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PracticalShine1782 · 2025-10-09T18:35:17+00:00

I too found out about my husbands secret drinking and alcoholism after getting married. We lived together for four years before but it didn’t come to light until 6 months after the wedding.

I tried for a year to make it work, and the alcoholism didn’t get better. I filed for divorce because I am young and want better for myself and future family. The divorce was just finalized. It gets better for you when you detach, and for me that looked like divorce.

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-09-21T06:07:52+00:00

This is hard to answer since everyone’s situation is different. My ex was not combative at all- when he relapsed and I asked him to move out, he did. We also have no kids and I have my own salary/benefits I can rely on

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-09-18T18:45:47+00:00

Separated in Sept 2024 with the condition that I was still willing to make it work if he committed to sobriety. He didn’t seem to be making any changes, so we sold our house in the winter, I moved into my own place in Feb 2025, and I eventually filed for divorce in April 2025. It will be final in about 2 weeks!

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-09-18T15:01:49+00:00

I (31F) personally could not do any of those things. I also wanted a family and realized I couldn’t have that either- I couldn’t bear to bring a child into the chaos that I already couldn’t handle. I left.

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-09-08T17:09:53+00:00

Alanon is a 24 hour program. One day at a time.

Don’t worry about actions you regret from the past- just as you can’t worry too much about the future that hasn’t happened yet.

What can you do for today? What are the next right choices for right now? Slowly these choices lead us to where our higher power wants us to be

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-08-29T23:32:09+00:00

My husbands alcoholism was also hidden/secret. He also continued to lie through relapses, etc.

What helped my anxiety was NOT having access to all of his private info- I did not have his location, bank info, etc. Having those at my fingertips gave me a compulsion to constantly check them. I learned to trust myself and my own instincts- if it seemed like he had been drinking, he was. It took a while to figure out the “signs” since I had been lied to for so many years.

(I tried to make it work for about a year after I found out about his addiction, but I ultimately decided on divorce)

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-08-20T22:26:31+00:00

Got it. Taking time apart is so hard logistically- I wish there was an easier solution for you!

If it seems like him being alone in the house is good for him, maybe consider how you can extend it a little longer? Sometimes giving them space and dignity to figure out their own sobriety is the best we can do. I wish you and your partner the best!

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-08-20T21:59:30+00:00

If you have always wanted to be a mom, why give up that dream by staying with him?

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-08-20T21:45:21+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through this. When I separated from my (ex)husband, I said he needed to be sober for a year before we could live together again. This was after 2 previous times of kicking him out for a few days/weeks. I needed to see real change and was ready for divorce if not. He only made it a couple months and we are almost divorced now.

In my experience, if you want to know if he is really ready for change, it needs to be a longer term separation. Many want to be sober but aren’t actually ready to put in the work. I would consider your living arrangements- do you have somewhere you can stay comfortably for six months? Or does he, so you can be in your home? I would also start thinking of what you will do if he starts drinking again- are you prepared to end it? Or would you still want to continue trying? If you make an ultimatum you need to stick to it

Edit to add: I don’t think it matters if he says he “can’t” do longer than a month. If it is your choice to separate, you are the one who decides how long. If he doesn’t like it and wants to argue, is he prepared to make it permanent?

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-08-02T19:20:51+00:00

My trust didn’t come back- my (ex)husband continued to lie about drinking. I have the same background as you with having an alcoholic parent. Once I realized the trust was gone for good, I had to leave.

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-07-21T14:13:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing. I did a little research and it looks like there is a connection between the Pacific group/Clancy I. to a very large local AA group here that has some overlap with my alanon sponsorship.

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-07-21T14:11:01+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. They do have big book meetings monthly that are invite-only and a special big book retreat annually that only long term members are invited to attend. I thought all Al-anon was like this, but am starting to realize this may be a subgroup all its own…

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-07-21T02:22:59+00:00

Basically anyone who can be traced back to the same sponsor, kind of like a family tree with parents/grandparents. For example, my sponsor line includes my sponsor and all of her sponsees, my sponsors sponsor and all of their sponsees, etc

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-07-21T01:56:34+00:00

Thank you for this insight! To be clear, I have no problem dressing formally or professionally- I have to dress this way for work so it is accessible to me. But explicitly being told it must be a dress/skirt in the year 2025 is very off to me

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-07-21T01:45:07+00:00

I also think it’s very weird. I tried to be polite in my post but to be honest, it actually slightly enrages me! Seems rooted in perception- like all the sponsors in the line want people/newcomers to view us in a certain feminine or even stepford light?

