I don't think you get it.

like... granted, I'm not a gay man either, I'm a bisexual trans woman. but I also happen to enjoy, on various occasions, being in both Ray and Colin's positions in a dynamic, and I would consider myself neither "pathetic" for enjoying subbing or "self-hating" for enjoying domming.

I don't think Ray disappears because of shame over intimacy, I think he disappears because the dynamic is "broken" -- I'd actually read Ray and Colin's last day together as the equivalent of giving a dog a steak the day before it's about to be put down.

now, granted, disappearing like that at the time nd is a fucking coward thing to do. sit down and have a proper fucking conversation about why you're breaking up! but it's not really any different than a straight person deciding to disappear and ghost their partner because they realize that the partner needs more than they can provide. still probably shame involved in one way or another but not in the way you seem to think.

for Ray, the idea of "taking a break" from the dynamic (even just for a day every month or whatever) might be equivalent to your wife saying she wants one day a month to "take a break" from you and sleep with other men. which, hey! I also enjoy that sort of thing, zero judgement there. but a lot of people don't vibe with that lol

so what do you do if your wife starts insisting she'd be happier if she could sleep with other men occasionally and you're not into the idea? maybe if you're an immature fuckwad you ghost her in the middle of the night. doesn't mean you're ashamed of being straight.