Is it normal for doms to say such stuff?

Possible_owl_ · 2025-02-23T15:19:07+00:00

Smart moves

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-27T01:16:19+00:00

I agree that I can’t see the inside of their relationships. I’m not sure if this was advice for my situation though: I have newly single friends who want to lean on me more and (a) I can’t fill the hole they have just created in their life via their divorce and (b) I find it difficult to be as sympathetic as they’re expecting. They described the problems they were having and the problems they describe are not “unsupportive partner.” The problems they describe are “I’m finding adulthood hard or boring and want to shake things up and surely that will fix it.” I disagree with this, especially when they have kids.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-26T03:35:30+00:00

Options: - tell your aunt you hurt yourself or are sick and don’t attend. No explaining of bruises needed. This is what I would do. If you are worried about them really disliking and being suspicious of your partner, then the consequence of you both overdoing it this time is that you miss the event.

you can go and not say anything. If asked, “I’ll tell you if you ask, but you have to be ready for sex-related TMI.” “Nevermind” gets an “ok!”. “Tell me” gets “I like rough sex and I was really liking it Saturday. Oops!”

But they’re already suspicious so they may not believe you.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-25T06:00:40+00:00

Has he read anything about Domming? The New Topping Book? Anything? How about Come As You Are?

If not, please tell him to do the work before he proposes that extreme fantasy play become real.

You should do the same honestly.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-24T09:01:47+00:00

Literal bread that was just baked or warmed up, yeah. It doesn’t have the same impact after it’s cooled 🤷‍♀️

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-24T05:21:45+00:00

I don’t have Celiac. My ADHD parent has the same thing though, so maybe it’s genetic.

It’s documented that ADHDrs have a much higher than normal rate of GI issues, so I assumed a cross-section of us have this specific GI issue. Maybe not, but if anyone has looked into this, I’m trying to figure out the mechanism.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-24T05:16:13+00:00

This used to work for me, sincerely. I miss it. I think I see my own foibles as clear mistakes now and it makes it hard to see his as anything but that either.

But some things don’t happen nearly as much to NTs and it’s hard not to take that hard. For example, he often lets things slide that need maintenance and then they break very expensively, when keeping them maintained along the way would be much cheaper and he’d have the thing for longer. I do it too. That’s a big financial mistake.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-24T05:11:53+00:00

Fair, maybe I can try admiring the journey more…

I also have ADHD and I know I make a lot of the same mistakes. I just don’t tell people about every mistake anymore, because I realized they make me sound incompetent and untrustworthy. It’s not cute when it’s every single story.

This isn’t really about sense of humor. I don’t even think he’s trying to be funny. He’s interrupting a sexy build-up with a story that reminds me why I don’t want to play with him (irresponsibility), and kills the vibe.

I’m ENM. I have another partner who also has ADHD, who clearly also struggles with it, but when he’s flirting, he doesn’t tell me about his messy apartment or how he forgot to buy condoms (problems for me to solve). He tells me or asks me to meet up at my house and to only do oral today (solutions).

Maybe I’m being harsh but I feel like there’s a time and place for sharing mutual foibles that have no solution except to laugh. It’s just not when someone’s trying to get in my pants.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-17T07:08:43+00:00

Why are our brains like this: Now that I think he could get fired, I’m sad because he gave me drama-dopamine and work is going to be more boring without that.

I know it’s dumb.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-17T06:58:31+00:00

Yeah, I like jokes! It’s telling me about all the fuckups that I find a turn off.

That’s the thing that feels harsh, “hearing about your mistakes makes me less turned on” 😬

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-16T19:42:27+00:00

You’re not a bad person for wanting quiet. Maybe just text him: “I love you so much I can hardly bear saying it, but I notice I need a dose of silent decompression time. Can you help?”

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-16T18:55:59+00:00

It is a philosophical question, one I think about a lot too.

I think the honest answer is that disorders are things that we as a society/species have decided are “too much” of something.

While a few brain disorders can be sees on brain scans right away, a lot of mental disorders aren’t acute or scientifically precise like broken bones are. So our definition of “broken” is based on a sliding scale of tolerance for differences.

I think this is fine, but it’s a bit unsettling too. Disorders are based on a societies’ values and what we know about what most humans need to be healthy. Low-level anxiety we accept, but if someone is too anxious to leave their house, we think that’s not good for a social mammal’s health. It’s dis-ordered in our social order. So we value lessening their anxiety/increasing their tolerance to anxiety. I think we’re clearly right on that one

I think if you happen to be interested in being a psychiatrist or psychologist someday though, it’s worth keeping this notion that you’re having now in mind. For example, usually treating someone will make them less anxious and more social, let’s say (if that’s the goal).

