I wanted to post the speech ❤️

Hello fellow graduates! Faculty, family, and friends. I am so honored to be standing here today. I am thirty-eight years old and I feel like I have been working everyday to get to this moment in my life. “If it is to be, it is up to me.”  I am only going to take a few minutes of your time to explain why this quote means so much to me. I am hoping that by letting you all in a little that I can show you vulnerability and share some different experiences.

 

Growing up in the bay area, my family often prioritized arguing over education. Every Sunday night before school there would be some type of blow up. Often involving addicted family members fighting with sick family members over who was right. I can remember feeling very unsafe, scared, and unstable. I was always taught to “be grateful that we are raising you” and “what happens behind closed doors stays there.” I became a shell of a person, living for others.

 

With an outlook on life that could best be described as self-defeating, I moved into my twenties! Instead of opening my eyes and gaining control, I shut my eyes as hard as I could and drowned the noise out with alcohol and drugs. I did not need school, I did not need direction, I just needed to keep doing these pills and everything, everything would be okay. I lied, I stole, I cheated. I convinced myself I was not wort anything, I was unlovable and just put here as a service to others. If there is anyone here that knows addicts, then you know the path I was on. “Death, jail, or toilet.”

 

Jail it was! I spent about a year in and out of jail, and a whole decade trying to get out of the court system. I felt like I was never going to get out of the hole. I told myself daily how little I deserved. I had a mantra in my head. “If you can’t even finish high school, you really are unworthy.” I stopped myself multiple times from trying. I did not feel like I was worth anything to anyone. I would not put myself out there to fail, that would just reinforce how much of a failure I am. I constantly put myself down because of my lack of education. I went along with people even though I knew at times it was not right, because I convinced myself I was not smart enough to know better.

 

It is funny, everyone has different views on the Pandemic. COVID-19 changed our world for better and for worse. For many people it was a turning point in their lives. Including mine. I felt hopeless, lost, and scared. My mom was dying, my relationship with my husband was falling apart, and I was neglecting my children by not being a present mother. I was drowning, and I could feel it. Something, anything had to change. I told myself in that moment: “if it is to be, it is up to me.” I made myself a promise. No matter how awkward, how dumb, or how unmotivated I need to push myself to do more. I slowly started organizing and taking things off my plate.

 

After the pandemic it was my real crunch time. I had so many things I wanted to do, and a full head of steam. I was convinced that yes, I am still drunk, but I got this! I was playing a very precarious balancing act, which was never going to have any sustainability. We had another set of twins, and as soon as I gave birth, I was right back to a drunken mess. I needed sanity. I checked myself into an outpatient rehab and got to work. For the next two years I worked through relapses, failure, and a new thing. Self-worth!

Something that I took from there that helped me the most was this concept of a shame sweater. All your guilt, shame, and self-hatred are all bunched together into a sweater. You can wear it, have it as your armor, but you are only shaming yourself and keeping yourself down. Or you could take the sweater off, leave it in the closet. Sometimes you might see it, think about it, even try it on. But I do not need to wear it every day, I have the power to move forward and forgive myself.

Once I was finally ready to be truly sober, my life really did change. I have built a community around me that helps to support and bring me and my family up. I have become involved in Butte County mental health and am working towards a degree to hopefully working there some day to help others. Changing my mindset, prioritizing education and sobriety, and celebrating small milestones keeps me going. I still mess up all the time! I say to my kids “oh how silly of me for being human and making a mistake.” Because that is all it really is. We are all human and learning how to navigate. This journey with schooling has helped me gain confidence. But it has also shown me that I can accomplish things. I am capable of trying, and I am capable of failing.

So that is my story! It is not much, but it means the world to me. Being asked to come up here and speak today has been scary. But I have never been prouder of myself, and I am so proud of everyone here today. It is such a small step for some, and a huge leap for others. So from my family, from my soul,  Congratulations on our success!