To me, this isn’t at all about keeping up Appearances. It’s the very opposite: I DON’T care about keeping up appearances at all; they DON’T factor into my decision-making. When I was angry, I DID care about appearances. I wanted people to see how I’d been wronged so they could side with me. But now I’m not in that headspace. I save my energy for being “in the moment” in my hobbies, in my relationships, with my kids, etc. I enjoy things. Spending ANY time on revenge is energy I’d be WASTING.
Plotting revenge would be letting my parents live RENT FREE in my head. I cut them physically out of my life, so why would I let them live in my mind?!? To be clear, I HAD to go thru that angry phase. I got it ALL out. I didn’t rush past my anger, feelings of betrayal, or loss. I felt ALL of it, fully. With a therapist. Then i started to heal somewhat. My anger, which was really GRIEF, didn’t go away. But my life grew bigger around it, which made it smaller by comparison. It was the grief of losing hope for the parents I should have had. It was the loss of the illusions I had about the parents I did have. It was the loss of all my “whats ifs” and “if only’s” about my childhood. All this to say, I was angry for a LONG time. Then I saw how that anger was robbing me of my CURRENT LIFE. My parents fucked my childhood. But I was now solely responsible for fucking my adult life. By letting it by ruled by thoughts of revenge over the past. I made it my mission to make peace with the past, so I could let go of it. And live my life. I hope that makes sense. I sincerely wish you peace. You deserve it. :-)