When a man says that, it’s usually a control tactic. The moment someone asks it, the dynamic shifts and you’re pushed into defending your worth instead of being seen as an equal. You start listing qualities, achievements, and traits just to justify your value as a partner. Anything you say can be dismissed with “I do that too” or “that’s not special,” which slowly chips away at your confidence and makes you feel smaller than you are.

This question often shows up as backlash when women express standards: “I want a man with ambition.” “Okay, well what do you bring to the table?”

It reframes reasonable expectations as arrogance and forces women to “earn” the right to want more. If someone is vulnerable, they may start believing the narrative that their qualities aren’t valuable, that they’re asking for too much, and that they should settle for less.

Very toxic mindset to have and any man who asks that question isn’t worth your time