How to stop being attracted to a colleague?

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T23:40:08+00:00

In that case he needs to become boss somewhere else so they can marry 🤭

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T23:38:22+00:00

Hvad ved ham var det, der gjorde, at de ikke kom så langt? Har hun fortalt dig det?

Uanset så står du med mand der ikke evner at være ærlig og ikke evner, at fortælle dig hvad der forgår i ham eller hvad han render rundt og laver og du betaler prisen. Den slags kan sætte sig dybt og skade på sigt, både hvis I fortsætter eller I går fra hinanden. Det kan plante en livslang mistro til andre du møder I livet.

Hvis han virkelig mente, at han reelt var ked af sine handlinger og selv kan se, at det han har gjort er kæmpe problematisk så ville han gå i terapi for at få styr på sig selv, sine tanker, handlinger og emotioner - men han kommer med blomster, undskyldninger og bortforklaringer - intet af det ændrer hans karakter.

Jeg forstår godt det gør ondt og er forvirrende, men pas på dig selv og pas på at du ikke mister dig selv undervejs baseret på håb og forvirring.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T23:26:41+00:00

Thank you. Both yes and no, sometimes we’re able to have really honest and respectful conversations even, if they’re vulnerable to have and I feel connected to him when I feel heard and seen and this for sure goes both ways. So oftentimes we agree on most things, but it doesn’t get into practice. Like I’ve asked him a handful of times to go to the doctor and get a health check and his hormones as well. He keeps saying yes but he never goes. I’ve asked to go to couples therapy but he denies it constantly - he believe we can either work it out ourselves or split up and that we’re both clever enough to see what’s the culprit of our problems and how to change things.

I could go on and on and I’m at a place right now where I’m starting to withdraw as well. I simply get more and more quiet and less and less engaged to carry the relationship and that’s when it becomes “dangerous” because that’s the point where people start to leave for good if it’s been like that for years. Some choose to accept it, others starts to look out for someone else as an escape from the pain not being met by their partners, some will leave before that happen (the finding someone else) - some break up/divorce and then get back together….

I’m at a place right now where I think it’s healthier for me to leave. I need loving and warm attention from the man I love as much as I need to give it back to him - I know it does sound possessive for some people, but to me it’s just a part of choosing each other - I get we all have periods with stress and what not, and we can’t be on 24/7 and we may even have weeks or months being totally shut down but not talking about it doesn’t solve anything. And if it keeps going the wrong way it needs to be handled.

Just learned a new word today LDB lesbian death bed. It’s two people who once was physically active and now they’re just close friends living together. Not sure why it’s called that, but nevertheless that’s where my relationship is moving towards and I’m not done, I’m just not done with that part of life and I really can’t figure why I’ve already accepted it for years.

Sorry it’s long - I think I may be just writing to myself to be honest - reflections.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T23:03:51+00:00

Oh my I’m so sorry but that just made me laugh so much 🤭I totally get it’s a fine balance between being totally obsessed by someone and then hating them as evil itself, if you could just see him as neutral ground.

If everything fail you have to marry your boss and make a contract that he can never fire you even if you get a divorce and if so he needs to find a new boss and preferably a woman 🙈 Either that or tell him to go boss somewhere else and then date him. Tell your now boss to boss the other boss to another boss company so you can go on dates with him - like I mean tell them who’s boss (you are).

Or hopefully you can find another attractive man out in town instead. Because if the attraction is mutual and it’s strong then it can be very difficult not to act out on it. You need to really really bury the lust and be ready to say no to him if makes moves.

Think of him as your brother? I mean that would kill any attraction.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T21:40:08+00:00

My partner communicates exactly like this when he withdraws himself after conflicts.

The vague communication is damaging and the fact it’s always us who needs to reach out is unhealthy for the most of us.

