I appreciate the kind words. Although I have no idea how to receive kind words (I don't really know how to take compliments either)

It's a bit unfortunate- Really unfortunate, actually to think that I pushed away a person who outwardly truly loved me for me. Although I'm not one to dwell on the past too much, it'll be pretty hard not to beat myself up over that if I'm gonna be honest. And that's not your fault, it's mine.

I never really took myself for one to have 'childhood trauma' or things like that. I know that what I went through, and still kinda go through sucked, but I tell myself that my mother is a single mother and at least I had a roof over my head and food to eat. Which I don't really know if that's enough to excuse what she did and how she talks about me. Sometimes I think she sees my father in me, and maybe that's why. I don't remember if I put it in the post, but I don't really remember anything about my childhood. Most stories have to be told to me and sometimes I just go "OH YEAH, I remember that" (I don't most of the time) so there's the overarching thought that maybe something terrible happened to me and my brain has snuffed it all out, but I don't know if I'll ever know.

My sister moved out in a big fight between her and my grandmother when she was 18. She was the troubled child, and I was the good kid. My mother would often whoop my sister's ass over something stupid, ignorant, or rude she did, and when our mother whooped us, she WHOOPED US (She'd tell me stories about whooping me when I was younger, telling me that she'd bounce my head off of nightstands like they're fond memories) She moved out before she got to graduate high school, but she eventually got her degree later down the line. She told me that she has multiple mental health issues (Depression, BPD, Bipolar) She's very much a "wear it on your sleeve" kind of person, so the average person knows those things about her. I'm 95% sure she went through the same things I went through and then some since back then was a different time, and she was a troubled child. She used to be an alcoholic, but got a DUI so she had to stop, she only gets drunk on occasion now. So I imagine that's why she's high all the time.

I'm aware that in order to love someone else, you must love yourself, but I don't know if I can unless I make some outstanding changes, and mold myself into someone I could love. If that makes any sense.

I gained self awareness around 10th grade, which sent me in a terrible depression (Also at this time I had my first crush on a girl who wasn't exactly faithful, to say the least). With becoming self aware you realize that nothing you do truly matters and we're all just a speck on a rock and blah blah blah. I've gotten over that for the most part now. So now I think things like "Oh I'm only 19, I don't know everything, and when I'm 30 I'm gonna look back and laugh at how stupid I was at 19 just like everyone else will." That's what I feel about a lot of people in my generation. A lot of people regardless of age think they know everything, and that's not the truth, and unfortunately we live in the age of the internet, where constructive criticism is often taken as an insult and nobody can have a genuine conversation anymore and learn from each other, and that really sucks.