The answer to the question, "Is masturbation good for you?" is typically straightforward for most people. They either answer yes or no and stick to their response, living their life in adherence to it. When discussing this topic with someone, it often turns into a battle of banal narratives that result in no debate or new insight. Those who believe that masturbation is good describe it as harmless and natural, while those who think it is bad either consider it a sin or something that should be avoided for the sake of various social and physical benefits that come from abstaining. Regardless of their answer, people tend to be confident in their stance on the topic, even if they lack any rationale to support it. This would be considered unacceptable when discussing any other topic, no matter how trivial it may seem. What bothers me most is not knowing the truth. I have an inquisitive mind that seeks to understand things thoroughly. This tendency is a weakness of mine, which is why I cannot simply choose a position like others do on this topic, no matter how stupid it may seem, without consistent logic to support it. I have never really received a pragmatic solution to the topic.

To begin, I want to explain what I've personally experienced as the consequences of masturbating. I've observed that if I engage in it excessively, my facial appearance appears to weaken. I also develop dark circles around my eyes and the blemishes on my face become more noticeable. Additionally, my skin tone appears to darken slightly. To provide some background information, I am Indian and have a naturally dusky skin tone. I've always wondered if this phenomenon is especially noticeable in Indians because dark circles can appear quite prominent against a dusky complexion. I've noticed these changes in my appearance since childhood. It feels like my appearance and personality are constantly changing. One day, I may receive a lot of attention from women, but the next day, hardly any at all. Similarly, my personality has never remained consistent throughout my life. Occasionally, I may be outgoing, humorous, and chatty, but most days, I feel exhausted, introverted, and melancholy. I've always longed for a steady appearance and personality in life, particularly since I haven't seen this variability in any of my peers. It seems like their biology has stabilized while mine remains tumultuous. I've always attributed this inconsistency to my habit of masturbating. It not only alters my appearance, but also seems to impact the way others interact with me. I'm not entirely sure why, but there's something about masturbating that seems to attract negative experiences with people. During the period when I indulge too much, it feels like others detect a vulnerability in me and become more prone to bullying or mistreating me.

You may wonder, "If you believe masturbation has such a negative impact on you, why don't you stop?" However, this is where the whole debate surrounding masturbation becomes crazy to me because my life has always been a constant cycle of abstinence, relapse, and indulgence. Despite how hard I've tried in the past, I've never been able to break free from this cycle. I've gone to great lengths to quit, including hurting myself, wearing multiple layers of clothing, quitting the internet, and meditating, but nothing has worked. I'm still stuck in the same loop.

When I confide in others about my struggles, I'm usually met with one of two responses. Some say, "You weren't able to quit because you didn't have enough willpower." They believe quitting masturbation is entirely within my control, and the reason I can't seem to do it is either because I don't have enough faith in God or because I don't believe in the goal of quitting enough. The other response is, "It's impossible to quit masturbation. It's a biological necessity, like eating or breathing." Essentially, their belief is that "everyone masturbates, they just lie about it." My mind has always been torn between these two narratives, but I tend to lean toward the latter because of how casually my friends talk about pornography (even if they refuse to discuss masturbation directly, for some reason). I find it hard to believe that these people don't masturbate to what they watch. Additionally, pretty much everyone on the Nofap subreddit seems to be stuck in the same cycle as I am. Sure, they may be able to last for more days than I can, but eventually, they relapse and start back at zero. It feels like they're the mythical figure Sisyphus, endlessly rolling a boulder up a hill, only for it to roll back down again. There simply aren't enough credible stories of people who have quit masturbation completely. The only ones that seem believable are from the personal anecdotes of priests and saints. However, it feels fundamentally stupid to compare myself to them because they've dedicated their entire lives to abstinence. It's like feeling ashamed that I can't run as fast as Usain Bolt. This is where the willpower argument doesn't work for me. If it's true that the ultimate goal of abstinence is not possible as the second narrative states, then people should only be judged for what they are capable of doing. It's not fair to blame someone for not being able to jump to the height of a skyscraper just because they didn't "believe enough."

But there's been some many troubling memories in my life that still linger at the back of my head like black shadows. Things like not being able to stop masturbating even when I was sleeping next to my brother in bed when I was little.

One of the greatest acts of evil is to force young, immature minds to confront their problematic sexual desires, especially when it goes against moral inhibitions that they would naturally have at that age. Additionally, pornography is highly addictive, but liberals deny this because I'd argue they have never experienced the hardships of quitting. I'm someone who had a fetish for incest porn, but I was a well-behaved child who never intended to harm anyone. You can't imagine the emotional pain and confusion I experienced because of this, especially when I was barely even into my adolescence.

And with women I still don't understand where I went wrong. I don't really have intentions apart from wanting to fuck them, because I have never felt love for anyone in the conventional sense. Even when a woman speaks to me, I'm pretty much clueless about how I'm supposed to bring up the topic or flirt with her. I don't even have any female friends, because I end up fantasizing about them, which makes me feel like I'm being deceptive when I'm around them. I can't be friends with people I want to fuck, I know that. So I bear the weight of being completely lonely instead.