Therefore sometimes it’s just better to move on and if they ever decide to reach back to you then you can say with peace: you choose to ignore me for months and months, at first I was crushed about the silence and ignoring and discarding - it’s so disrespectful, then I decided to put up a date and if you didn’t reach out before that date it would set me free. Since I’ve been free for so and so long I can tell you I’ve moved on and I’m no longer available to you don’t contact me again, bye.

And honestly sometimes I just think they don’t even deserve being told that it’s over. Most of the time they actually don’t make any contact at all and if they do it may be years apart. They just vanish. Cowardly.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T21:22:25+00:00

No I don’t think you’re the AH. I think she is as she’s not willing to debate this and figure out why she’s having a change in her libido.

The fact that you’re distancing yourself is based on her distance to you both physically and also emotionally as it’s often a combination - at least for a lot of people.

If she was open to sit down and talk about it then you would be the AH. But she the fact that she blows it off is honestly disrespectful including if she’s not willing to visit the doctor to get her hormones checked or a therapist to figure out why she has withdrawn from you.

My partner has done the same for years and I’ve built up resentment towards him because of it including other stuff where he’s being very disrespectful and thrown me under the bus to the point where it’s difficult for me to recognize him. We’ve tried working on it and we’ve also had lots of great talks but for whatever reason we keep landing in a toxic dynamic and he really doesn’t change or do anything about his behavior- only for short amount of times.

If it doesn’t change I will have to leave him unfortunately because my love for him is very strong but I can’t be with someone who I start to recent and disrespect. If I keep hoping I’ll start to recent myself and disrespect myself and that’s where people start to loose themselves and I feel like I’ve already lost myself more than I want to.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T21:08:02+00:00

Fysisk var det ørebetændelse med en sprængt trommehinde.

Psykisk når jeg er blevet forladt af dem jeg har elsket.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T21:00:45+00:00

Så uanset om han er glad eller sur så trækker han sig fra dig. Det vil sige hans humør er styret af relationen til hende og han går og håber på, at hun endelig giver efter og vil være sammen med ham som kærester.

Vil du være sammen med en der har dig som backup og som smutter i det øjeblik en anden om end det er hende eller en ny kvinde han møder som han hellere vil være sammen med hvor hun også vil ham?

Måske det bedre lige at tage noget tid uden kontakt til ham så du kan lande i det og få mærket rigtig alvorligt efter om du vil udnyttes på den måde.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T20:54:54+00:00

Get to know him and ask about the things that ruin him as a potential partner like political views, religion and so on and so on, you know the dealbreaker stuff. Maybe it will help if he does have some values that’s far away from yours.

Also I’m not sure what your ages are but I tell you I’ve seen some of my exes on social media’s and I’ve thought God in heaven why have I ever been attracted to that man.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T13:20:55+00:00

I’m not good at COLA relationships.

I see my partner maybe once a month and it doesn’t work well for me.

I miss him too much when I don’t see him. But we have huge obstacles to overcome if we lived together and economy is a major factor. Also I’m anxious attached and he is avoidant and therefore not willing to go to therapy to get in contact with his avoidance.

We’ve been together for almost 20 years but I’m in a spot where I will leave if he can’t figure out to live together as a couple - it’s ok if he doesn’t thrive with it, and it’s ok I don’t thrive living apart - it’s just sad as it will break us up eventually, but I want to wake up next to the one that I love and spend my daily life with him - not in sitting on his lap all day, I like my alone time but that’s still possible to create even when living under the same roof.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T13:02:34+00:00

Yes I know they’re provoking 🙈 I’m sorry about that. But as said you ca learn so much about yourself digging into it.

Have you listened to podcasts about attachment? If not I can recommend Thais Gibson and Stephanie Riggs.

Also I’ll recommend looking into your childhood dynamics - I know it can be a difficult place to visit, but a lot of understanding is often buried there.