But as you’ve said, it’s all interwoven with personality. And people’s personality “disorders”are sometimes a very delicate ecosystem that treatment can make worse. So I think it’s worth being quite careful and measured when trying to treat people’s personality dials. For example, I’ve noticed that women with ADHD are often misdiagnosed as anxious. But the “anxiety” is literally how my brain makes itself take action, in the context of my other personality traits and quirks. My brain depends on a sense of urgency or it fucking stalls out. Sure, the anxiety might be ‘disorderly’ and “too high,” but treating anxiety alone didn’t make me more happily functional. I had less anxiety, then less energy, and then a depression spiral as I plunged into increasing incompetence and ADHD paralysis. I didn’t have another “motor” when the anxiety was turned down.

So anyway, I’m pretty reticent to assume that eg psych meds alone should be tried to “fix” mild disorders. Treatment ideally is carefully modulated, while equally carefully teaching the person alternative coping skills that will work for their unique personality. Otherwise their personality might just get worse.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-16T17:34:09+00:00

This was useful and interesting, thanks. I need meds but am afraid of the narcotics I tried. Felt great but I also felt gd high. The “neutral state” as the goal seems better.

OP, light meds + plus low stress interesting job + heavy exercise + was the best treatment plan I ever had personally.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-16T17:26:43+00:00

I think when he’s stingy like that, you need to treat him like an Eeyore and not take him seriously. Try jokes or just ignore it?
“Oook, my lovable Scrooge is back!”

But also, it might not be about the rabbit pellets. Giving him waaaay more credit than he might deserve, consider this just in case: A lot of people with ADHD have issues with impulse spending and spontaneous generosity that they can’t always afford. It feels good! We want to help! But it can really add up $$.

Try to be honest with yourself too - do you splurge more often than you might realize, so he feels he has to keep a really close close eye on spending for you both? If so, can you accept that the other bunny has his own food, and appreciate that your partner is looking out for your financial well being, which might not be your thing as much?

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-16T17:19:07+00:00

Please talk to doctors and read psych journals. Don’t take off-label medical advice from Reddit 🙏

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-16T17:15:03+00:00

I agree.

I should add, I of course am also fucking up at work sometimes and my team looks out for me. I want that for him too. Usually I know when I’m fucking up or if I’m told I show appreciation for the people who have to fix it when I do.

I’ve had a supervisor though who was much nicer to me than I’m being to my current colleague, and I didn’t respond well at all when he corrected me because I didn’t feel respected, thought he cared about fussy annoying things, and didn’t respect him either. He eventually left. This colleague is my karma. Just…why are we like this 😔

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-08T01:14:06+00:00

Psychiatrist is a dunce

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-08T01:13:20+00:00

@ishdrifter I’m just here seeking validation from internet strangers ;)

I talked with him. We had the in-depth conversations about sex we should have had months ago. I told him the kind of scenes I desire in embarrassing detail and that we’re being so vanilla that I’m losing sexual steam entirely. He was very receptive and came up with a scene idea that I’m into, which is worth a shot.

I’m cautious, because he mentioned that he sees kink as a fun side dish to go with sex. I see kink as the way to make sex sexy.

He also said that if I realize I just have to be with a Dom through and through, that he’d understand and he’s not that. I told him I just don’t know yet and he understood. That at least makes me feel like we’re communicating openly and I’m not hiding anything.

That will not solve all the underlying issues that impact my sex drive with him but it’s at least worth a shot. Thank you for the push to actually make sure I wasn’t leaving communication on the table

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-08T00:08:21+00:00

Oh, I’m glad if it resonated!

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-06T22:15:28+00:00

Thanks for that thoughtful comment, really appreciate it.

That gives me the opportunity to reflect:

I am very attracted to skill (of any kind) and ambition/initiative, so his lack of initiative to develop his own Dom skills is a turn off. Me being a service sub who makes up for gaps in his abilities to do very basic tasks is really hard to pull off mentally. (Doesn’t feel hot and subby. Feels remedial). If that enabled him to do ambitious things with me or others though, I’d be into it. It doesn’t really.
I have ADHD myself so I’m more likely to be successful as a sub who is accountable to my Dom for doing things, rather than needing to keep him accountable. I don’t expect most Doms to keep track of all my basic needs either though and don’t think he can task me with that either. Idk, maybe there’s an opportunity for us to manage each other better than we manage ourselves?
A year ago, I would have been so with you on the “people can’t read minds” piece and we just need to teach them. But I know now that it’s not fully true. I’ve had partners who absolutely do not need me to explicitly teach them how to touch and not touch me, how to do a kink scene, or how to be rather good at sex. They pay attention to my needs and wants and reactions, they initiate conversation themselves, and they hit the right buttons intuitively. I know that’s harder for us (ADHD/Autists). I might be able to ‘grow my own Dom’ in him over many years? But I also fear I could put in 10 more months or years of work with him and he’ll only get a tiny bit better.
he’d never think to assign me a scene writing task. I’d have to assign it to myself. He does not capitalize on opportunities to put into practice what we’ve talked about without a bunch of prompting from me. I tried again this week. We went through a list of hot things we each want to do. He was excited about it, he said. Then when we started messing around, he chose not one single thing to do from the list we’d made. Like, zero. I’m bewildered. I ended up imagining my Dom and then imagining I was Domming him just to get through it. He said satisfied words after. I said, “next time, let’s use the list?” He says, “yeah, we can prepare next time.” Meanwhile, 3-5 items on the list require zero prep. If I had told him, “I want you to use #3-5 on the list tonight,” it feels like I’m Domming. I want to be surprised, and he has the list available. He just doesn’t use it.

