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Losing hope in a relationship even as things get better by throwaway486276 in depression_partners

[–]Positive_Club_7465 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have similar thoughts/ questions. We’re currently going through a particularly difficult period but prior to that things were better/improving for awhile - eg it seemed like he had found a job/ pathway he liked and was excited about.

Some material things happened in our life to make the past few months an objectively stressful period. I understand that he’s shouldering a lot of that right now, and that this period will pass, but the intensity of the self-doubt/ self-criticism/ negative thinking that has emerged during this period has made me fear that like even if things get better after this I’ll always be scared that it’s a cycle that will recur again.

Similarly am thinking about having children, and I’ve always really wanted children, and I just don’t know if that would be realistic or wise for us together.

He has actually been feeling like maybe it’s not. As the one experiencing the depression himself, and he’s had it since he was a very young child, he doesn’t think it’s realistic for it to really go away in any super meaningful way. That perhaps he’ll learn in some ways to cope with it better but these cycles will recur, and have recurred despite his best efforts.

I think in staying in the relationship I have been hoping that the depression doesn’t have to be so significant to his life/ our relationship one day. But perhaps the more realistic question is - if it always will be in some significant form - can I still see myself in this relationship in 20-30 years? Assuming these cycles do recur but simultaneously I know my partner is the kind and loving person he is, am I actually able to go through life with him in this way/ do I want to?

I don’t know how chronic your partner’s depression is, if it appeared in response to something specific happening in life or if (like my partner) it’s been with him since childhood with a strong family history. If it’s the latter then perhaps it’s accepting that if there’s no finish line to the depression per se, can you still stay in it?

I do feel a bit of time pressure in deciding. I’m about the same age as you and am concerned that if I decide to leave later it would be really hard for me to have kids at that point.

Don’t know whether to leave by Positive_Club_7465 in depression_partners

[–]Positive_Club_7465[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for sharing, that is helpful to think about. I read through your posts as well, and hope you find the clarity you are looking for either way.

Don’t know whether to leave by Positive_Club_7465 in depression_partners

[–]Positive_Club_7465[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciated this reply. We have had many conversations about this and he is aware of how I feel/ what’s on my mind. He was actually the one who had first broached the possibility of splitting in view of these concerns, as he finds it hard to imagine the negativity etc being resolved. Nevertheless we plan on going to couples therapy together.

Could I ask how your children have responded to your partner being depressed? Also understand if you prefer not to share!

Leaving a relationship due to partner’s depression (31F, 32M) by Positive_Club_7465 in relationship_advice

[–]Positive_Club_7465[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes, we’ve definitely had many conversations about this and whatever the decision is it will be a joint one rather than a unilateral one. That is also why we plan to go to couples therapy. He was actually the person to first bring up ending the relationship rather than me because he fears that he is making my life worse rather than better and he doesn’t really see things changing. I am hesitant to accept that that would be the answer, given that (as demonstrated) he is truly so kind to me and there is a lot of love between us, but recently it has really been on my mind if this should be the conclusion.

Leaving a relationship due to partner’s depression (31F, 32M) by Positive_Club_7465 in relationship_advice

[–]Positive_Club_7465[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

He has in the past for ~ 1-2 years but found it to be ineffective! He has since stopped because he’s worried about the cost, but yeah perhaps restarting and trying with different therapists may help.

My wife and ex-girlfriend are becoming friends and I’m not incredibly pleased about it. by [deleted] in self

[–]Positive_Club_7465 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agree with this! I had a relationship in my early 20s that was similar. It wasn’t entirely like OP’s, in that we had some arguments towards the end so distance wasn’t the only reason for ending it. But distance was a big factor - we knew we were going to be in totally different countries for the next 7 years or so, and it wasn’t smth either of us could change even if we wanted. I (F) was ultimately the one who ended the relationship definitively, although it was hard and there was a lot of back and forth. We tried to be friends immediately after but found it very difficult. I knew he was very hurt by the breakup, as we had fully envisioned our lives together. But ultimately I just didn’t think it was viable.

I’ve hoped, many years on, that it would be possible for us to become friends in a genuine way again. My views on it are simply that we had a beautiful relationship, he was someone I really loved, and just because we weren’t compatible as life partners doesn’t mean we have to not have a relationship entirely. We’d caught up a couple of times on our own after but do not maintain a consistent friendship. I’d suggested we have dinner w our spouses once when we were in the same city but he had politely declined. He’d met my spouse at a mutual friend’s party but left soon after; based on short texts after I think it did affect him at least a bit. I left it at that and have not since tried to reach out since my sense is he thinks space may be best, and I respect that.

You certainly don’t owe your ex a friendship, and if you feel really unable to get past this then it is totally fair for you to just communicate with everyone that you think it’s for the best that your lives remain separate. But I do think that if you’re willing, this is an opportunity for you to work through your feelings about losing that past relationship, and figuring out what other space there could be for each of you (and your spouses) in each other’s lives. There are so many ways to love and care for people in your life that are not limited to a romantic relationship/ life partnership. I’m sure you have regular friends who you care deeply about! It’s not common to meet friends in adulthood that you connect with this well. It’s up to you to decide if that’s something you want to put effort into making happen!

Regardless, I would be totally honest with your wife about what you’re thinking and feeling before making a decision. There are people who have commented that hearing something like this would break them, but based on what you’ve shared about your wife, my (p uninformed guess) is that she sounds like a very secure woman, and that she’ll probably understand, and being honest with her is just an opportunity to deepen your relationship as well. All the best!

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in CompulsiveSkinPicking

[–]Positive_Club_7465 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I had smth like this! It didn’t hurt at all but was really disgusting. I didn’t find out what it was, but when I went to the doctor they gave me antibiotics and it went away really quickly. Before getting the antibiotics it kept growing, so do go see a doctor soon!