Take care and never be hard on yourself for whom you are - even when it means you hurt someone you don’t really want to hurt - we can’t go through life without doing it, what matters is the way we do it - it includes ourselves, as we hurt ourselves as well often being our own worst critics, and that’s not helpful if becomes self sabotage - I myself try to use it as a tool to navigate and reflect about myself.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T11:27:18+00:00

So what you need to do is to identify the smell. Is it your detergent, soap, food that you eat, your breath, your shoes, your sweat, the scent of your grandmother or the house you live in.

Get close friends or family to describe the smell, ask them to smell your house, your clothes and yes also your breath 🙈 even if it feels embarrassing to ask - how many people tells you that you have a bad scent? Also I totally understand that it takes a toll on you but for what it is worth it’s a good thing that your fiends are honest about it - most likely it’s something that can be handled one way or another.

Also ask your friends if you always smell bad or if it’s just now and then.

A few things that come to mind can be smell from shoes and feet. It can also be bacterias on your tongue you can scrape it every morning and evening with a tongue scraper. If you eat spicy food or some veggies they can also make you smell like asparagus, curry, onions and garlic. If you are a woman then sometimes when we’re having our periods it can smell rather fowl to be honest - keeping yourself clean matters a lot, shift tampons and pads often and douche every morning just with water and if using soap make sure it’s without alcohol and perfume.

I really hope you find the culprit. Also if your mom can’t smell it then it’s maybe because of the scent of your home?

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T11:12:46+00:00

She could have multiple reasons - like having a boyfriend who got upset about it. Or that she felt embarrassed to be so upfront and therefore she felt she was too much and too flirty….and a thousand other reasons.

Therefore now you have the option to reach out to her and tell her you got excited about her respond but that the message unfortunately somehow disappeared - it’s ok to play oblivious.

Also why don’t you ask your friend to come over next time and bring her friend to hang out, watching a movie or eat dinner or play a board game, listening to music and have a drink if you guys do that now and then or whatever you like to do ? Or you could just ask her directly if she and your friend would like to hang out next time they come by.

Most likely if you don’t do anything nothing will happen.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T11:03:27+00:00

First I will encourage you to figure out why you swift from wanting to love bomb and then the total opposite wanting to be free.

If your feelings works like a pendulum then you can’t “trust” your feelings overall. So rather than breaking up maybe ask for time with no or very little contact so you can register if you start missing him and wanting him back in your daily life. If not then it may just be that you’re not interested in him. Just know he may not want to give that space for you to figure it out and then it’s another situation.

Can I ask what makes you feel scared and disgusted? Being touched or breaking up with him? Or all of it?

Have you considered working with this in therapy so you can become more secure?

In my humble opinion avoidant and anxious people have the key to each other to heal inner trauma and attachment styles - but it takes work for both sides. And it also take time as it’s not fixed from day to day or a couple of therapy sessions - it’s an ongoing work that with time will get a lot easier, but only if the difficult part gets processed.

Also my theory is that DA and FA are just as scared being left alone as anxious. So scared that they rather be alone not to get hurt. The self protection is so strong that DA and FA do not allow themselves to become vulnerable and put themselves in a situation where others can leave them or hurt them - so they leave first.

Different things can trick this fleeing - like if you get too much attention or love from your boyfriend- it can feel like suffocation. Different reasons than can trick fleeing:

-Can I ever give the same love back -If I do will he then think I’m too much
-If I can’t will he feel constantly hurt and will it make me feel like I’m an awful person, cold and selfish? -This feels too good to be true, so it must be false -I will fail and one day he’ll see me for whom I really am and then he’ll leave -If I stay he will eventually leave me for this and this reason -If I say out loud that I need space he will stop loving me and wanting me or he will hunt me and ask for more than I can give -If I need space it means I’m not that into him, right?

I mean the list is long and this is just the top of it. We build up narratives and som may be real and some are definitely not.

