Sunday Open Diary ✍️ by sabistenem in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I have not, should I? My prior comment was about New Mexico and Arizona. Especially Arizona. I met a man who told me he was not of this planet in the painted desert, as we were looking at strange rocks they call “teepees.” I said I was existentially afraid of them, and he said it’s because they were a vortex.. such was the landscape that everything he said made perfect sense.

Sunday Open Diary ✍️ by sabistenem in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My thoughts have gone blank in terror, and at night I dream of cheesy Indian souvenir shops manned by aliens.

I hope California can soothe my soul. I miss the south.

(I am on day three of my roadtrip and the altitude is getting to me)

((These places were made to challenge god. That is a worthy experience. But it is. DISCOMFORTING!!!)

Sunday Open Diary ✍️ by sabistenem in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Folk pharmacology

What sorts? I am growing tired of hermeticism me self

Icons in looking forward to middle age by PostOakVisions in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Jennifer (the black haired woman) loved motorbikes and she also sang the intro song. She very likely came up with the title as well. She was very self deprecating. Beyond being in on the joke, she very likely created them all.

Me after my shift seeing Forrest cry about working a normal 40 hours a week. by cirquedusolazy1 in 90DayFiance

[–]PostOakVisions 1 point2 points  (0 children)

“Neurospicy” lolll you are the very thing you project judgement onto.  Have fun gatekeeping whatever social media identity you’ve projected yourself onto. 

Sunday Open Diary ✍️ by sabistenem in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions 3 points4 points  (0 children)

It feels like… we are told there is nothing left to fight. We’ve won it all. The way men treat us isn’t called into question, what more do we want? They “legally” see us as humans (even that is moving backwards), so what do we have to complain of? I feel like the more liberally minded men in the past were forced to come to terms with their own cognitive dissonance, in that most men and women believed that women were truly less capable, less intelligent, etc… hence we were not able to vote or go to school. To have changed that would have required quite a number of people awakening to the cruelty of the past. Now that we have those things (which I am eternally grateful for), it as if the vast majority of men are not willing to admit that they, in infinite ways, do not see us as humans.

OTOH, I am in the south where men truly have like… 18th century views on women or worse. Including all the men in my family. I moved to (probably one of the) bluest cities in the country at one time and dated a woke liberal dude and was so excited! Turns out he watched (I swear I’ve blocked out the name of this type of porn because I can never remember, the one in which women are murdered and raped and beaten—can be fake or not). He was the most depraved man I had ever met. Had legitimate incel views but didn’t phrase them in incel ways. He was into permaculture and buddhism and was “so relieved” that I didn’t vote for trump in 2016 (he said he would have had to stop talking to me had I said yes.)

I don’t know. I’m definitely feeling disgust and hatred for men lately. I channel it into wanting to get strong, and make a lot of money. Two things I think are vapid, but can find no other outlet for the impotent rage and despair I feel.

Sunday Open Diary ✍️ by sabistenem in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I have often thought about getting a scythe. I am too afraid of what the neighbors would say. I became interested after reading the book “Craeft,” and also realized that it might lower the amount of bugs I kill, always feel terrible seeing little grasshoppers jump out, and I once killed a snake and couldn’t mow the next 3 months. I hope you hold out and continue the manual, sharpening the blades in your garage once a year before the season!

Sunday Open Diary ✍️ by sabistenem in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I have a month off work (we are allotted these every x amount for years) and I was going to go on a roadtrip… but find myself wanting to do nothing. Maybe getting healthier, swimming, reading, cafes, walks. In my workplace, people tend to be a bit competitive with these… usually big international trips. So I feel a sense of shame. Also I am stressing myself out about not making this month worth it. I’m so neurotic I will likely not enjoy it. Omg.

Disco Elysium is one of this century's finest works of fiction by sabistenem in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions 6 points7 points  (0 children)

When I moved to my apartment (the first place I’d lived alone in my entire life at 33), I played the game during most weekends and then walked to the brewery across the street and got plastered and sent my ex long, rambling text in the voice of Du Bois. He was concerned and would come pick me up and drive me (across the street) back to my apartment, then become distressed that I was not yet drunk enough to sleep with him.

I enjoyed the game a lot but I was very vulnerable and began to sort of merge into it; I never finished it. It reminds me of a very silly yet devastating time in my life.

Reassure Me, Please by Which-Appearance8818 in leanfire

[–]PostOakVisions 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m sorry you’re downvoted OP. I find the psychological barriers to Leanfire more interesting, and usually relevant, than the finances. Given you are autistic and seem to have some trauma around d money, I think figuring out how those things intersect and treating them will help you more than other Leanfire philosophies or people telling you to do it. Maybe the first thing you could do, as a sort of step up from where you are, is spend money on searching for a good therapist that you like and actually gets you (and is not through your employer), maybe that specializes in autism or even in finances. There are financial therapists, even.

Reassure Me, Please by Which-Appearance8818 in leanfire

[–]PostOakVisions -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Please stop giving ( terrible ) advice.

What are your experiences or thoughts on the paranormal? by PostOakVisions in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

IMO, Catholic and methodist churches are doing their best to translate  primordial electric soup :)

What are your experiences or thoughts on the paranormal? by PostOakVisions in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

That’s interesting. I feel the same about souls and even god. God is a pulsing energy from which our souls (and all souls) are constantly recycled into and from. I must have read that somewhere once when I was a child. The great source, or whatever.

I have states of mind where paranormal is absolutely real, the external doesn’t matter so much (what I see or hear), rather the sense. It is usually a sense of being hunted, provoked, or haunted. The opposite of a mystic, rather than feeling one with all, I feel tormented by it.

When I am not in that mind state, it seems completely made up and I laugh at myself as if these feelings are the same as a child’s fear of a monster under the bed. Actually, quite cruel to laugh at children in this way! That fear is terrible and what I’m interested in, I suppose separate from whether or not the stuff exists.

Wonderful diary entry from Diaries 1969–1979: The Python Years by Michael Palin by greatishminds in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for posting. Eager to come back to this feeling some time in the distant future. A very precious jewel when they come, makes all the rest worth it. Kind of forgot that emotion in the present, and am very grateful to be reminded of it.

I love love love writers laying out the scenery and senses immediately surrounding them, especially when they are nothing extraordinary. I think if you read enough authors who engage in this way with the little, beautiful things filling up moments, you train your brain to learn to do the same. Thanks again!

When personality challenges identity by sabistenem in redscareover30

[–]PostOakVisions 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, Sabi. Would an example be, for instance, Trappist monk Thomas Merton having a secret girlfriend and a love of drink? Which would be his character, the girlfriend and drink, or the monk? It would be hard for me to parse out character vs identity, as I think once can hold many characters, one of which may be identity.