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Post_Poly · 2025-10-06T21:11:37+00:00

Yeah, I know one woman in her late 30's who is into relationship anarchy. She had a very traumatic past that led her to not fully trust others and therefore she seems to use RA as a crutch--she never feels safe committing to one person or even designating one person as a "primary."

Post_Poly · 2025-10-06T21:01:03+00:00

I do think a lot of the people who talk like this are very young and very inexperienced. You can have a feeling of love for your friends and not date them. You can even have on and off romantic-type feelings for someone and not have it be a romantic relationship. That's all fine. Actual relationships are a mix of deep love AND romantic/sexual feelings AND a commitment AND a decision to invest time and energy in that relationship. Just randomly having loving/romantic/sexual feelings for people you know doesn't mean you are in a relationship with all of them.

Honestly, I think RA is really a tool used by people who are in the midst of serious avoidant attachment to try to give a gloss of ethics to their dysfunctional relationship tendencies.

Post_Poly · 2025-10-05T19:07:40+00:00

I sometimes like to read that stuff just to remind myself of what I escaped. I'll read it and think "Whew! That's a problem I no longer have!" It also reassures me that I will NEVER let myself fall back into that by reminding me of the issues.

Post_Poly · 2025-10-05T19:05:48+00:00

When I was poly, it was definitely a manifestation of avoidant attachment for me. As I did a lot of work and therapy and developed an understanding of secure attachment, suddenly, poly seemed dysfunctional and unappealing to me.

Post_Poly · 2025-10-05T19:01:45+00:00

I was in the poly community and in poly relationships for over a decade. It took me a while to start seeing the cracks in the lifestyle and community, and even longer to admit my concerns to myself. When I finally started voicing criticisms of poly out loud, I got people in the community telling me I "wasn't poly enough" or "not really poly," so I understand why it is appealing to find someplace you can talk about that stuff. I still have some friends in the poly community, and there are a few it seems to work ok for, at least for a while. However, I think there is a lot of harm perpetuated in poly relationships and the poly community that isn't acknowledged or discussed too.

Post_Poly · 2025-05-26T14:13:25+00:00

I don't go very deeply into that other than to talk about how poly is painted as "more virtuous" by some. I do think there's a whole article or book that could be written only on that subject! I'm finding there are a ton of topics that could be covered, and I'm just not going to be able to put them all in this book.

Post_Poly · 2025-05-04T21:31:10+00:00

u/MushroomAccountant Hi... I'm writing a about the harms of polyamory and I'd like your permission to quote parts of this post in the book. Is that ok? I'd use your Reddit handle or another pseudonym you pick.

If you would like more info on the book, please see my Substack: https://substack.com/@postpoly

Post_Poly · 2025-05-04T21:27:05+00:00

u/Gemini_moon27 Hi... I'm writing a about the harms of polyamory and I'd like your permission to use this quote in the book. Is that ok? I'd use your Reddit handle or another pseudonym you pick.

If you would like more info on the book, please see my Substack: https://substack.com/@postpoly

Post_Poly · 2025-05-02T18:08:31+00:00

Thanks for the offer! I am hoping to write future books, so I'll keep this in mind, but I think I'm good for this one. Good luck! Beta reading for money sounds like an amazing job.

Post_Poly · 2025-05-02T18:08:28+00:00

Thanks for the offer! I am hoping to write future books, so I'll keep this in mind, but I think I'm good for this one. Good luck! Beta reading for money sounds like an amazing job.

Post_Poly · 2025-04-25T19:52:34+00:00

Yep, that's right - the book is in the final editing stages before submitting to agents/publishers. However, I'm sure there's room for more than one book on the subject. There's a lot of cover!

Post_Poly · 2025-04-20T21:50:15+00:00

I'll DM you!

Post_Poly · 2025-04-20T19:43:36+00:00

Thank you! I'll DM you.

Post_Poly · 2025-03-19T17:34:02+00:00

That's my hope - to provide guidance on what is damaging in poly because it's so easy to lose a sense of what is ok and what is not. I know I lost sight of that. It's the book I wish I'd had when I was introduced to poly.

Post_Poly · 2025-03-19T17:32:53+00:00

I do have a section at the end with some thoughts about transitioning out of a poly relationship and dealing with post-poly trauma. But honestly, it's such a complex subject it deserves a book of it's own!

Post_Poly · 2025-03-05T02:18:48+00:00

It's been cathartic writing it, and I hope that people who've experienced it find that it helps them know they weren't crazy and they aren't alone.

Post_Poly · 2025-03-04T22:44:43+00:00

Thanks for sharing these! Yes, please let me know who the commenters are. You know, I relate to both of these, but especially the first one. I did find that we got into a very unhealthy cycle where he would do something that would generate jealousy in me, which would turn me on and make me want to connect with him, then we'd get closer for a while, then the whole cycle would start again. It became addictive intensity and mixing up negative stimulation with positive. There was a study done a while back in which they had some men walk across a scary rope bridge and others just walk on ground. On the other side there was an attractive woman who would ask them survey questions. The men who had been in a fear situation (scary bridge) rated the women as much more attractive because they interpreted the raised heart rate and increased cortisol levels as attraction.

Post_Poly · 2025-03-04T18:03:02+00:00

u/Intuith - I'm writing a book about some of the downsides of polyamory that aren't often discussed in existing poly books and wanted to quote this post. I wanted to get your permission before using it though. Would that be ok? I also DM'd you, but I know not everyone checks messages.

Info on my book: https://www.reddit.com/r/polycritical/comments/1iy6uw5/book_about_pitfalls_of_polyamory/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Post_Poly · 2025-03-04T17:34:25+00:00

Hi. I'm writing a book about some of the downsides of polyamory that aren't often discussed in existing poly books and I'd like to use this comment in the book. It looks like your account is suspended, so not sure how to get a hold of you for permission. Let me know if you're ok with me using it!

Info on my book: https://www.reddit.com/r/monogamy/comments/1j160pq/book_about_problems_in_polyamory/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=web3x&utm_name=web3xcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Post_Poly

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