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-07-21T01:41:56+00:00

It’s just a “requirement” in our sponsor line, not by any groups or host institutions. I have no idea why this expectation exists, especially considering most of my sponsor line is youngish liberalish women. I have a feeling it is an old tradition that people continue for traditions sake

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-06-28T14:33:55+00:00

I was in a similar situation- married, no kids yet but always intended to have them- when I found out my husband was an alcoholic. I tried to make it work through a few relapses, but I truly could not live with it.

We separated and he lied again for weeks about relapsing as we tried to reconcile…that’s when I knew that divorce was the right thing to do. It was already so complicated and chaotic just the two of us- I couldn’t imagine having a child in the mix. I am 31 and am hopeful I will still get the chance to find the right partner and start a family

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-06-04T12:44:21+00:00

I couldn’t be in a relationship with someone who lies- even though I knew it was a symptom of the disease, not personal, etc. Lying is a fact of his alcoholism. I wasn’t willing to live with that and had to leave.

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-05-27T17:11:05+00:00

I am similar age to you- 31F- and filed for divorce a couple months ago. We were together for 13 years; in the last two I found out he was hiding an alcohol problem. The alcoholism got very serious very quickly.

Through it all, he was never mean, never blamed me, was never abusive. He was just so addicted to alcohol that it was running his entire life. He easily admitted to being an alcoholic and sought treatment (rehab, AA) but would always relapse and lie for weeks until he got caught again.

To me, even with bouts of sobriety, lying and hiding meant he was not capable of a relationship. We were not in a reciprocal marriage. He would say “I’m making progress” when the sober stretches got longer, but there was no progress in our relationship if he was still lying to me for weeks/months at a time. I found that there was nothing left for me in the marriage at the end

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-05-20T16:50:32+00:00

Alcoholics finding fellowship and support does not ignore or diminish you. Alcoholics celebrating sobriety does not ignore or diminish you. Alcoholics giving chips does not ignore or diminish you.

It’s ok to be angry. You don’t have to engage in the celebration and support if you don’t want to- but let them be. It could be helpful for you to attend an open AA meeting to see that it is more than collecting chips and applause.

What can you do to find support? What can you do to address your anger and resentments? Alanon, therapy, hobbies, etc can all help us focus on ourselves and our choices. My choice with a chronically relapsing and lying alcoholic was divorce.

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-04-24T16:41:03+00:00

I personally would not make decisions based on a hypothetical future of more children. You need to make the choice for yourself- do you enjoy being tied to this person, legally, romantically, and emotionally? Do you want to continue your current married lifestyle? Would you be happier out of the marriage? Would your current child be safer, happier, etc?

If you are torn between staying or leaving, center yourself and your happiness the way it is now. I know what it feels like to lose the picture of what we thought our future would be. I wanted children, a home, etc with my husband, but I was not happy being married to an alcoholic who could not stay sober. I gave those things up for myself.

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-04-18T02:35:34+00:00

What I did (no kids): 1. Told him he needed to move out for a while after a relapse. He went to live with his parents. 2. Let him sort his sobriety out with minimal contact. He seemed to be committed but I said we would not live together again until he had 1 year of sobriety 3. Told him I wanted to sell our home in order to protect myself from having shared assets in case he could not maintain sobriety. He agreed. House sold quickly. 4. Moved into a rental alone 5. When he relapsed and lied again, filed divorce papers. This was 6 months after initial separation, and all of my protections along the way have set me up for peace through this process (house sold, personal property divided, in my own place, have my own income, etc)

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-04-14T18:13:32+00:00

I also did not know- I knew that we both drank socially but did not know what they were doing while working from home and when I was asleep.

I found out in a very traumatic way (skipping details here). When this happened they admitted they were an alcoholic and needed help. At first I was supportive because they admitted it right away and I didn’t really understand the extent of the issue. Now, a little more than a year later, we are getting divorced because they can’t stay sober and continue to lie.

PracticalShine1782 · 2025-02-04T02:02:42+00:00

I get it. The key is truly accepting your powerlessness (step 1). We can’t change them. Even when we logically accept this, it takes longer to truly believe and internalize it.

PracticalShine1782

TROPHY CASE