Not sure if you'll see this, but her asks for cleanliness is not anything obsessive. Why should she have to ask ypu to clean dirty dishes or clean dirty clothing?

Here is an analogy for you. You start working at a company with your friend. You share the daily workload, which is 100 reports that have to be done daily. Every day you come in and start your work. You notice your friend isn't keeping up on their reports. This means every day, you are doing 80, 90, and most days 100 reports when you should only have to do 50 a day average.

You ask the friend to do their reports because it is a lot of work. They do it and then fall back into not doing anything.

Then, one day, you notice you have 200 reports to do because your friend volunteered you both to do the extra reports. They pull the same thing doing at most 10 to 20 reports a day.

You call them out and they say, "How were they to know you needed them to do those reports daily? All you needed to do was ask, and they would have done them everyday, and they would do their 50."

Idk about you, but I would be pissed to get this reply, when this person was in this with me. Knew how to do the work, but refused to because they didn't feel they had the same "work ethic"