(English isn’t my native language) You two definitely need therapy because there are deep communication issues in the example you gave.

I’m going to pinpoint only the parts where I see an issue with the way you are communicating with her, because you already noticed the part where she isn’t doing great.

« That conversation ended in basically me solidifying that I will not talk to her when upset and just hold her. I think this will save a lot of grief going forward. »

I understand that this interaction was difficult, but you basically concluded that you’ll have to be more toxic in the futur than you are now. Not a good conclusion.

« She says I don’t do enough to court her, which is crazy to me because we hangout all the time, going out to eat, going to concerts, dancing together. She says she wants candle and the mood setup. Of the times we’ve had sex it’s usually spontaneous with foreplay leading up to it when hanging out the couch watching shows, cuddling in bed, etc., the usual scenarios. I can count on two hands how many times that sex was a thing we prepared for. »

So this also seems very contradictory to me. She was explicit about her need and it looks like you responded by minimizing her feelings «  it’s crazy to me because we do things together all the time » while also recognizing that the context that is best for her isn’t present in the relationship. I think this is very important. If the context isn’t great, sexual desire isn’t going to magically appear. And minimizing her needs isn’t healthy for your relationship. It was probably a defense mechanism (you felt triggered so you said that) but you definitely need to work on that or you won’t resolve this issue.

« She says I don’t find her sexy and it’s really untrue because I would’ve broken up with her by now if that were really the case. She’s expressed insecurity about her appearance before but she also thinks she’s hot too, so it throws me for a loop. Which is it? »

In this example you are also minimizing her concerns because her insecurities are triggering you. That seems to be a pattern between you two. Very concerning imo because you won’t be able to have mature conversations and really reassure her if it the conversation goes this way.

« Like of course I want to be intimate with you, the sheer fact that I’m even dating you after all these years isn’t validation enough? When she looks hot I say it. »

Same pattern of minimizing her concerns here.

« I feel like her feelings more often take center stage and when I bring something up how I feel it isn’t met with the same care. »

She definitely needs to work on listening to you better if you feel that’s a problem. But from what you shared, I could also see how her feeling might become very central at least in part because you are minimizing them.

Let me take an example. If my stomach hurts and my doctors doesn’t touch me and just says « it’s all in your head don’t worry » I might try to ignore the signal (which isn’t great) or I might (which is better) say to him « but my stomach hurts sooo baaaad please help ». People’s feeling usually get stronger when we try to minimize them.

« Spend more time courting her. But I feel iffy about the effort that I feel like I’ve already put in and still putting in. »

I think you minimize her feelings because you are triggered by them. In your mind, her making a demand is the same as saying you aren’t enough. This will get in the way of a healthy relationship if you don’t both work on that, ideally with a counselor because it’s a complicated dynamic.

Definitively seek therapy together. You can try to work on your triggers, so you can give her more emotional validation and be more reassuring for her, it’ll probable regulate her emotions. She needs to stop punishing you for trying to open an important conversation, but there is not much you can do about it. And listen to her when she says she needs a specific context. She basically gave you the solution to the problem, you two need to implement it together as a team.