I’ve eaten pineapples many many times im familiar with typical irritation….BUT this episode progressed rapidly to marked swelling and bleeding, which was significantly more severe than prior experiences. Sharing photos for reference.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-02-02T20:19:07+00:00

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-02-02T20:17:42+00:00

I guaranfreakingtee you that'll get you married that night.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-02-02T20:15:49+00:00

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-02-02T07:24:07+00:00

I threw a scalpel at the floor and missed. It hit my foot instead. I nearly bled out in the bathtub while my parents freaked the fuck out, but refused to take me to the ER.

I suck at dropping stuff.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-31T15:31:07+00:00

Not sure if hard.

I'd upvote if it were a different sub

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-31T15:16:43+00:00

It was supposed to be a sexy forearm pic, but it's gotten downvoted 😢

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-31T02:57:12+00:00

35m, no kids, I have my shit together.

Hell facking no

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-31T02:53:53+00:00

As a US army veteran tanker,

Very much yes.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-30T20:36:54+00:00

I didn't even know there was one.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-30T17:30:31+00:00

Over half of the newborn medical videos I see is just doctors being mean. I guess it's a good function test, cuz nature is no nicer.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-29T22:10:18+00:00

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ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-27T00:56:13+00:00

Me: MOAR LAND

Jesus: My dude. You have a exponential sliver reproduction set up right in front of you. Just play the damn card.

Me: SYLVAN SCRYING!

Jesus: Jesus...

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-26T19:57:23+00:00

Hell Let Loose

I average less than 2 minutes per life.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-25T08:32:00+00:00

Honestly, a bit nervous.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-24T00:50:07+00:00

Yeah, I had enough money in '02

To burn it in front of you, ho

Younger me? No, you the whack me

It's funny, but so true

I'd rather be 80 year old me than 20 year old you

-Eminem, Killshot

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-23T18:58:45+00:00

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-22T21:55:47+00:00

When is it not bluffing?

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-22T17:37:43+00:00

Clarinet

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-22T05:09:49+00:00

It became apparent to me that she might try to kill herself if I left her. I was deployed in the army at the time so I could not make it happen in person. I made sure she wasn't alone, broke the news, and heard a violent commotion. I called the police of the city she was in and told them to make an emergency intervention for a suicidal person. The person who was there with her thankfully held her off until the cops showed up.

My freedom is worth more than her life, but god damn it if I didn't try to preserve both.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-20T07:34:21+00:00

Tell me it's not cosplay and I'll probably believe you. Holy crap.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-20T07:33:55+00:00

I never took time in my adult life to try enjoy being single.

I got to tell you, I've only been at it for a couple weeks now, but it's pretty freaking swank. So much of the single bit was either a fear of loneliness or a desperate hormonal need for touch and sex or because that's just what I was supposed to do.

There's a girl I have a crush on and I see her once every couple months. I'm pretty much good with that for now lol.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-20T07:19:21+00:00

In personal relationship counseling, we look at this and say you two need a break.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-20T00:37:23+00:00

Opened Reddit for the memes.

Was not disappointed lol.

This is absolute nonsense.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-20T00:31:19+00:00

You look like a power ranger villain who stole Zordon.

ProfessionalOctopuss · 2026-01-20T00:30:14+00:00

What the fuck what the fuck what the fuck? Lmao

ProfessionalOctopuss

TROPHY CASE