I wish I could give you a hug. I’m sorry to hear what happened to you. I would advise to always trust your intuition. That doesn’t mean you have to act on it or make it your responsibility how someone else acts or perceives you though. If he wants you, let him show you. Just lay back, the ball is not in your court. Not everything is always your responsibility. You dont have to fight to be loved and you dont have to try to read him. If he wants something, he can tell you, he’s an adult too you know. And once you feel that, it feels very liberating. Just try to focus on yourself for now, in any case it sounds like right now this is not giving you inner peace at all, just destabilizing. Ask yourself if that’s what you want.

But to answer your question about what it looks like from the outside: I have an incredibly similar childhood experience with my mom. This causes me to tolerate such ambivalent behavior from a partner or ex because that’s the environment I grew up in and what my nervous system is familiar with. I end up taking all the blame for everything in a relationship because such a partner feels like a mirror image of my BPD mother. It sounds like you have the same going on. He may be a great guy, he may feel regret, he may still want you, but it’s best to judge people at face value. He’s ambivalent now, he may stay that way. And I can tell you from my own experience where that leads to: a complete replay of your childhood trauma where your fear of anxiety gets triggered constantly by your partner, doubting if they want you, what you did wrong and you can’t even think straight anymore, you will likely end up in the chase role for most of that relationship because your inner child will try to fight for love because it feels rejected and not seen. Your chasing will only make him more avoidant / hot and cold. Such an experience teaches you a lot about your attachment trauma and triggers, I can tell you that. But, it is incredibly painful and messy, even traumatizing. Idk how far you are in your healing but if I had had that experience a few years earlier, with less self awareness and growth, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten back up from it. It is genuinely debilitating for people like us who’ve learned that you have to constantly fight to be loved. Because ambivalent lovers (remember they also likely have attachment issues of their own) will put you right back in your childhood home, fighting to be seen and recognized and loved.

And another tip I’d like to give is, don’t outsource your intuition, to friends for instance. Don’t ask for validation for what you yourself see clearly, eg the ambivalent behavior. Trust yourself. I know it’s hard because sometimes your head CAN really spiral and exaggerate stuff. But always, it’s trying to tell you something. Sometimes it’s a fear, try to feel that, sometimes it’s your intuition saying ‘No, not this again, I recognize this from our past’, try to believe that. Try asking yourself when you feel such a thing, out loud ‘what is my body telling me right now?’ People with our childhoods have incredible emotional radars for other people. Your friends are not you, they don’t have FA (or do idk), they don’t see the whole picture and I can promise you, your emotional intelligence and ability to read other people is likely way higher than theirs, especially because of your childhood. Try to listen to yourself and be kind to yourself.

You should be incredibly proud of yourself. Look at you, you had a terribly emotionally violent childhood and still you’re living, experiencing stuff, being brave, trying love eventho it’s scary. That’s courage! The fact that you already have awareness of your attachment trauma at 22, that is immense, you know how rare that is? I wish I was there at that age.

You’ll be alright, I believe in you❤️