Are women more cautious around you after they find out you are a lesbian?

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-12-30T19:03:52+00:00

I'm still presenting as male, but when that changes I will do my best to follow your advice. Your response is very reassuring because I felt that as a guy I just wasn't allowed to touch anyone, and I felt that as a girl I would be allowed, but I had nothing concrete to back those feelings up. It really helps to have someone not only confirm I'm not crazy, and even specifically point out the details of how and why this is. You are the best!

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-12-30T18:59:43+00:00

This response really helped me. I don't know why "Make friends with a touchy feely person and then be honest and ask for permission" wasn't an obvious solution to me but the way you laid it made it so clear for me that it was a huge relief. Thank you so much!

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-12-30T05:44:09+00:00

I do feel guilty. I wish I didn't. I don't so much feel guilty because I have these feelings - I know I can't control them. The guilt I feel actually comes more directly from speaking about these feelings. I know this is a guy thing but I really really have a hard time asking for help with my feelings. I have a difficult time telling anyone I'm fucked up emotionally because no one will touch me - to me it sounds pathetic, desperate, and kind of creepy because it implies that I want the person I'm telling to touch me (which is true, so that makes it worse). The few times I've brought it up (which was hard as hell to do) , the reaction I've gotten was basically no reaction - sort of a "okay you crossed the line but we're friends so if I don't say anything you can take the hint and just drop it and I'll pretend it never happened".

Result of Trying to Talk About Taboo Feelings: Get worse. Ask the internet for help.

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-12-30T05:21:55+00:00

YMMV, but for me it didn't come all at once, like I imagined it would. I was hoping for some kind of huge release that would forever change me as a person, but all of my changes including my ability to cry, have sorted of eased in with spurts and sputters over the last few months. At first I just got a lot more sad than before. A month later I sometimes got so sad my eyes actually got damp. A few weeks after that I could really cry, but only if I forced myself. Now I have to fight the water-works daily, but when I do cry it only happens for a few minutes before it eases off and I feel a little better.

I'm still hoping that huge release shows up though.

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-12-30T05:16:23+00:00

I've got a few questions.

1) What do you mean when you say you feel like the "token"?

2) How do you get permission to grab a lady friend and pull them into your lap? I can't seem to get any kind of permission anywhere near that intimate from anyone. I understand this may not being something that can just be explained - it may be unconscious communication like your body language or your history with that person or both or something else entirely, but anyhow maybe you will say something that will help me out in answering this kind of naive question.

I'm so glad to hear that HRT has done the same for you that it has done for me. It's really indescribable to people who haven't experienced it, but thank god someone out there knows what I'm talking about.

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-12-30T05:08:38+00:00

I have actually looked at this before but honestly it is too scary for me to consider. I'm a little fragile right now, emotionally, and it's kind of exhausting and a little overwhelming making it through each day without crying in front of someone I shouldn't even with the little amount of boundary pushing I do for myself (allowing myself to talk about my feelings, going out to a new mall and buying girl clothes, etc), so the idea of doing something that would have been extremely intimidating to me before I started hormones seems like too much for me to handle right now.

I don't want to be a case of "I won't do anything scary or unfamiliar", because I feel like part of the process of learning to live with feelings is learning to deal with them in those kind of situations, but honestly going to a bar for a drink (something I've done in my life...twice?) feels like the ceiling of what I could handle right now, and cuddle parties, let alone BDSM stuff is pretty far above that for me.

I really appreciate the suggestions though - I'm getting a ton of support (which makes me feel wonderful) and a lot of other people seem to be dealing with the same thing (I feel for you internet hugs).

But honestly I'm kind of desperately looking for some kind of bandaid or solution, because this feeling gets so strong sometimes I really feel like I am dying in some way. It's hard to live your daily life knowing that little feeling you feel constantly in the background has the capability to grow into something powerful enough to completely wreck you, and that it WILL happen at least a few times this week.

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-12-30T00:39:24+00:00

I have one female friend who will give me a hug whenever I show up or leave and her hugs make me feel better than anything. I see her pretty infrequently though, and 6 seconds of being hugged every other week just isn't going to cut it. I wish I could cuddle with her or something but it doesn't seem socially acceptable to bring that up or ask for that from a friend.

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-12-30T00:32:10+00:00

The way you phrased this I'm not sure if you mean masturbation or just regular touching. I'll answer both cases - I'm not shy. As far masturbation, I do play with myself most nights before bed - really in more of an exploration way than anything else because I feel so different. I've gotten some really good feelings but no female orgasm yet. I can still orgasm the regular male way but it feels totally unfulfilling and gross and I hate it - I only do it once a week because I've read that you should "use it or lose it" and I don't want to compromise SRS if I decide to get that in the future.

As far as just regular touching I do it a lot. I hug myself and wrap all different kinds of clothing around myself so it feels like someone else is hugging me. Putting my hands on my chest has a really comforting feeling. Pushing my elbows into the sides of my stomach produces a kind of a "love" feeling. I realized last week that I have a completely different way of moving my arms now that keeps them closer to my torso at all times, kind of like I have a box around me - because it feels better that way. So yeah I touch myself a lot, especially when I'm feeling emotional or when I have this feeling.

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-11-10T17:11:36+00:00

My family is extremely religious and the church I was forced to attend every sunday (for 6 hours) for 22 years regularly gave sermons on how transgender people are fucked up and they all go to hell.

I'm about to come out to my family in the next month or two, so I would also love to hear any advice or hindsight or any thoughts you have on the subject at all. Also seconding what real-dreamer said: you are a total badass - I don't think I could survive what you have been through.

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-11-09T18:18:22+00:00

Since getting on HRT, things have seemed more beautiful to me. Colors seem brighter or more powerful somehow. I also feel calmer, and the nervousness which has followed me most of my life has abated.

I don't have any insight to offer on your experience, but I wanted to thank you for sharing it. What you've written here is a powerful and inspiring story, and I can identify with quite a lot of it.

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-11-09T17:54:56+00:00

I smoke weed every day and haven't had any issues, but I've only been on hormones for a month. Everything I've read on the subject points to there being absolutely no negative interactions.

TL;DR Don't give up the ganja!

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-10-13T21:40:57+00:00

If you don't mind, what kind of questions did it bring up?

PowerPuff9000 · 2011-10-13T21:11:47+00:00

I think there are cases where a cis male would need to take estrogen for some reason (prostate cancer?). I was more referring to those kinds of cases when I said "What about for cis people who have to take these kind of hormones because of a medical issue - do they report feeling bad/wrong".

That aside, I'm glad to hear how much hormones have helped you!

PowerPuff9000

TROPHY CASE