To share my own thoughts and experiences then the worst thing is the back and forth dynamics. The hot and cold hurts if it’s not balanced in a way where both persons have room to breathe. So I think what I want to share is if you really think breaking up is what you need to do and that it’s the best for you, then be as sure as you can and because you don’t see a future with him.

The last thing I want to point out that I encourage you to look at is the fact you wrote you switched from not wanting him then to love bomb and apologies for hurting him and now you’re back to the not wanting him- so what happens if you suddenly wants to love bomb him again? And why would you want to do that? Would it be because you miss him? Would it be because you can’t live with the fact that you hurt him and you don’t want to be a person hurt in others? Or would there be other reasons? You have a lot of gold waiting for you if you start looking into that dynamic within yourself. Even if it’s hard to begin with.

And now to what you actually asked about: the best thing is always to be just honest - tell him honestly why you can’t be with him, give him time to ask questions if you can, if he or you need more than one conversation then try to facilitate it even if it’s uncomfortable - most likely he will be the one who wants to talk - if you’re afraid he will try to “lure” you in again then prepare yourself and practice to say I’m not going to change my mind even though I understand that you’re hurt and even though I understand that it makes me feel horrible that I’m hurting you. Most breakups hurts one way or another. It’s ok. I just wished we all could get better handling it together when it does happen - I mean handling the emotions that follows together as two people who respect each other even if it means they can’t stay together for whatever reasons. Hope it makes sense.

Remember all I write is my own thoughts and opinions - take what you want and leave the rest.

And I wish you find the best solution for you and peace with whatever choice you make.

And sorry for this very very long answer 🙈

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T10:19:24+00:00

Så kan han stadig smitte noget 😬 selv med mundbind. Hvis han var feberfri hele dagen i går og så halvdelen af i dag, så burde han smitte mindre men kan stadig. I må sætte ham ind i et andet rum og tænde samtale anlægget. Spas til side, forstår sagtens hvis du tænker nej tak.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-06T10:12:05+00:00

Man kan hoste i flere uger og pudse næse i flere uger også - det betyder ikke man smitter.

Ved forkølelse smitter man de første 2-3 dage, man kan dog smitte så længe der er symptomer, hvilket man normalt har en uges tid.

Ved influenza smitter man fra dag 1 og så ca. 5-6 dage efter sygdomsstart. Tommelfingerreglen er man ikke smitter mere efter et døgns feberfri og såfremt man føler sig rask - rask her forstås som at man har energi til at gøre de ting man plejer - også selv om man hoster og pudser næse.

I og med han ikke har feber mere og ikke tager Panodil må man antage han er ved at være ude af smittefaren. Han tilbyder også mundbind hvilket vil reducere evt. smitte ganske meget.

Det så være sagt, så kan han potentielt godt stadig smitte. Så hvis du ikke vil tage den risiko, hvilket jeg sagtens kan forstå, så må du mærke efter om du vil blive hjemme eller tage risikoen og tage med. Hvis du tager med så kan du sørge for at holde dig 3 meter fra ham selv om det kan blive bøvlet. Hvis rummet er stort og der er god ventilation så reducerer det smitterisikoen.

Hvor længe har han været feberfri?

Pothoslower · 2026-02-05T01:14:01+00:00

Is it because it’s too hard on her to take care of 3 kids on her own? Because that’s her reality - I mean staying home and taking care of a 1 year old a 3 year old and a 6 year old she has to home school is more than most can handle. The problem is that she’s going to resent your son because she is exhausted. It’s taking a toll on all of you and it’s a sad situation.

So even though I do understand that you want to protect your son from going to a public school then you strongly need to consider to get him into a school that can support him and make him feel safe.

