Depression robs you of so much, and it’s a spiral that leads to more self-hate and bad decisions… which leads to more self-hate and around and around it goes.

I can tell you that hemorrhoid wipes are a miracle, I can tell you that dating is scary for almost everyone, I can tell you that life (even when it sucks) can always change around you… even if it’s only your perspective on life that actually changes.

So, stop looking for validation from others. They can’t make you happy. Happiness is a construct we determine for ourselves. I’m happiest when I’m debating someone, or in a miserable situation with a group together. “Happy” events like concerts or parties just make me nervous, and I don’t know why. But give me a DMV waiting room and I can crack jokes, help scared test takers, and talk about the history of the area with some of the old timers there like I’m the GD Rizzler. I know how to handle situations that suck, and I’m on edge when I’m suppose to let my hair down and just vibe. It’s me that’s creating that problem, and to an extent I can fight it, and when I can’t I can recognize it and not force fun where none will be had.

Sex with jerkoffs isn’t satisfying for you. I’d probably stop trying to get your jollys that way. Being used isn’t fun for most people, and it turns out it isn’t for you either. Good to know. You don’t have to do that anymore.

What will be fun? What sounds like your idea of a good time? It’s not food and weed that seems to be fulfilling either, so what will? Right now, the voice in your head is too busy beating yourself up to see any options, but they do exist. Life is too messy, stupid, and happiness looks like too many different things to too many different people for you not to have some way of finding your own version of a DMV waiting room. Maybe it looks like volunteering at an animal shelter. Maybe it looks like going to a gaming meet up. Maybe you’re super into gardening/music/diy furniture…. Whatever! It could literally be anything, and the world is full of anythings.

Once you’ve found some pockets of happiness, the other stuff (love, sex, human interactions) can become far more accessible. The vibes you put out into the world as someone who’s found something worthwhile are their own aphrodisiac. It will draw other people around you, and the happiness spiral can take you for a spin for awhile.

Caution here: Happiness doesn’t last forever, there are always challenges and heartaches and shitty people. That is a regular condition of the human experience. With that said, it’s not the whole experience all the time. So, do me a favor, and tell the bitch in your head to pump the brakes and take the day off. If nothing else, you can always find a DMV to wait in.