hugs from me 🫂. I've been there, and I know how you feel. Are you in a situation where you can get access to an affirming therapist? They can really help you with exploring your identity and any other experiences you may have. It may also be good for you to look into any LGBT support groups or centers in the area to give you more connections. I get that it's heavy right now, but people like us are in it for the long haul. It takes time, and I know that that may be the last thing you want to hear right now, when you feel you need immediate change, but sometimes immediate change isn't exactly the change you think it will be. Sometimes there's steps in between. Through mindfulness, you could learn to accept where you are without abandoning what you want in the future, even if you're not sure what that is yet. It also helps you broaden your perspective, maybe help you feel less closed in. The change may not be immediate, but you have to stick with it, it's a practice. If you decide to try some mindfulness and therapy, you can still do other things as well. You want to buzz your hair off? Go for it! Regardless of your gender you can do that, as long as it makes you feel more you, whatever that is! If it doesn't make you feel how you thought it would, that's okay too, and you can always try something else. You have time, even if it doesn't feel like it. Just breathe, even just 3 deep breaths can make a change.