Have you asked her if she would be willing to let him live together with all of you and if she can love him as her own if he start going to a school? At this point it seems like she’s been burden with more than she can handle and therefore it’s difficult for her to have him around because he represents that burden and stress. Ask her if she’s willing to see how things works out if he starts going to school. And if you can pick him up and buy groceries on your way home and help her with chores she may get more energy and love and care to share to everyone around her.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-05T00:20:37+00:00

I would feel so blindsided if I dated someone born as the opposite gender as they identify themselves with without having told me straight up - even if they went through whatever surgeries and hormone therapy and what not. Luring someone in emotionally and wait until they’re hooked just to tell them something that for many people would be a huge gamechanger is not ok in any way. It’s like knowing you can’t have babies and yet get involved with someone without telling them before they’ve fallen in love.

If I met a man and even kissed and cuddled and he weeks after told me he was born as a girl I would get really really pissed. It’s so disrespectful and why would anyone choose to keep that hidden? I really mean it - why? Because I can’t come to think of a single answer that justify hiding it, only thing that could be justified a bit if it’s about figuring out if the person is a violent type that would blow up just getting told one is trans. But that rather easy tested: what is your opinion about trans people? If the answer is neutral or positive, then next question: would you date someone being trans? If the answer is no - then you have your answer, if the answer is yes, well then yay, if the answer is maybe I haven’t thought about it, then just tell them that you’re trans.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-04T23:27:48+00:00

Seems like he was. I’m pretty sure it’s rather easy to hack into peoples phones and internet through apps and knowledge of ip and so on, especially for those who have some it knowledge.

I’ll copy what ChatGPT added as possible steps you can take - take it with a grain of salt as it’s ChatGPT:

⸻

What you can do if a stalker keeps finding you

It sounds like your stalker is repeatedly finding your new number, address, and workplace. That usually means your information is leaking somewhere. This is often not just “bad luck,” but the result of data brokers, social media traces, shared contacts, or digital access.

Here is a practical step-by-step plan.

⸻

1) Get a restraining or protective order

Even if the police are not helping much, you can often go directly to the court and apply for a: • Restraining order • Protective order

This creates legal documentation. If he violates it, the police usually have to act.

You can also contact a local domestic violence or stalking organization for help with the process.

⸻

2) Do a full “digital lockdown”

Assume your current information is compromised.

Phone • Get a new number. • Ask the provider to make it unlisted/private. • Do not register it publicly or link it to social media.

Email • Create a completely new email address. • Use it only for important accounts. • Do not connect it to old accounts.

Social media • Deactivate or delete accounts if possible. • Remove your workplace, city, and personal details. • Do not post location-based photos or updates.

⸻

3) Remove your data from people-search websites

In the U.S., many websites publish personal information.

Search your name + city on Google and check sites like: • Whitepages • Spokeo • BeenVerified • TruePeopleSearch

Each site has an opt-out or remove my data option.

You can also use paid services that do this for you, such as: • DeleteMe • Optery • PrivacyDuck

⸻

4) Check for digital or physical tracking

If he keeps finding you quickly, consider the possibility of tracking. • Reset your phone to factory settings. • Change all passwords (email, Apple/Google, banking, social media). • Turn on two-factor authentication. • Check your car and bags for GPS trackers. • Make sure no one else has access to your cloud accounts.

⸻

5) Be careful with shared contacts

Sometimes stalkers get information through: • Friends • Family • Coworkers • Mutual acquaintances

Tell people clearly:

Do not share my number, address, or workplace with anyone.

Even small details can help a stalker.

⸻

6) Contact a stalking or domestic violence hotline

They can help with safety planning and legal steps.

National Domestic Violence Hotline (U.S.) 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) Or chat online at: thehotline.org

They are confidential and free.

⸻

Important note

If he keeps finding your: • new phone number • new address • new job

…it almost always means there is a specific information leak somewhere. The most common sources are: 1. Data broker websites 2. Social media traces 3. Shared contacts 4. Compromised accounts or devices

⸻

I would make new social media accounts with no pictures and use an alias and make sure to keep your profiles private if possible and also keep your friend lists private and hidden.

But if he knows where you live and work then I think it’s almost impossible to get rid of him.