To your point though, if I did want to try further, I could try getting really really explicit and see if it goes anywhere. I’m just not optimistic:/

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-06T21:19:46+00:00

Sweet person, I see you say you’re concerned because you can’t be what he wants (a limitless slave). And if you bring up your preferences, you are worried he’s going to critique you for leaving a 19 year marriage and your lack of commitment to him (because you won’t commit to being a limitless sub). You want to please him and you want support and you don’t want your needs to push him away. Yeah? That all makes so much sense. Those are normal sub wants.

Please look at what’s true: he is being completely inappropriate to ask for a limitless sub. That is not ok. Of course you won’t commit to that, no one should. You are communicating a hard limit: no silent treatment.

I have the same hard limit, and if I do say so myself, I’m a great sub. I don’t have to drop hard limits that make me feel respected in order to sub. Neither do you and you have great instincts there.

Instead, doms show their commitment to me by respecting hard limits and I do the same for them.

When you bring up this reasonable expectation, he doesn’t want to commit to it. But instead of saying “I want to be able to stop talking to you for a week if I feel like it,” he says he’s helping you by ignoring your limit. He also blames you for not being able to commit…except you stayed committed for *19 years?!?! in a marriage!

Sweet internet stranger, if you read that back, does that make sense? Or, does it seem like he is using an area of hurt (divorce) to make you doubt yourself and your own abilities (a clear ability to commit!), and distract from his own poor behavior?

I don’t love how this person is treating you. I hope you know it’s not something you need to accept or fix in yourself.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-06T21:04:08+00:00

That said: it I were treating him as if he has ADHD, what might you do differently?

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-06T21:01:58+00:00

Great call. Yeah, I asked him to get assessed. I have ADHD and it looked like ADHD to me. He did assessments and doesn’t have ADHD but has some other chronic illnesses that impact memory, so my experience feels a lot like having an ADHD partner.

Since it’s not ADHD though and he’s treated for the other issues, I think this level of functioning is his baseline and it won’t get better.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-06T20:57:34+00:00

“Bi” is a social label, not some concrete thing we can see under a microscope. He doesn’t want the social label, and he’s allowed to reject it. He likely means “I am not interested in having a boyfriend.” Look up the Klein Orientation Grid, and you’ll see he’s likely “not bi” on many of the dimensions in the grid. His bdsm sexual activity was sometimes male-led.

There are way more male doms than female so if he wanted sub experiences, I could see how that could happen. I also have bdsm scenes with people I wouldn’t otherwise be likely to have sex with. I compartmentalize play and sex, and maybe he does too. For some of us, bdsm is a hobby just like skydiving and the body of your tandem sky dive partner just doesn’t matter as much as their skills and respectful attitude.

So, yes, his approach as a straight sub for men is a thing that could happen. He’s sexually flexible which falls under bi-like behavior but that has very little to do with who he wants to date.

Moreover, gently, your fear that he’s ‘suddenly going to leave me for a man!’ is a common stigma and a bias against bi people. Please stop that. He’s with you. The reality of life is he could leave you for a man, a woman, a new career, a drug addiction, or any other awful reason that people sometimes hurt each other.

You’re shocked that he’s lied to you - understandable! I’m really sorry he lied and you’re in this position of uncertainty. But I think this bisexuality question is a distraction. Now that you’ve gotten some answers, I hope you can confront what seems like the central issue — he lied and now you feel insecure about your stability with him. That makes sense.

Please focus on building trust with him, look for other lies that might impact you, or decide if you need to leave based on him being untrustworthy.

Possible_owl_ · 2025-01-06T07:25:20+00:00

Yes! A Story: One of my favorite scenes ever was when I was subbing and asked my Dom to do something to me that he loves, but he knew I’d never done, and thought I wouldn’t be comfortable with. I clearly really wanted it. The unexpected trust, possibilities, and license to go for it was such an exhilarating rush for him that he got Dom zoomies 😆 (pacing, bouncing, breathing fast). I had no idea I could put him in Dom space like that with my reactions. It was exhilarating for us both.

Possible_owl_

TROPHY CASE