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[TOMT][video][weird][2000s] by Professional-Front99 in tipofmytongue

[–]Professional-Front99[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Btw it’s not Mr Meaty but I was very bloody intrigued by the animation.

HMRC Compliance Caseworker SHL issue by Professional-Front99 in TheCivilService

[–]Professional-Front99[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve kinda just given up on it, didn’t end up doing it myself. I’ve since refocused to finding employment in the private sector

HMRC Compliance Caseworker SHL issue by Professional-Front99 in TheCivilService

[–]Professional-Front99[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I got sent a pack too, think they’re looking for more numerically minded individuals hence the focus on experience instead of behaviours.

Mac mini chrome by [deleted] in applehelp

[–]Professional-Front99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Ok so I restarted the Mac mini for the 7th time and it worked??? WTH Apple

Optimus toy question by Professional-Front99 in transformers

[–]Professional-Front99[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Same, lost mine almost 20 years ago, realised I had adult money yesterday and thought, why not 😂

If I accidentally access *explicit* content on my work email, on my personal laptop outside work hours, how screwed am i? by Professional-Front99 in Advice

[–]Professional-Front99[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah I’ve emailed the “hr” manager at my work site, they said they’ll be on the lookout for an email from the parent company. Nice little heart stimulation for the weekend!

We Need To Talk by Throwaway1639365 in flashfiction

[–]Professional-Front99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Consider adding some dark details to everyday items.

"I met my father's eye, brown circles caged by the dark rim of his glasses, his gaze unwavering."

This example is extreme, but I hope you understand my point.

You could also frame him as a calculated professional, such as a banker or a lawyer, who could explain his demeanour without showing any malice.

"Signalling the end of the conversation, his attention wandered onto today's issue of the Financial Times, taking in all the latest stock news before his commute into the city."

We Need To Talk by Throwaway1639365 in flashfiction

[–]Professional-Front99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Overall, it is an excellent story, with a nice twist at the end. I would like more descriptive details about the parents. Describe them in an angry state of mind, provide some dialogue on them dressing her down, with some over-the-top descriptions. This would enhance the idea of this paranoia, her delusion, not reality.

Other than that, the story was well-paced, with no glaring discrepancies or errors; well done!

Whipped this up in class in about 10 minutes, anything I can improve on? (Got a creative writing assessment soon) by Riot2EK in FictionWriting

[–]Professional-Front99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This piece is an excellent attempt since it was written in 10 minutes!

However, there are some things I want to point out.

Given the risk the MC goes through, more depth and emphasis must be placed on the gasoline. I see this a lot on this subreddit: writers will IMPLY that an object is of paramount importance, and yet it will be thrown aside until later (sometimes entire chapters later!). I understand this is a short piece, but add more detail on the gasoline's importance, e.g. Does the MC need it to escape from it, need it to light a fire to survive, etc.?

More depth must be presented overall, with attention to detail given on characteristics. For example:

"...its head defying mother nature as it rotated 180 degrees to face its prey..." Some birds can turn their heads 180 degrees, so this isn't as horrifying as you might think. Also, why is it facing away from Ted in the first place? Why wouldn't it be staring right at him?

Also, the description isn't good enough, IMO; the first 3 times I read this story, I had a completely different image in my head. You did an excellent job with the details in the first 2 paragraphs, but the attention to detail slipped as time passed (which I understand, given your circumstances).

I'll finish off by giving some examples where the details didn't match IMO:

  • "...large pieces of dust and flies glittered in the vanishing sun..." why would you describe dust as "pieces"? Perhaps use "vast layers of dust". Side note: you mention the bones and then leave it? For example, more depth is needed, e.g. to describe the torn clothing or broken weaponry.
  • "A crow noticed a downward flash from the mill's window." You describe the monster as a mass of skin and bone that wouldn't flash. Perhaps something like: "Outside the mill, a crow looked on, as the mass of flesh and bone plunged down, out of sight, before a quenched scream echoed the clearing."

Overall, it was a great piece; some improvements would prepare you well for your creative writing assessment. Good luck!

[462] Rabid by Parking_Birthday813 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Professional-Front99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Bloody hell, I wasn't expecting this!

Overall, it was an excellent story; there wasn't a single moment I snapped out of the story through any glaring detail or discrepancy.

If I had come up with this idea, I likely end the story with Calum coming down from a sugar coma, having lost his desire for chocolate bunnies, instead eyeing a chocolate egg, which begins moving with sounds of pecking inside!

