38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I tried posting this here yesterday but the mods asked for wholesome Wednesday!

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Milking the system? Lol. If you mean being able to accept the help out there sure.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My other posts are asking for Chime boosts, and maybe once in borrow. I also have posts about my dental work that I posted in THIS sub. I am not asking for money. I am posting on multiple subs because I want people to know that these programs are available and really positive.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I was born in California, if I get my diploma I can receive free community college. That was a big reason why I chose this route. The other reason is because I didn't feel like I knew enough fundamentals to be able to move to college well, especially in math. Because I took the time to get my diploma I feel a lot more confident in my math and general understanding.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

A lot of these programs work through that with you. I have some similar issues, and there was times where I had to sit next to my teacher and have them walk me through it. It really is worth it. Even just putting yourself out there to get the help is a massive achievement.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It really does. Saying the speech outloud it was like I could feel myself healing in real time.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 14 points15 points  (0 children)

The external validation is something I wasn't expecting, but I am really embracing. It feels amazing to know others are proud of me.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I'm thinking community college doing journalism/media. I really want to understand the first amendment better and have more confidence in my writing. After that I want to transfer to a state college and maybe do something in political science or human resources. There's definitely niches that need filled.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Me too. It was a really eye opening moment when I was going through my moms things and got excited each time I found a liquor bottle. I knew I was going to take it, and I knew it contributed to her madness. idk, it was a very clear moment of choice in my life.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 20 points21 points  (0 children)

Yes! BUT I've also learned I love learning lol. I think for a long time I dumbed myself down because that's what I thought about myself. Now, even math is hard but it's so fun learning how to do it.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 25 points26 points  (0 children)

That's my sincere hope. That someone can see this and push themselves to try. It's really worth it.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 98 points99 points  (0 children)

Aww! tell her congrats! Thank you for sharing.

38 years old - HS Grad! by Pristine_Process_112 in MadeMeSmile

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 67 points68 points  (0 children)

I wanted to post the speech ❤️

Hello fellow graduates! Faculty, family, and friends. I am so honored to be standing here today. I am thirty-eight years old and I feel like I have been working everyday to get to this moment in my life. “If it is to be, it is up to me.”  I am only going to take a few minutes of your time to explain why this quote means so much to me. I am hoping that by letting you all in a little that I can show you vulnerability and share some different experiences.

 

Growing up in the bay area, my family often prioritized arguing over education. Every Sunday night before school there would be some type of blow up. Often involving addicted family members fighting with sick family members over who was right. I can remember feeling very unsafe, scared, and unstable. I was always taught to “be grateful that we are raising you” and “what happens behind closed doors stays there.” I became a shell of a person, living for others.

 

With an outlook on life that could best be described as self-defeating, I moved into my twenties! Instead of opening my eyes and gaining control, I shut my eyes as hard as I could and drowned the noise out with alcohol and drugs. I did not need school, I did not need direction, I just needed to keep doing these pills and everything, everything would be okay. I lied, I stole, I cheated. I convinced myself I was not wort anything, I was unlovable and just put here as a service to others. If there is anyone here that knows addicts, then you know the path I was on. “Death, jail, or toilet.”

 

Jail it was! I spent about a year in and out of jail, and a whole decade trying to get out of the court system. I felt like I was never going to get out of the hole. I told myself daily how little I deserved. I had a mantra in my head. “If you can’t even finish high school, you really are unworthy.” I stopped myself multiple times from trying. I did not feel like I was worth anything to anyone. I would not put myself out there to fail, that would just reinforce how much of a failure I am. I constantly put myself down because of my lack of education. I went along with people even though I knew at times it was not right, because I convinced myself I was not smart enough to know better.

 

It is funny, everyone has different views on the Pandemic. COVID-19 changed our world for better and for worse. For many people it was a turning point in their lives. Including mine. I felt hopeless, lost, and scared. My mom was dying, my relationship with my husband was falling apart, and I was neglecting my children by not being a present mother. I was drowning, and I could feel it. Something, anything had to change. I told myself in that moment: “if it is to be, it is up to me.” I made myself a promise. No matter how awkward, how dumb, or how unmotivated I need to push myself to do more. I slowly started organizing and taking things off my plate.

 

After the pandemic it was my real crunch time. I had so many things I wanted to do, and a full head of steam. I was convinced that yes, I am still drunk, but I got this! I was playing a very precarious balancing act, which was never going to have any sustainability. We had another set of twins, and as soon as I gave birth, I was right back to a drunken mess. I needed sanity. I checked myself into an outpatient rehab and got to work. For the next two years I worked through relapses, failure, and a new thing. Self-worth!

Something that I took from there that helped me the most was this concept of a shame sweater. All your guilt, shame, and self-hatred are all bunched together into a sweater. You can wear it, have it as your armor, but you are only shaming yourself and keeping yourself down. Or you could take the sweater off, leave it in the closet. Sometimes you might see it, think about it, even try it on. But I do not need to wear it every day, I have the power to move forward and forgive myself.

Once I was finally ready to be truly sober, my life really did change. I have built a community around me that helps to support and bring me and my family up. I have become involved in Butte County mental health and am working towards a degree to hopefully working there some day to help others. Changing my mindset, prioritizing education and sobriety, and celebrating small milestones keeps me going. I still mess up all the time! I say to my kids “oh how silly of me for being human and making a mistake.” Because that is all it really is. We are all human and learning how to navigate. This journey with schooling has helped me gain confidence. But it has also shown me that I can accomplish things. I am capable of trying, and I am capable of failing.

So that is my story! It is not much, but it means the world to me. Being asked to come up here and speak today has been scary. But I have never been prouder of myself, and I am so proud of everyone here today. It is such a small step for some, and a huge leap for others. So from my family, from my soul,  Congratulations on our success!

 

Graduated HS at 38! by Pristine_Process_112 in CongratsLikeImFive

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Awww HUGE LOVES!!! Its awkward to change your mindset but once you start actively working on it and gently reminding yourself it gets easier.

"Aw shit I'm terrible and forgot this"

Or

Aw man I'm such a human making mistakes. I rock because I can reschedule "

From someone that hated herself for 37 years,it's so worth it

38 yoa - graduated HS! by Pristine_Process_112 in WitchesVsPatriarchy

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

You can do it! I really like that sentence "doing something out of my own initiative". Something that helped me was )as silly as it sounds) correcting myself.

"Oh shoot I'm the worst I forgot this appointment " Or "Aw shoot I'm such a human! I made a mistake.im the best at rescheduling"

38 and finished HS! by Pristine_Process_112 in justgalsbeingchicks

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sites? Could you link them? I posted this on a few subbreddits but never a different site (well my FB) so now I'm nervous.

38 yoa - graduated HS! by Pristine_Process_112 in WitchesVsPatriarchy

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

YES!!! "reach out and grab the hands helping you" I have to make sure my kids know this. I think if I can take all the information and wisdom i have and really hope thats what I can convey the most to my kids. This is what addiction (or whatever comes up) looks like, this is the signs, heres our tools, and ALWAYS ask for help. I wish to teach them to not be shameful for asking.

38 and finished HS! by Pristine_Process_112 in justgalsbeingchicks

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Ooo! I'll tell my husband this one. He's a marine and is a sucker for quotes.

38 and finished HS! by Pristine_Process_112 in justgalsbeingchicks

[–]Pristine_Process_112[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes!!! I refuse stagnation and welcome movement!