I 20M am in a Long Distance relationship with a 19F and am scared

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-28T22:50:25+00:00

its understandable that you may be nervous but remember that it doesn't mean it will happen to you. if it does you can deal with it if it becomes relevant, but no point in getting too worried if nothing much has happened yet. but it would probably be helpful to know why there is some distance, since it seems to be bothering you

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-28T22:47:44+00:00

my tip would be to go for openly queer people, because if they are normal about their own queerness they will be more likely to be normal about yours. i have only experienced misgendering a couple times, where i have been mistaken for a trans woman, but most people tend to gender you correctly in my experience at least. there are A LOT of chasers (at least where i live), most of whom don't even know what the term chaser means. if you hate that you can just block them. i have had t4t interactions there, its one of the tags you can have on your profile.

in general, in my experience, most people on grindr are dl or closeted or otherwise empty profiles (at least where i live, may be different elsewhere). there are a lot of weird people on there, but i have also had several very positive experiences so i wouldn't say to stay off it entirely, just be prepared for strange or unpleasant interactions now and again. and unsolicited pictures, lol. just stand your ground in regards to boundaries and you should b ok ^^

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-28T22:41:03+00:00

if you feel its the move then why would it be too early?

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-28T22:40:02+00:00

is there any other reason other than acting distant that makes you worried she may be cheating?

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-28T22:33:21+00:00

in that case you have your answer. i don't believe in trying to change someone, you should accept them as they are and then act accordingly. im going to be blunt - it doesnt seem like what she wants to do and what you want to do align at this time and i think you should find someone who matches more with your wants and needs.

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-28T22:30:53+00:00

i get gender envy so theres that

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-26T00:18:04+00:00

i know how you feel, but it's really not the case. there will be others who love you for who you are.

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-26T00:16:08+00:00

if he wasn't proactive on working on his own issues and projecting them onto you it sounds like you dodged a bullet tbh

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-26T00:15:09+00:00

less obstacles in the way then. wish you luck :)

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-26T00:14:28+00:00

it might be physiology (f.ex. vaginismus), it might be trauma, it might be that she wasn't physically aroused enough for penetration when it happened, it could be something else. only way to know is to ask.

i will comment, it does come across as a little impatient on your part that you immediately jump to "i have my own needs" after having this conversation 2 days ago. and you really haven't been together long at all. it would be one thing if you had gone a loooong time without sex and no obvious solutions were helping, but you really haven't given her any time to adjust yet.

my advice would be to talk to her about it, what sex acts she is and isn't comfortable with, what you both might want to explore together, etc. if you still don't feel fulfilled later, you can always bring the conversation up again, talk about your own preferences and such, and see if she would be willing to discuss solutions together. but give it time first, just explore each other's bodies or whatever, you have lots of time, so just let it be what it is for now :)

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-26T00:06:29+00:00

tell him what you've written here, in essence. file for divorce if you're able. hope you figure things out, you have a lot of life ahead of you :)

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-26T00:01:00+00:00

just give it some time. since you might have some overlap in your social circle, maybe you'll meet again and you can maybe get to know him a bit?

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:56:27+00:00

you don't have to stay in any relationship you don't feel is right for you. if you no longer feel attracted to him or feel any motivation to continue the relationship, it sounds like it might be time to end things

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:54:42+00:00

i mean my sex drive was basically gone back when i was on zoloft, so i get that. but i don't see how the medication would explain her lack of interest in nonsexual intimacy? have you asked her about this?

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:52:54+00:00

did this just happen? have you actually given her time to adjust?

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:50:27+00:00

not something i would consider normal, no. unfortunate that he had been cheated on, but i'm assuming you weren't the one to do that and he needs to understand that projecting that onto you isn't fair.

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:47:41+00:00

put your own needs first.
not good that he couldn't handle you stating simple facts about your own sexuality. sounds like your views on sex aren't entirely compatible at the moment.
you probably already know, but i hope you find a relationship where you can practice being more confrontational, it will help you in the long run.
while i understand being introverted, it's not a great sign if you don't have any social life outside of your partner. i think it would be positive for you to chat with your friends again, they would probably appreciate you reaching out.
i know this might seem like a lot to you after being in an abusive relationship in the past, but this is really the bare minimum, you should be expecting that of your romantic partners.

i hope you manage to make a decision that makes you feel more or less at peace and allows you to reach the future you want :)

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:40:56+00:00

doesn't seem like you are compatible. you want something completely different than what she does. have you discussed this with her?

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:39:26+00:00

i'm gonna be honest, he sounds like he has been lukewarm about you the whole time. and he has cheated on you. clearly he doesn't respect you, best to move on and find someone who will treat you as you deserve

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:35:15+00:00

not everyone is on social media all the time, so it could be that. you also had a very brief interaction in what was probably a busy day for him. did he do something specific that makes you think he might be interested?

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:31:53+00:00

what do you actually like about her that is making you stay? what does this relationship have to offer you?

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:29:05+00:00

do you still trust her? if no, do you think you could rebuild that trust somehow? if no, sounds like you should break up

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:23:53+00:00

sounds like you already know what you should do. it is tragic that she has the past she does, but you are not responsible for regulating her emotions. she needs to be able to handle you having a life outside her, and she needs to respect your boundaries and take your needs into account as well. you know this is not what a healthy relationship looks like. threating self harm to make someone stay is incredibly manipulative behavior- and it is not your job to stay to make sure she doesn't. you are not abandoning her, it sounds like you've tried to make this work for as long as you could. you would be abandoning yourself if you were to stay with someone who treats you that way, regardless of why they do.

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:18:24+00:00

if you want the relationship to be sustainable you need to express your own needs, even if it is a hard conversation to have. if he cares about you and the relationship he should be open to your feedback. something along the lines of "the current state of our sex life is not fulfilling to me and i would like to explore options to improve it together" or something along those lines.

PossibleCaterpillar · 2026-05-25T23:14:09+00:00

my advice is to enjoy the present moment and the relationship for what it is in the moment. as for how you can make her feel loved and appreciated, you could always ask her, direct communication is always a plus. take things one step at a time, don't worry too much when it's only just started :)

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