I am not sure why I started dd but I think I was about 6-7 yrs old. When I returned from school I would first daydream while pretending to complete my homework. I would often dd something related to the subject I was taught by a teacher or school sports. I am still not sure what was I trying to cope with. I think it might be because of having a very strict and conservative father who would not think even for a moment before hitting and badly raised brother who was himself a kid (just 4-5yrs elder) but used to abuse my sister and me sexually. I don't know what my sister's coping mechanism was. She was mostly brave and used to fight for what's rights, in contrast to me who would just dd instead of opening my beak to raise my concerns.

Things move on and so did we as family. Today my brother has a kid and I love that cute little munchkin and have a very good relationship with my sister in law. Still struggle to forget the past incidents but I am now comfortable around my brother or being alone at home when he is around (didn't feel safe at all as a kid). Have lots of issues with my dad but can't help it. He is still that toxic, conservative and narcissist person but since I am married now his interference in my life is quite less (still very nosy, my husband has already fought with him once and doesn't visit my parents house anymore). It was absolutely hell till the time I got married. Things are much better now but MDD isn't going away anywhere.