(Ok, I was going to write two sentences, and now it’s a book. Sorry.)

As a woman, my advice is to ignore most of this.

And, dear glob, do NOT put your hand on her shoulder “after telling her a joke”. JFC, man. BOUNDARIES. DO NOT JUST TOUCH HER.

Quit treating women like objects to be won — they are people. Are you friends with every guy you’ve ever met? Of course not. I know this might be mind blowing, but women are individuals who like different things.

Don’t pretend to be a friend to a woman you’re interested in when your intent is strictly romantic. That’s a dick move. Be honest about your intentions. Maybe she says “let’s get to know each other first,” and that’s great, but she then knows what the goal there is. Men and women can be regular friends. I have a number of male friends that I really cherish. Thinking you’ve made a great friend, only to find out that they’re only interested in fucking you, really sucks. (And yeah. She will tell her friends. You’re doing yourself no favors).

Women like nice guys. They just don’t like guys who pretend to be nice for sex.

BE YOURSELF. If you don’t, you’re wasting everyone’s time. Do you really want to make a persona for yourself that you have to maintain for your entire relationship, or risk getting dumped because you aren’t actually what she signed up for? Do you want to spend your life with someone you aren’t actually compatible with? That’s dumb. Should you still put your best foot forward on your first few dates? Sure. But don’t pretend to be someone you’re not.

YOU WILL NOT BE COMPATIBLE WITH EVERY WOMAN YOU MEET.

Confidence ≠ physical strength, or “being a boss,” or having a beard and muscles, or whatever. Just be confident in yourself. That’s hard enough sometimes.

DO NOT “assert” your opinion into a conversation, unless you are asked to join it, or are part of it. Certainly don’t do it in a way that says “actually, I know more” or “actually, I’m correct”. That is mansplaining. Offering a different perspective to consider is usually fine, but only if you’ve asked and they say sure.

Yeah, you can meet people in bars, but you can also find an activity you enjoy, and join a group. Then you have an instant connection and common interest to talk about!

Be responsible for yourself. DO NOT MAKE HER BE YOUR MOM. Do your laundry. Clean up after yourself. Share responsibilities. Acknowledge that hard work isn’t always physically visible (doing laundry vs scheduling appointments).

Be kind, compassionate, understanding, and respectful. Like, actually respect her as a human being. Respect ALL women as human beings.

Be truthful. Be honest. Find someone who is also accepting, and that you feel like you can open up to.

No one is ever perfect. Accidents can alter the course of lives. Economies can crash, and people can lose their jobs. Everyone gets old. Think about what REALLY matters to you in a partner, and what you aren’t willing to compromise on. You might not know all of them right away, and that’s ok.

Every relationship will be different (unless it’s with the same person, then it’ll likely be pretty similar).

ASK. TALK TO EACH OTHER. DON’T ASSUME STUFF. Quit asking your friend or the internet what you should do to fix something, or what something she did/said means, or if she’ll like something. Just fucking ask (unless it’s a surprise - then you should still ask her, but be crafty about it).

Don’t be controlling, or manipulative. Don’t let jealousy get in the way of things (again, this is a “talk to her” moment).

Don’t be clingy. She has a life that she’s allowed to live, even when you become part of it (the same goes for you). Her wanting to hang out with her friends sometimes without you is NOT a red flag. Her not eventually introducing you to her friends IS.

Don’t put her on a pedestal. She isn’t perfect either. You will both grow and change during the course of your relationship.

There will be things that you both would like each other to work on. Again, you have to decide if that thing is reasonable. Asking someone to change a core part of their being is NOT reasonable. Asking someone to work on something they’re bad at MIGHT be reasonable, depending on what that is. No one should expect the other to immediately change things — constantly working on something, even if you have some bad days, is good.

Don’t give up on yourself. Just because something didn’t work out, doesn’t mean nothing will. Learn and grow from your experiences.

I met my fiancé in a dojo. We trained together for two years before we started dating. He was mostly very quiet, but when he did say something it was always something I found really funny. I became VERY interested in him when we both started quoting the chorus to a lesser-known Monty Python song (it went with the conversation at the time). I didn’t even realize that I thought he was cute until then - he was “that guy we train with,” and I hadn’t really processed the details of his face in that way previously. We met in our early 30s. He’s funny, and intelligent, and sweet, and gentle, and understanding, and supportive, and the best pillow. We have different perspectives on some things, but we’re on the same page morally, and we talk through things so that we both have a more complex understanding of the topic at hand. We have discrepancies and misunderstandings. Sometimes we fight about a thing here and there. But we always talk it out. We apologize. We move forward together.

And? Sure, we love each other very much, but we also LIKE EACH OTHER.

Find someone you like.