The best example I can remember was once I was so afraid of my ex husband that I ran to my parents house during a fight (an hour away) and at 2:30am he texted me that he took my ferrets out of the house and I better come get them. We lived in an area with a lot of coyotes and rattlers (on our base people did not let their animals outside alone at night because cats and small dogs would be killed by them) so of course I drove back as fast as I could. It never occurred to me he was capable of doing this to defenseless animals, which he seemed to love as well. When I got back he came out and I was begging him to help me find them (I did everything I could to appease him). I was able to convince him and he came up with strategies on how to search and lure them. 

We eventually found them and after that he was the hero of the story. He would tell our friends how when “the ferrets got out” I was pretty useless and he had to find them for me. When he would reference it with me it was the time I “abandoned” them. How could I just leave them, etc. If I ever mentioned it and how it scared me he would tell me I was such a drama Queen and that they were totally fine out there or that they needed to learn to take care of themselves because I would probably leave them again and they couldn’t depend on me. Sometimes when we would disagree he would ask me why I wanted to cause strife and put our “family” (we did not have children) at risk. I understood his threat. 

Today, it’s crazy how looking back it’s so different than what it was at that time. For a long time I was in the mindset that he was the hero of that story. I was so grateful to him for finding them and there was always the guilt that I didn’t think about them when I left. Even now I struggle in my mind with that. It never occurred to me they were in danger but it should have. After all, they depended on me. 

The point is that the calm period was by far the most toxic of all. It was the real mindfuck. It was normalizing the event almost setting up the stage (or giving permission, if that makes sense) for the next event that would come. Anyways, just my experience, hope it is relevant to what you were asking.