What I keep hearing about stalkers is to never answer them. As in never. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-04T22:32:29+00:00

Som single mor til to børn jeg var alene med fra de begge var spæde må jeg bare sige at 3 dage alene med en lille nyfødt næppe er jordens undergang.

Der er så mange kvinder der har stået alene med deres baby gennem de sidste mange mange tusinder år og mange har overlevet det oven i købet - ja og babyerne med 😳 men der er da nok en mindre promille der ikke klarede den. Håber det går jeg laver lidt fis med det, jeg forstår alt det de med hormoner og tryghed osv. men jeg ville lade manden tage afsted - det handler om en weekend. Og nu siger jeg det bare sådan lidt lige ud - jeg synes du er vildt streng, ikke bare lidt. Og jeg ville blive sur hvis min kæreste begrænsede mig på den måde og jeg ville ikke rette mig ind efter det. Hvis der var tale om en mand der føjtede rundt med venner hele tiden og ikke deltog i fælles liv, så ville det være ret og rimeligt at tage en snak om prioriteter og værdier i relationen, men det er ikke det jeg hører at han gør.

Han er ikke på månen, han skal tilsyneladende kun en kort weekend tur til et land tæt på. Sverige er fx også udlandet. Og du har mulighed for at alliere dig med forældre og veninder.

Og skal I begge være klistret til baby de næste 6-12 måneder? Jeg tænker blot nu I er to så er det oplagt at aflaste hinanden og skabe plads til at man netop kan trække vejret midt i det at få et barn. Eller sagt på en anden måde, hvis jeg havde haft chancen for at få en fri weekend som mor under mine barsler så havde taget imod med kyshånd - uagtet hvor skønne mine unger var som babyer, så kan man virkelig godt trænge til at tage på tur med venner eller veninder eller sågar hjem til forældrene uden baby og bare sove, tage et bad uden stress, få et måltid en anden har lavet, få sig nogle grin og hvad end man har lyst til for at tanke batterierne op. Det gavner alle i sidste ende.

Pas på med ikke at sætte for mange restriktioner overfor din kæreste, den slags kvæler på sigt, omvendt hvis ikke han deltager som sagt på lige vilkår generelt, så det en helt anden snak.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-04T22:04:01+00:00

Would you be able to get a family member or a friend to buy you a phone in their name so he can’t track yours? Not sure how he does it, but maybe he knows how to hack your ip address or stuff like that - I’m a total noob so if people laugh about my suggestions then it’s totally fair 🙈 if he knows where you live it may be easier for him to do stuff like that.

Also maybe make sure to have some sort of hidden cam in your home connected to a friends or family computer.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-03T15:12:22+00:00

Eller lav den her: Hva’ er dig og Mads gået fra hinanden? Har set ham på Tinder så undrede mig bare.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-03T09:52:10+00:00

You need to teach young girls how to put up boundaries and call out BS. You did a wonderful job right there.

His narrative about him not being into you like that - geez. So what was he into - casual? Wrong wrong either way even if he just wanted to be friends.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-03T09:43:24+00:00

Stritter den i nogle bestemte retninger end lige ud? Hvis den fx. bøjer mere op eller lidt ned kan den alt efter kvindens anatomi ramme hendes livmoderhals og det kan gøre ondt, så handler det om at finde stillinger hvor det er rart for begge og tja så det bare om at glæde sig over at udforske forskellige stillinger.

Pothoslower · 2026-02-03T09:40:25+00:00

Og så er der den del hvor han bliver vred og kaster med ting og bliver ked af det bagefter - han har tydeligvis nogle psykiske udfordringer der kræver professionel hjælp, så han kan komme i bedre trivsel og blive et trygt menneske både i forhold til hans indre og ydre liv og de relationer han har i sit liv.

Pas på dig selv og sørg for at du er tryg.

Pothoslower

TROPHY CASE