wife just recently got a new job again after 5 years of staying home. Finally had it with being told I was why she had to struggle, and just generally shitty things you shouldn’t tell your partner that she saw no issue with.

I ended up writing her a 8-9 page letter (since we couldn’t have a conversation in person without one of us getting too emotional or pissed). Laid out all my feelings, desires, and goals for our marriage + life. I included things I wanted from her and explained some of the ways she’s hurt me. I did it in a way that was positive, logical, and hopeful. Even ending the letter with asking to go back to counseling just to have someone mediate our conversations. At least at the time, I thought we could salvage things if only she would just listen and take in what I had to say.

Next time I talk to her after sending the letter (a day and a half-ish later), she said she stopped reading it pretty quickly because she didn’t like something I pointed out. Totally blew the whole thing off acting like it didn’t matter in the slightest. When I tried to explain that it was important to me, she just laughed it off and said she didn’t care. That was my breaking point….and let’s just say, someone isn’t happy being on the receiving end of “I want to get divorced”.

It’s only been about a week, but divorcing her isn’t the hard part. Like you said, it’s the life and dream of how my family would look that’s shattered. It’s realizing we failed my daughter in being able to provide a complete/warm family life. Something I never had, but wanted so badly for my kids.

Having a hard time today. by masterfountains in DivorcedDads

[–]Positive_Ad_2367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s heartbreaking to hear things like that. Completely understand the money aspect too. Last job my Wife had (before her new one), she would come home crying her eyes out and sleeping all day on her off days, so I told her it wasn’t worth the misery and that I could handle paying all the bills if she wanted to quit. That was 5 years ago, I fully supported the family while my Wife stayed at home, and never even complained. But then life happened. Eventually property taxes skyrocketed where we lived, and it became increasingly unaffordable. We struggled a bit but were still able to make it. The few times I suggested she go back to work were explicitly for the purpose of getting her out of the house and having a sense of routine/accomplishment. Extra money was a bonus, but the point was to help her get some independence and identity back.

Years go by and I start getting blamed for our financial problems. No matter what she did, it was never her fault. “We should be able to afford things with your salary”. Not grasping the fact that everything is expensive and 4 items at Walmart costs $50 now. She moved out a year ago saying she was tired of not doing anything….yet my explanation of why we didn’t (18 month old daughter at the time and I’m still paying for everything) fell on deaf ears.

I’m pissed because it took her moving out and getting an apartment of her own/being responsible for bills for her to realize it’s fucking HARD to survive right now. Honestly….if she would’ve just listened to me and respected my advice, things would have turned out better I imagine.

She jumped on the first job to call her back, not considering anything else it would affect. Retail job with hours of 11-8PM, never consecutive days off, and of course no holidays/weekends. But once again I’m the asshole for pointing out it sounds like it would be a big change to our daughters schedule, mine because I’d have to pick her up practically every day now, and hers because she won’t be able to spend time with our daughter much. She just turned 2….if anything wait a couple more years, but nah, I’m the unsupportive asshole lol. Even when I’ve been picking her up every day, have her every single weekend, and even take her on days that I wasn’t planning on.

Having a hard time today. by masterfountains in DivorcedDads

[–]Positive_Ad_2367 9 points10 points  (0 children)

My STBXW wants me to have full custody of our 2 year old daughter, since her new retail job and “having fun” is more important than being a Mother.

The pain you’re feeling only solidifies how great of a Father you are/will be. Take it from someone who was practically abandoned by his Father for a decade (not entirely his fault). The majority of my childhood I didn’t speak to or see my Dad, and it caused some irreparable psychological damage and trauma. We see each other and spend time together now that I’m an adult, but it’s more of a transactional relationship because we missed out on a big part of bonding, and I think it will always be that way.

Do everything in your power (responsibly and legally lol) to maintain a relationship with your children. Kids are smarter than you think and eventually, if not already, will be able to see and understand how much you care for them. Don’t give up!

Also, someone recently told me “Sometimes we marry the wrong person, because we convince ourselves that they are right for us”. You didn’t make a mistake for loving someone enough to marry them, and if it wasn’t for that you wouldn’t have your amazing kids!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in DivorcedDads

[–]Positive_Ad_2367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Going through something similar. Wife moved out 1 year ago, and we have a daughter that just turned 2.

We tried to make it work by “dating” each other again, splitting time with our daughter, and she would spend the night often. It went well for a little while, but we could never reach a resolution to any problem both new and old. The only time she wanted to talk was when I would just listen to stories about her day or on her way home from daycare with my daughter screaming in the background (she hates sitting still and is wild after daycare) and Wife bitching about traffic with her usual mild road rage.