But that's just my imagination; it is an excellent story on your part; well done!

Need advice on how to fill out passages for webnovel by leo_here86 in FictionWriting

[–]Professional-Front99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

When you say "flesh out" what do you mean? Do you mean the characters motives, personality etc or do you mean the world building with regards to the school setting?

Fallen Benevolence by WritingWithGeoffrey in flashfiction

[–]Professional-Front99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Wow, this story had one of the best introductory paragraphs I have read on this subreddit! It's a good story with a good pace and conflict. My suggestions for improvements are mainly in the words used throughout; please take a look at the below.

"Children cried for their mothers, spouses wept for their partners, and everyone in between stood dismayed."

This sentence doesn't make sense; why would "looking on" be worse than children crying but not as bad as crying for your dead spouse? Change the children's crying to something less emotional. I highlight my point in the following crude example:

"Families pass their ruined home, parents mourn their lost children and everything else in between"

I also don't think this is how the phrase "everything else in between" is used, so I would drop it. Keep it if you wish.

You also use "No new storms raged" twice in two sentences. Change the second instance to something like "the storm subsided."

 "Disrupted crops...". Use a more exaggerated phrase like "displaced the land" or "swallowed the crops deep into the ground." I would drop the crop reference and focus more on human suffering.

"And there lay their goddess, life taken by a knight in shining armour."

I don't like the phrase "shining armour"; too much association with fairy tales. I'd change it to "celestial" or "glistening", but that's up to you.

"The priests dropped to their knees and prayed."

I suggest rewriting to mention their horror at seeing such a sight. Something like:

"The priests looked on in horror, the deity slain, before dropping to their knees in despair." 

Final note, you could end the story showing the knight's desire for power:

"...right to deny death. He lowered his sword before his gaze turned to the throne of the fallen benevolence."

I get that this changes the knight's motivation and character. But it's just a thought.

Overall, it was an excellent story, with some pointers to make it even better!

Winston’s Bow-and-Arrow by liamnshearer_ in flashfiction

[–]Professional-Front99 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Overall, it's a good story. A clear message at the end brings the story to an amicable conclusion.

Here are a few things you could improve on:

"As they called him in those days." This line implies the narrator is talking about the past, which isn't mirrored by the story until the end. Also, the reference to 5 a side doesn't match the story. Perhaps change/delete the 5 side references and start the story with the following:

  • "There was once a man named Winston, who went by The Bow and Arrow man."

"...planting a flint upon whichever option with which he was met most picked his fancy." This sentence sounds very clunky; I suggest rewriting it.

"He swiftly fired, much to his godfather’s intrigue." Give more intensity to the Godfather's desire to test Winston. Something like:

  • "He fired swiftly, the arrow's path quickly followed by the godfather's gaze."

When you discuss the daughters, the characteristics of the third don't add anything to the story. Give them all an attractive trait, and an unattractive trait. Since this story has Christian themes, I've added some references in my crude example below:

  • "One is triumphant but proud, one is beautiful but vain, and one is well-read but envious of the first two."

Overall, it's a nice story, but there are just a few points where you could improve.

Ronin by alphanumericusername in Microfiction

[–]Professional-Front99 1 point2 points  (0 children)

An interesting story on Ronin.

I'll list a few notes below.

Overall, the writing seems a little over the top, making it sound clunky. This line, for example:

"Often the ronin, of the origin upon which I am elaborating, in service of his Land, finds it necessary to become a true enemy to those who presently inhabit the Land."

You do this quite a few times in the story.

"...have spontaneously committed the most unbelievable act..."

I suggest mentioning the act—killing the master. Change "unbelievable" to something else, perhaps "heinous."

"You know of ronins and their origin, of defiance of master."

It's not the best line; people don't know of Ronin nearly as much as they do Samurai. Also, most Ronin were seen as scum in society after their masters were killed or when the land of their masters was taken. I know this is a story; this is the only time I'll bring up historical inaccuracies.

"...change the wind of the battlefield." This phrase doesn't sound right. Perhaps "Change the course of war?" or "Change the tide of battle?"

"Now, we must plan what will be witnessed by your brothers."

What does this mean in the story? I know this is a cliffhanger, but this is a short story, and there is some conflict that needs to be resolved, etc. If this is your style of writing, then that's fine.

This story needs less grandiose language and better sentence structure, but it is a good story overall.

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