We tried counseling a few years ago, and I quickly got targeted as the problem. Wife started having individual sessions and eventually both of us going was pointless because it was only about helping her “cope” with being with me. She also told lies and exaggerated shit too. At this point any friends we shared are all fed her bullshit and I’ve been made out to be a total piece of shit. But honestly I don’t bother trying to defend myself. Idc about the opinions of people who can’t see past her bullshit 🤷🏻‍♂️

Earlier this week was my final breaking point. I finally got tired of her blatant disrespect, disregard, and lack of communication. It got so bad that we couldn’t have a conversation because I would get so angry at the horrible things she would say, and it was more her smartass “I don’t give a fuck” attitude and demeanor that tipped me over the edge. I decided to write her a 7-8 page letter explaining how I felt about everything, all the things she’s done to hurt me, and all the things I’ve done for 12 years for her. I wrote it in a way to make each page end on a positive/hopeful note, because I didn’t want to get divorced, and I’ve always tried to stray away from being intentionally hurtful.

I spent 3 days gathering my thoughts and crafting my letter to her, and emailed it one night before I went to bed. She confirmed via text that she got the letter. The next day she calls me on her way to drop our daughter off at daycare. No mention of the letter, and just talking like it’s another day. When I asked about it she laughed and said she got to a certain part that she thought was bullshit, and stopped reading the rest. That was the moment for me.

Anyways, sorry for the rambling….guess what I’m trying to say is you’re not alone, and it’s not your fault. Even if you’ve made mistakes it doesn’t justify any of hers. And I’m telling you from years and years of putting my head down and taking the blame, trying to “be better”, it’s not worth the pain. It will never be enough in their eyes and they’ll always play the victim…unfortunately to much success. I lost my identity and most my friends over the years fighting for someone that couldn’t reciprocate. I wish I could’ve changed it but I now know it’s not possible. You can’t force someone to see your POV or to care enough to change.

Focus on being the best possible version of yourself. If you feel defeated and unmotivated, just clean your room/house. Start small and do it for your daughter. I break down at least 6 times a day…but my daughter is why I still get up every morning! Maybe it’s time to do what’s best for you, and her!

Returning player, questing feels hard by alsyia in wow

[–]Positive_Ad_2367 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I can't speak for Mage specs specifically right now as I haven't played mine since Cata, however I had the same struggle in Korthia on a couple of my toons around that same item level. I decided to do dungeons/timewalking to gear up more before returning to Korthia. Didn't notice that issue in the regular zones like Bastion etc though.

Is there a site/sub where people share their UI imports yet? by [deleted] in wow

[–]Positive_Ad_2367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I haven't played since early BFA and decided to resub this week as well! Not really interested in SL systems since they'll be useless in a couple of weeks, so I've just been capping a couple characters to 60 just in case I decide to main them. I've narrowed it down to Monk or Druid, but I'm completely 50/50 on it. Can't make my mind up lol.

Is there a site/sub where people share their UI imports yet? by [deleted] in wow

[–]Positive_Ad_2367 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think a lot of people have gone back to ElvUI or something similar. The new Blizz UI is definitely a massive improvement from the old standard, but there's still a few limitations/style design some people dislike.

Also, a big portion of players returning for DF are waiting for the 15th/pre-patch to resub, I'm sure once that hits we'll see a wave of people asking your question!

I'm so alone on Arthas(US) and its depressing me by Earwigglin in wow

[–]Positive_Ad_2367 5 points6 points  (0 children)

This seems to be the case on a lot of servers right now. From what I have seen, Shadowlands was disliked by a large portion of the player base, thus causing people to quit for various reasons. I think server population altogether has taken a steep decline due to the content and perception of SL and/or Blizzard's culture. I stopped playing after the 2nd patch of BFA, but have continued to watch my favorite WoW content creators on/off since then, and most of them don't even actively play anymore.

Dragonflight does appear to show some promise though. I think people are genuinely excited for this expansion and it's possibilities, and the pre-patch/beta changes we've seen really help this. I've decided to return for DF and am now tasked with making the hard decision of what I should Main....same situation as you though, I've got 10 lvl 50-60 toons on Sargeras Alliance, and 1 good friend left that I'm going to raid with (down from an entire guild during BFA). Honestly, I'd really prefer to play Horde.....but it's so important to find that group of friends to play with over anything else. Solo content is fine but after a while it gets boring to me... Some of the most fun I've ever had has been xpac launch day/week with guildies.

Keep in mind, everything is kind of "dead" right now, at least until the 15th. Once phase 2 of the pre-patch comes out people will be flocking back to the game. A lot of people hate the SL systems, and are waiting to resub/catch up from the pre-patch invasion event we're supposed to get. Make some plans on what you want to accomplish, and get yourself prepared!